A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy at work and immediatly liked him...a friend said he was divorced but turned out that he was just leaving a 6 years marriage (total of 10 years together). We went in a date less than a week after he "officially" left his house. I never thought I would even date a divorcee but my feelings were really strong. A week exactly after he left we were dating and very close. He was officially divorced 2 months later. He was a dream for a whole month, after that little by little he started to spend a lot of time partying / traveling with friends (I am not a partier) without never invite me and I just got to know a few of his buddies (all in the first month) what made me feel very insecure and we started having a very bumpy relationship that lasted a total of 7 months. During this period I broke up with him several times, but WE loved each other so much that we could not let each other go and we would always end up together after a couple of days. The up and downs were killing me inside though...during this time he also started drinking heavily on weekends (which his mom said was a problem in his marriage) and having a lot of emotional up and downs about what he wants for life. He talked about move together several times, but never actually did. I am a foreigner and on June I had problems trying to extend my stay...he told me he could not see me leaving because he could not imagine his life without me and married me immediatly (I always been really in love with him). That was at the end of June and we were supposed to move in together on out own place(I live next door with a roommate - he also has roommates), but he started having so much up and downs that it did not happen. He started drinking heavier, going out with girlfriends and doing everything possible to in my eyes destroy our relationship but when I attempted to end he would say again that he loves me more than anything. Things started to get worse, arguments, stresses, etc. He was having a bad few weeks on his business and during one of arguments he started crying, said that I was causing him a lot of stress on the top of what he had and he could not take anymore - he broke up. For the following week he would call me everyday, says he loved me, etc...the following week he started going back and forth of the way he felt about me...he started to spend nights out and 1 week and a half later, admit he was dating a 39 yo woman that just had gotten divorced too. I was broken heart - I could not believe I would be divorced without never had experienced what is a married life. Can't understand where all the love went...in the first month he moved with her, introduced him to his parents (we keep friends - I love them and they love me) and went to meet her parents. They travelled together and he is giving her all that I wanted but he never gave to me. His mom says that he says the same things about her he used to say about me and she is puzzled. I got almost sick over this and lost 20 pounds in 1 month through the pain I went...I finally decided after hear from him our relationship was a complete mistake that I wanted the marriage anulled or to divorce. He calls me since we broke up at least 2x a week...always says he can't make to sign the papers with me and now he is saying he can't sign those papers knowing it would send me back to my country. He speaks high about his new love and says that she is great for him and that they get along really well...but during the calls he also said several times he wish we had work but he knows it's screwed, that he cares for me more than anything, that he always thinks of me and misses me and my voice. Followed by saying those, I guess he feels guilty and then starts saying how great she is and how great he feels with her because she is always happy with him (as far as I know, she did not go through of any I did...he is giving her everything I always wanted emotionally). It just drives me crazy. Any idea of what is up with him ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I have to agree with rcn, it does sound like wrong place, wrong time. Also though, it doesn't sound like you two are really very good for each other, he isn't able to provide you with the security that you need and it doesn't sound like you are able to give him what he wants - I don't think any women is really able to give him what he wants, his drinking and already failed marriage is very indicative of that.A lot of people seem to have this idea that all you need is love in a relationship, but people bring out different sides of a persons character and in a relationship, the other half can just as easily bring out the bad sides of someones character, stress, anger, insecurity, jealously. Being in love with one another is a powerful force that keeps people trying at relationships again, and again, and this can be worthwhile but personally, I believe that as soon as one or both of those people become involved with someone else outside the relationship, especially to the level that your ex has, it really does show that loving that person is no longer enough to keep working at the relationship. Those negative feelings of insecurity that you feel will only ever get worse now that he has found an interest in someone else and without his commmitment to you, you will not be able to overcome them.I suspect this guy has a lot of emotions he can't handle or express, even to himself. Hs drinking is used to self-medicate and block out what he can't deal with. In those feelings he probably feels guilty for the way he has treated you. I think it would be far better for you, in the long-term, if he can distance himself from you, but instead it sounds like he is overcome with guilt, doesn't want to let you go, and thus repeats this cycle that you guys have both been going through seemingly since your very first argument. Your relationship has become co-dependant and you are both at the stage where you want to stay in each others lives but at the same time it is causing you more heartache and stress because you are bringing out those undesirable sides of your characters. One of you is going to have to be the stronger one in this relationship and put space between you and effectively end things. This guy is not going to give you what you want and deserve in a man, and I don't think you will ever be able to give him what he needs either. It is so sad that this has resulted in a failed marriage but for your own good, you should consider breaking contact from this man, and if that means you loose your visa status and have to move then that is what it will take. Whatever happens though, do not delay your divorce just because he feels too guilty. You can not keep a marriage based on guilt and him not wanting to upset you. He needs to realise that by he is actually making things worse.Who knows what your future holds, but having to divorce and even leave the country is not the end of your life, but rather the beginning to a new chapter, one that can offer so much more lasting happening than you have had so far. This man couldn't appreciate what you can give to him, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. There is a man right for you out there, it is just that he is not that man.All the best and good luck with whatever you decide to do OK?
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 September 2007):
 Sure, you sound like a beautiful caring woman that was at the wrong place at the wrong time. You got involved with someone in the middle of a divorce. Some divorces are a very trying experience on the parties going through it. Their hard, financially and emotionally.
His drinking, if it was a problem in both relationships, says he has a problem. His drinking heavier and more is trying to hide pain. He went from 10 years with someone to having life as he knew it tossed around and completely changed. You can see from that how he maybe doesn't really know what he wants or what he is looking for in a partner.
Now let's look at you part in this. When someone has poor behavior and they keep saying love you and I need you, by taking them back without them working towards changing before you take them back is the same as telling them "I am able to accept this poor behavior" You're better than that, don't let anyone treat you less than the best. If they do, set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept, stick to them and if need be tell them to take a hike.
Being in love is not suppose to hurt. We don't choose people saying "hurt me please" I chose to live my life single. I have wonderful children I am a parent of. If I got together with someone I'd look at (1) What can I bring to the relationship (2) What do they bring to the relationship (3) What qualities am I looking for in a partner (4) How do I expect to be treated. Expecting how to be treated has nothing to do with how many kisses or how many times you get them in the sack, it has to do with respect. Is this someone when having problems I can sit down, discuss our issues rationally and develop a solution that works for both of us, and as partners we can put into action.
Too often we jump from person to person because of the initial attraction. That attraction has nothing to do with their behaviors we can live with long term.
I am sorry this happened to you. It's hard, trying to figure out why someone would be this disrespectful is hard to comprehend. Take care and I wish you the best.
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