A
female
age
36-40,
*ally20
writes:I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 21. 2 days ago we went to a christmas party. i got very very drunk and apparantly made a fool out of him by the way i was dancing ect..we stayed at my parents and when we got in we were arguing. I went into my room and went to bed. An hour later he came up and got into bed with me. he started kicking at my legs (quite hard) for me to move over, i retaliated and slapped his back and pushed him out of the bed. He got straight back up and punched me twice in the face and now i have a very bad black eye. I don't know what to do. we woke up in the morning and he looked at me and said it was my fault and i was a twat, i made up some excuse to my parents about him accidently elbowing me in the face and we drove back to our flat. I haven't shouted at him or even brought it up, but i can't even speak to him. He tried to talk about it last night and he said that i was in the wrong first and he punched me out of self defence but he knows what he did was out of order. I couldn't even speak about it and i just asked him to leave the room so i could sleep and he did. we haven't spoke.i don't know what to do,i don't know what to expect. i know that most people will call this domestic abuse, but i was very very drunk and i know i pushed him very hard out of my bed. he's not a violent person and has never hit me before although he does get very passionate about his arguements.we both live together away at uni and i'm held into a contract until june for this flat with him. he studies medicine and i study geography. we've been together for a year and a half and met through uni so share alot of the same friends/social groups. i don't know what to do, i'm just confused..some advice please.
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christmas, drunk, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 April 2012):
 So sorry that things ended badly for you. But I am glad you are safe now. Thank you very much for taking the time to come back and update us all. There are many women who are reading your post who are in a similar situation. Hopefully your story will give them the strength to run away.
Take care of you babes always... Blessings.
A
female
reader, sally20 +, writes (31 March 2012):
sally20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say Thankyou to everyone who told me to leave him. I stayed with him until a year ago. He had not laid a finger on me the whole time but at the end he beat me, strangled me and raped me. I re-read your comments and left in an instant! Thank you so much...I listened in the end.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 first off, your boyfriend is angry at you, because you danced a certain way when you were drunk? That is the sign of someone that you should not be with. Two. He HIT you then you push him and then he hits you for pushing him, because he hit you.
You should not seek counseling. You should not stay with him. You should leave.
He is a bad person and will take you down with him.
This will continue.
You do not deserve to be hit and abused by the one person that is supposed to love you.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Mmm, difficult one.
After all you were drunk, so perhaps events might be a bit different?
How hard did he really kick vs how hard you slapped him and threw him out of bed. It can't have been a small push.
And then, the 2 punches in the face, how did these happen? him standing over you? That last bit seems extreme and would be the most obvious warning sign BUT you did kick him out of bed. Might we have two people who can't control their fists here?
What we seem to have is a girl who can't handle alcohol, a guy who kicks rather then just picks you up, a girl who responds with a lot of violence and a guy who then responds in kind.
Two wrongs don't make a right, you are wrong but he should simply have walked away from you and your lack of control. Instead he lost it in turn.
End this relationship and learn to control your actions.
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A
female
reader, Miss Pot Noodle +, writes (8 December 2009):
 He has no excuse for hitting you, what a lowly person! You don't punch someone you love for slapping your back and to do it twice, don't be bullied by this man. Get out of that situation and find somewhere else to stay, I know its hard but you must do it.
There is a lot of help out there, don't be afraid, don't let this man control your life, or let him get away with that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 You ask if you should even be with him, I place my vote in the "NO" corner
No, you shouldn't so get out now!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 December 2009):
Self defence is to protect yourself when you think you are in danger.
You slapped his back after he kicked you.... You were hardly a danger to him.
He didn't just shove you back... he PUNCHED YOU in the FACE. And then he PUNCHED YOU AGAIN.
He also called you names the next morning and hasn't had the decency to apologise.
Leave him now. Just pack up and go back to your parents. I would be very very surprised if your dad was stupid enough to believe you got a black eye like that from a sleepy elbow bump to the face, so they will want you back and to know you are safe.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Hun, sorry, but you need to get out of this relationship.
Okay, so you were drunk, so you pushed him out of bed - he PUNCHED YOU TWICE IN THE FACE.... then he said it that it was ALL YOUR FAULT....
There is no excuse for his beating you up... get out of the relationship now before he does it again...
Call your parents and ask for their help, you can perhaps find someone to share the apartment with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): You did provoke him. But it's his choice to make how he responds. He responded with violence, hard violence. That wasn't a slap on the wrist, he punched you! Had he even just pushed you to get you away from him, but he attacked.
You might be to blame for domestic violence as well (you did slap him) even though the physical damage you can make is far less than what he can. However it does not justify his behavior. Your behavior and his need to be separated as two incidents. Him being a man he could have "protected" himself otherwise, simply by holding you down for example. Or he could have walked away. He punched you instead.
You need to decide if this was a one time thing or not. I am sorry for taking his side here partly. It's because I've hit in a relationship too. As a girl I never understood how damaging hitting could be, because I was never able to do physical damage. Anyway, it's not an easy thing to live with, and I never want to ever hit again. It could be your boyfriend is feeling the same way, and is just finding it very very hard to admit to what he did. I found it so hard to admit to what I did that whenever my boyfriend brought it up that I had hit him Id go completely silent with shame. Took me about a month to gather up the courage and apologize and ask for his forgiveness. And Im very happy he didn't want to let me go.
Back to your case: you were drunk. That doesn't excuse your behavior either. If you get so drunk that you are unable to control your actions (making fun of him, slapping him) then you need to drink less. Same for him, you didn't use alcohol as an excuse for his behavior, but I assume he was drunk as well?
If you want to fix this, learn from the mistakes. Both of you. Drink less. Some people change behavior when they are drunk, it could be what happened to him and you. However, he needs to take FULL responsibility for his own actions. You didn't force him to punch you. It was his choice to make.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Lashing out at you was wrong of him, theres never an excuse for a man hitting a woman. And he hasnt even apologised? My advice would be to speak to a uni counsellor and get him to anger management fast...if you still want to be with him. If he wont go, then leave him. You can always negotiate your way out of a rental contract so dont let that stop you from moving on. In the meantime watch your alcohol intake and his. All the best
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 No male (I wouldn't use the term "man" here) who could strike a woman in the face is worth another minute of your time. Saying that he hit you in self defence is the wetest most pathetic thing that I've heard. For so long as you have any kind of relationship you are not going to be able to forget what he did and nor is he, it is always going to be with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
No, get away from him now. He kicked you for God's sake, let alone gave you the black eye. And as for not being a violent person, now you know the truth. He is! Either get away from him, or become another female statistic of domestic abuse. Drunk has nothing to do with it at all. He kicked you before you pushed him, then he punched you twice in the face! He's in the wrong. Get away from him.
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