A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I need to know wether I am being a idiot or if its normal to feel how I do. My boyfriend has a son from a previous relationship and this situation is hard but we have a agreement regarding the visits. But my boyfriend has told me about the relationship with the mother. He has basically said she was unbearable, he had no feeling for her at all. The only reason he hooked up with her was cause she was easy to talk to. But he stayed with her for like two and a half years and they got engaged. He says it was all for his sons sake. I feel like he isn't being honest with me. Maybe I dont understand how a situation like this would work? Am I being stupid? Or is he telling me shit?
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (6 February 2010):
Good for you, that's a really good plan I'm quite proud of you dear! An abortion can be really hard on a woman emotionally. I definitely think it's good for you to get some counseling around that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for your help especially tigerlily. i have bben to see a doctor who has reccommended Anti-depresssants and counselling which I am giving a go of.I'll see what happens. I have beens through two abortions with this guy which he made clear he didin't want either and may be that the cause of the issues. I'll see how the meds and the counselling end up. thanx again guys xoxo
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (29 January 2010):
Look at this from another way. Logic tells you that if he was engaged to her, he must have had feelings for her. So if he says he didn't either he's lying - which makes you distrust him, or if he's telling the truth, that's scary because maybe if he stayed with her and didn't have feelings for her, he could stay with you and not have feelings for you.
But from his side, I see two possibilities. Either he has so many bad memories/feelings about her, he doesn't even want to admit to himself he was dumb enough to ever care about her... or he is filtering his emotions though his man perspective and men are very territorial. He loves you and would never want to hear that you had feelings for someone else, so he is trying to give you that same "gift" and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you he ever had feelings for someone else.
What you really want is just to know that your BF cares about you. Look for that in his day to day actions, not what he says about the past. Bottom line is I think you need to let this go as she is in his past and you are with him now. As you said it's just creating issues that don't need to be there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): If his relationship was so unbearable wit the mother of his child, he wouldnt of gotten engaged to her. Period. It sounds to me, he still has feelings for her. In a situation like this, there's not much u can do. He can visit his kid however long he wants to n u shouldnt dictate it. Sorry but the child comes first, thats the way the world works. N please dont get jealous when she calls n stuff like that. She's the mother of his child, which gives her free range to call until the child is an adult. If u dont like the situation, get out of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says he didnt want the child but she was was going to have it any way. She had told him she was on the pill and wasn't. I dont understand how if he had no feelings for her from the start but then can end up engaged. Is he lying to me and did have feeling for her? I need honesty. And I feel like he isn't being honest.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (23 January 2010):
 I think its not out of the question to believe that he tried to stay with her because of his son. Are you a mother yet? I think when you have a child, the love you have for them can spill onto other people as well, including the person who gave birth to that child. But maybe as his son grew, he was able to separate more easily the love he felt for his son and his feelings (or lack of feelings) for the boy's mother. His explanation is believable, in my opinion.
On the other hand, if you feel like he isn't being honest with you, that could mean something. I think the real question isn't if he is lying about feelings he used to have for her, but rather if he is lying about how he feels toward this woman now. Him downplaying past feelings isn't the worst thing he could do, but if he is lying about how he feels towards her now, that is a problem. Do you think that is what is actually bothering you? His relationship with her now? Because that could be a real issue.
I understand the urge to get absolute truth about your partner's past, but history is always sketchy. Especially personal history. As long as it remains in the past, you shouldn't worry too much about it, and try to accept his version of things. After all, you weren't there, so you can't know for sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx tiger lily, he denies having feeling for at all at the time! He reckons he had to close his eyes to sleep with her! Oh well may be i am being irrational. me feeling like he is not being honest is causing a lot of issues between us maybe I am better just trying to let it go. thanx
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A
male
reader, Sal84  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Your Boyfriend seems tired of his ex gf and seems to be looking for some new action which seems to be you. He is trying to justify his actions by speaking about his son. He may have become tired of her for many reasons mainly she may have gained weight after pregnancy and he no longer enjoys physical intimacy with her or she nags him all the time.But thats just a guess and thats not what is important. Whats important is that he already has a son and a woman in his life. If he wants you and them too, then thats not working. Give him a choice either its you or them.Tell him to take it or leave it. Don't budge from your stand as he probably seems to just be playing around with you.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (23 January 2010):
Hmmm. Well to give him the benefit of the doubt, it might be somewhere in the middle. Guys tend to live in the moment. So at the time he was with her he could have felt much more, but after they broke up this is now how he looks back on it and feels about it. It's almost like once the feelings went away he forgot all about them. Now all he can remember about why he hooked up with her was she was easy to talk to. So even though that is nowhere near the whole story it might be the truth as he sees it now.
Also he might not want to get into the nitty gritty details with you. Women can be notoriously irrational, jealous, etc. so some woman in his past may have been that way and tough him that it's a huge mistake to tell the woman you are with too much detail about an ex. This is dangerous ground. We all want our men to be honest with us, but the more drama we bring about it the less comfortable they feel to be able to be honest.
If I were you, I would just back off and take what your man says at face value. It's in the past, he's with you now. You wouldn't like it very much if he tried to force you to talk about something you weren't comfortable talking about. If and when he's ready to open up more about his ex, he will. Don't pressure him.
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