A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys I need advice so desperately!I met this guy in may!he is from germany I am from uk.he had lived in america for 5 years...we started off really casual,but then things got more serious!I found out he had a girlfriend because I read his phone,then I found out he was engaged to her!!!!he tells me that he only got engaged to her because he had to leave america because of his visa-they were together for 4 years!!!I know I should have finished it when I found out he had a fiance,but I have never met anyone like him!I feel like he is my soulmate!in june,we decided to give us a go,he called her and told her about me,she sent me a really nasty message on facebook,and was crying and begging on the phone to him!her mum sent him a message saying he was evil.he told me he couldn't do it at that time because he had to finish his dissatation and finish his work before he could deal with all of this!I have seen him nearly every day since I met him,and he hasn't seen her since april!I know she is crazy about him,and I feel bad,but we are so in love-he tells me that he has never felt this way before and I feel the same!I know it sounds ridiculous but he is still engaged to her on facebook!I sent her a message telling her everything about us:about him telling me how much he loved me,that we have spent every day together for 8 months,she didn't message me back,but called him and moaned at him,but they are still engaged on facebook!he says they don't talk and he is going to finish it on facebook this friday when his dissatation is in,but I just don't understand why she wouldn't have finished with him when she knows everything and they never see eachother and live thousands of miles away!I get so jealous of her,but he always tells me he loves me more than anything ans there is no point staying with her!I am going to meet his family in germany this christmas-he says that proved he is serious about me!do you think I am a mug?I love him so so so so much ans just want to trust him!I really feel like he is my soulmate but I also feel bad on her!but I have been so honest with her!and she definitely knows about me because she was so mean to me!he sent her a message too in front of me saying that I didn't like them being engaged on facebook! :( shoulf I just trust him and see how it goes?I know he is not the kind to cheat,if he wasn't on the other side of the world!xxx
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female
reader, MaryB  +, writes (21 November 2010):
What concerns me the most is the statement you made about his character- He is not the kind to cheat! Be honest with yourself- do you really believe that nonscense? He is not only a cheater but, so much more. First of all, he is cheating with you, he is a user- becoming engaged for the sole purpose of a visa & a liar- making empty promises to you that have yet to materialize & lieing about his horrible actions to his fiance . Is this seriously the kind of guy you want to have a future with? What he is doing to her he will eventually DO to you in one form or another. Aside from all that you should of ended it once you knew he had a fiance- have some dignity & self-respect for yourself- continuing in this farse with him puts you on the same level as him!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 So let me guess his fiance is American and he's in the Uk now? Well he has to get married to her in order to live in America.
Red flags as follows:
- The only way you found he had a fiance is because you read his phone..why were you reading his phone in the first place? Something cause you to question him otherwise?
-He wasn't going to tell you he had a fiance.
-He has to finish his work before breaking off his engagement? Why wait in any longer if he's so in love with you?
-He cheated on his fiance with you.
What did you think his fiance was going to be all friendly when you messaged her? Now, if you really felt bad for her, then you wouldn't be zoning in on another woman's property now would you? Bottom line, you're the one I feel bad for..if he was going to leave his fiance then he should have done it when he met you. She's not going to give up without a fight and he's ok with having the both of you. IF he does leave her then welcome to a relationship full of trust issues..you'll constantly be checking his phone, Facebook and questioning his every move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Sometimes our egos get in the way and blind us to the truth about someone. In this case you know he is engaged but feel entitled to him (your meddling in his relationship with his fiance). These triangles can look like competition between women for the love of a man. Will he pick me? When he says he picks you, do you feel excited and validated? He is a liar and a cheat. Don't romanticize this cad. You are making him out to be a wonderful man who is willing to throw it all away just for you.But has he? And, if he does blow it with his fiance, do you see this as a sign of his devotion to you? As if he is a wonderful man who fell in love with you... and he will walk away from everything just out of his love for you.... That he doesn't 'normally' do things like this... he just can't help himself because he's so head over heels in love with you. Is this how you are seeing all of this?The truth is that if he were worth anything as a human being ... he would have ended things with his fiance before taking you down this path. And... if he wasn't decent enough to do that... he would have ended it after she found out. However, there has not been a discernible end to his engagement... has there?So there you are. You are in love with someone who you do not know anything about. You don't even know if he ended his engagement or not. The mere idea that you would want a man who was going to marry someone for citizenship... is in and of itself a huge red flag. Your head is up your butt when it concerns this guy. He has you coming and going and frankly... I doubt you know whether to wind your ass or scratch your watch.But your prize at the end of this horrible nightmare of a rainbow is.... him. A prover liar and cheater who was stringing a woman along. I've got to hand it to him... he sounds like a world class liar. At least he is good at something.Why don't you spare yourself the misery in this dynamic and walk away. Another thing... how do you know with absolute certainty... that he isn't painting you as a crazy stalker? Think about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): He's not the kind to cheat? Erm, he is cheating WITH YOU! Yet again another post by somebody who can't see what's glaringly obvious. He's a cheat, he's not going to break up with his fiancee, end it. He's stringing you along, telling you what you want to hear. His fiancee sent you a nasty message? What do you expect? He's cheating on her with you. Ditch this loser and get a concience.
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A
female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (8 November 2010):
I don't think I'd trust him. What he's done to her, he'll do to you. I've seen this one way too many times.
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