A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I am 30 years of age and I've feel like I've had so much going on in my life for ages, I've not been able to have a clear head about what i want romantically.I've had a partner for 10 years, but it's just sort of been this 'existing'. We've had issues and it's just sort of been no passion for a years, but since I've had so much else on in other areas, i somewhat overlooked it. We have constantly had discussions about how I've felt unfulfilled and I've really tried to do something about it, but not much has changed. I've not wanted to leave because everything can be just 'fine'. He is happy enough and i can't bare to break his heart.I've hit 30 and thinking i actually want to have kids and although i know i still love the man i'm with, there is just a sort of gut feeling that feels like i don't want to marry him and have kids with him. I wish i felt that certainty. On the other hand, i just can't 'see' myself leaving him. I am at this point now where i am also worrying about my age as i want to settle down and have children. What if i did leave and i can't find anyone at all i can slightly get on with. What if i spend the last remaining years of my fertility trying to find someone to connect with and loose out on having children altogether.I am really confused about what to do. Part of me thinks maybe it's just something everyone goes through when they have this long term relationship that has fizzled out a bit and hitting the 30 milestone. Maybe my feelings will calm down and i'll realise he's the right man for me. Or is the fact that i feel this way enough to say that i should end it. I've not felt 'sure' or content in a long time, so maybe i should be listening to my gut.Or I am just being totally stupid with an idiotic vision of what it should feel like to be with 'the one' after so many years. Everyone seems to say 'you just know' when someone is 'the one'. They can say they are their best friend or the other part of them that completes them. I feel like my partner is more like my friend / roommate. I am so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): Typo correction:
"I can't be hindered by what-ifs or should-ah, could-ah, would-ahs!"
"You can't bear to hurt his feelings?"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): There are no guarantees in life, and sometimes we have to take a risk. You are unfulfilled; just existing with a man you don't love romantically, and just there because you are scared to take a chance at life.
You want children, you want a man you love as more than a friend...you want a husband! You deserve it all! It's not going to fall in your lap! He isn't even considering a marriage-proposal after 10 years! If the guy is still under 40, why is there no passion between you???
I wish I could promise that leaving would offer you everything you want. Life comes with no guarantees; and those of us who appreciate it most pursued what we want from it, and aren't afraid to fail.
What if I gave-up looking for love when my partner of 28 years died? What if I decided love would never happen again after I did pursue it but I got dumped?
I can't be hindered by what-ifs or should-ah, could-ah, would-has. I had to go out there and seek what I wanted and I got it! Even the good Lord challenges us to "seek, and ye shall find..." and we will receive all His promises. Ever got on your knees and asked Him for babies and a good husband? You have to be out there searching and visible to be found!
You can't bare to hurt his feelings? What the hell are you talking about???
You weren't placed on this earth to be some "platonic-boyfriend's" life-long freaking girlfriend!!!
You are missing-out on life and fulfillment for all the wrong reasons. Not a single one of the reasons and excuses you give make a damned bit of sense!
Go find yourself a husband, and have a family! You can still remain friends with your "platonic-boyfriend." You're a live-in housekeeper, laundress, and cook! Surely he'd keep you as long as you're foolish enough to stay. People get paid to do those things!
Don't even consider using him for a sperm-donor!!! For God's sake, do things according good old-fashioned tradition. With a husband you love, who wants to be a father, and your husband. Not just hold onto you like a life-long friend with benefits! Benefits minus romance and passion...and cute chubby little babies with his nose and your eyes!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): Your post really hit me close to home as I'm in a very similar position myself. I'm a similar age and have been with my partner for 10 years also. It's really hard because, for me at least, I feel safe and the thought of leaving brings so much uncertainty... but then, without suffering, how will I ever find out the possibilities? I sometimes wish I had left earlier, yet here i am, still here. In my experience, I've felt this way a few years and it hasn't gotten easier. I love him, but as a best friend. I love to be around him for comfort, but dont fancy him. I feel bad about it and there was once a time when i was crazy about him... but those feelings, i can't get back. I don't think anyone can really tell you the 'right' decision. However, I do believe that whichever decision you make will be the right one. You are in control of your own destiny. If you want to meet 'the one' then I believe you are capable of making that happen. However I do think you need to talk to your partner first.. maybe even do a trial separation. There is a lot of pressure on women but remember that you still have time, I've met plenty of women who have had a child slightly older, some have been remarried. Try to put less pressure on yourself, talk to your partner, or try moving out to test the waters and see hoe it makes you feel. Hope it works out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): 10 yrs together and still not married. Dont you think that tells something? Let me tell you something from experience. You are at the stage where many married couples become bored of the monotony and predictability of the married life but usually the vows,the social demands and taboos, and presence of children keep the marriage going. Since you are free of any of these ties I advise you to go on a trial separation to be able to assess your relationship with a clear mind. I am sure you will come out at the end with a clear decision either to continue or call it a day.
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