A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i met my boyfriend two years ago, i met him on a dating website and we lived two hours drive from each other. we met up and decided to give the long distance thing ago as we liked each other.as i dont drive he did all the traveling, usually seeing each other at weekends and maybe two or three nights during the week, he text often and you know how it is when you first meet someone.he told me he loved me after two weeks! it was good seeing him then, we would go out places and generally just enjoy being together. he always was a bit distant but after nine months, he started to act more distant, i got upset and he told me i was imagining it, me being me i wondered if he was right and let it go.my birthday came, he never came to see me just sent a card through the post, it hurt that we werent together but he told me he was working so i said nothing. we went to poland a week later and he was still utra distant.when we got back i found out that he was infact seeing a married woman, and had been for 5 weeks. i spoke to her and she told me that he had done all the running, i found out that on my birthday he was in his flat with her, they had seen each other 5 times in all, always at his place. and they slept together. he told her that he was away on business when we had gone to poland, when i told him i had spoke to her his face dropped and he said "but i liked her". he later added i just like her but i love you. i felt ugly used, hurt you name it.scared to lose him i tried to put it behind me and put on a brave face.two months later was xmas and he came to mine boxing day and new years eve, we went out had a good night and the next day he went home, then rang me to say that we were finished. i was gutted i felt like a complete idiot, i made a fool of myself sending emails some asking why, some asking if we could try again, and others wishing him well. all the answers were the same, that he needed to be alone and sort his head out.i let it go and tried to move on, i took my son for a short break to get away from it all, and i did start to feel better as time past.6 weeks later he got back in contact and asked if he could come and see me, i said yes, thinking he had realised that he did want to be with me after all, he came to mine two nights in a row we had a good laugh and it felt great, then i got a text saying that he had to end it as he couldnt keep travelling to mine, and that he once again needed to sort his head out. he said he felt depressed and didnt know what he wanted.i was hurt again and went through all the crying and waiting and wishing, and even got bad tempered with my kids (which i regret to this day). again he got back in contact after two months. i went running as usual, kidding myself that he had eventually realised that i loved him and he me. we were ok not great as i had lost my trust in him, i didnt bring what had happened in the past up, i kept it too myself as i did not want to risk an argument and him leaving. so i acted like i was happy, and was at his beck and call, hoping he would give me some sort of commitment really.he would once again come to mine, only this time we saw each other for two nights each week, but we hardly ever went out, he either did work or watched tv. he sent emails from mine, and deletes them not realising they go into a recently deleted folder. as i do not trust him i read them and just before xmas he sent indecent pictures to a woman, i confronted him and he told me that he had been stupid and does not know why he sent them, he swears that he has not met her or has any intention too. once again i convince myself that he means it and pretend that i have put it behind me, all the while i feel like shit, i feel ugly, and worthless, but aslong as i pretend all is well i know he wont go.so we went to czech rep., for a break over the xmas, and had a fantastic time, it was the first time i had ever seen him genuinly happy and i loved seeing him that way, we came back i had these ideas of us putting the past behind us and starting new, and thinking we had finally connected.xmas eve he went to deliver pressies to family and co workers etc... and xmas day i did not see him as he went mountian climbing he came up after boxing day and we were ok.new years eve we were in mine i remember going for a bath and then we had drinks n that.he went home new years day, i being me i looked at emails (when they are there and you dont trust him it too easy). i read an email he had sent to a woman he works with occasionally, but they know each other well, in it he said that he wishes she felt differently about him, and that he gets along with her son, that they could work etc.... it was well thought out.(she has since knocked him back saying she does not feel different about him and that she will never think of him in a different way)i told him about this and he said that he does not know why he sent it, and that she is way out of his league (which hurt) and he never expected her to even consider it. once again mug here is willing to over look it as i am too attached.he is telling me he loves me, and that he wants us to stay together and try, but i have lost all faith in him. i agreed to carry on because i am still hurt and have not found the strength yet to actually go and mean it. i do love him in sad sorry way and i just wish he felt the same way too.at times he has said these things to me,that i am not the usual kind he goes for, he told me he goes for skinny people with dark hair, i am a size 12 , but my hair is fair.he cannot introduce me too his family because, they will go off first impressions, and me having three boys will not look good.i have not met his friends, he said its because he likes to keep his private life seperate from work, but i know its only female colleagues who do not know about me.i split with him a few days ago, he told me that he wanted to carry on as who knows what the future will hold, and that even friends would be a light to hang onto, have i made the right choice? i have posted here before but it was more brief, so i am posting again with all the details. im am finding everything so hard to deal with right now, i need to know other opinions, i feel hurt and i dont know how to stop it.
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a break, co-worker, depressed, I love you, long distance, married woman, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (11 January 2009):
 Oh sweetheart, you have been clinging to a man who is NO GOOD.
Once a liar, always a liar I am afraid, a leopard never changes it's spots.
So he has done the travelling and unfortunately a long distance relationship always has lots more hurdles to overcome than someone who lives near you.
He met you on a dating site and whilst that does work for some people, two people I know met there now partners/husband's online so it can work, one of them is my sister.
However, your guy is a player and whilst he is not being seen by you when he lives at his place he can do what he likes.
He is obviously not very good at it though if he has the nerve to use YOUR computer to communicate with other women whilst he is supposed to be spending time with you, that is outrageous and I would have kicked him to the kerb the first time it happened.
You are a WONDERFUL, attractive woman who is not huge, your a size 12 for god's sake and OK so you have a past and you have (what some people say is baggage), I other the other hand never refer to children as baggage, but sheer joy that brings so much into your life.
This man was lucky you even gave him the time of day but now sweetheart is the time you start to realise you have done the best thing yet in getting him out of your life, and don't believe all the crap he keeps on coming out and saying to you.
He uses you then goes off to someone else and then thinks oh she will have be back if I just click my fingers, don't keep on repeating the same behaviour over and over again, you are worth so much more than what he has to offer.
You and your children are the important ones here, of course your hurt and upset, so would anyone in your position, the one thing is though is that you have dumped him this time and he probably won't like that. Don't whatever you do, back down this time. There are decent guys out there and YES online to but just give yourself some time for YOU right now and enjoy the time you have with yours sons, let yourself heal from the hurt that this man has inflicted on to you.
Take each day as it comes and start to get active doing things that you enjoy. If you can afford it, join a gym or give yourself a treat of some sort whether that is a pamper hour - massage at the local gym etc or getting your hair or nails done, just something for you for a change. Maybe start to think about seeing if you and your boys could plan a cheap holiday this year, whether it is in a caravan or something or a more extravagant break just put your priorities in order. YOU and your boys, not this waste of space that used to be your guy.
Stay strong and don't compromise what you want in life, you want a loving man who does not take the preverbial pee out of you. Someone who is loving, caring and above all honest and trustworthy.
He doesn't deserve your friendship and whilst he tries to sugar coat it I believe in friends who are there for you and not someone who is a user, he doesn't fall into that category at all.
Surround yourself with people you can trust, i.e. good friends who have always been there for you and family as they normally understand us better than anyone.
Here any time to listen OK, I am sure there will plenty of other aunts and uncles who agree with me that you are worth so much more that what this loser has to offer which is a big fat zero.
Believe in yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself that he missed his chance with you and that there is another man out there who is the right guy but only when you have shed all the anger and hurt this man has inflicted on to you. Then watch out world, here you come.
Smile and think that what he has put you through has only made you see sense and kicking him out of your life is the best thing you ever did, so in the long run he did you a favour by being a prize size prat.
Sorry but I know you can go much further without someone like him.
Keep smiling and stay strong no matter what OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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