A
female
age
51-59,
*eather9h
writes:six years ago i caught my fella with another woman this wasnt the first time and i threw him out. i took him back on the understanding that we went out as a couple and he could go to the local occasionaly. recently hes been going nightclubbing with his mates every couple of weeks even though ive told him im not happy and have even had a breakdown. the thing is he says he feel trapped and he sees no wrong in it. I feel at 37 he should settle down and just go to the local pub and be back at closing time. We have children and a lovely home but i feel i cant put up with this life style he wants. Am i being unre4asonable asking him not to go even though it hasnt worked yet. should i give him the ultimatum. Im cracking up and dont know what to do. Please help.
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male
reader, called Steve +, writes (28 January 2010):
 Many of the comments 'tag' a "man" - women also have affairs and its also difficult for the guy (or partner) to forgive.
Back to the point - it does sound like your guy wants to relive his adolescence, its up to you whether you accept this behaviour.
As I see it - you have two options, either you put up with it and keep quiet or you dont.
Personally I see NO AGE LIMIT on wanting to go Nightclubbing or out Drinking to excess - there are no social rules regarding this. You really need to sit down with him and set some rules with him - if you cant agree on this point - you have to negotiate a deal, if you cant negotiate then you have your answer.
You want him to change by going to the Pub - having a Pint or two then coming home - you want him to be boring, as he would see it. Think carefully about what you really want - sounds to me like you may want an excuse to move on... if this is what you want - be honest and say so.
Regards Steve
A
female
reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (28 January 2010):
 It sounds as if he doesn't feel the way you do! He has broken your trust many times and yet you take him back with "conditions". It all boils down to how much you are willing to put up with. As he has already let you know he is insincere in his promises and commitments, the ball is in your court. I would definitely prepare my finances and living situation so that if you two decide to split, you are not left financially destitute. Really think about how a split will harm or help your family (children). Can you hold out until they are grown? Can you handle the fact that they could possibly have a "step-mom" you abhor? Or they could be exposed to his possible many gf's. Think outside the box and try to see all the alternatives and their repercussions. Oh, and quit breaking down, you have a bloke who is a dud in the commitment department but you created the generous boundaries. By allowing bad behavior you show your acceptance of it. And no, ultimatums don't work unless you are prepared for either outcome. You can't force a person to behave how you want them to no matter how right you are.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (28 January 2010):
 I think the more you try to push a man into doing something the more they will go the other way. I agree with you that at 37 he should come home after the pub and settle down a bit more. He doesn't feel trapped, he is just using that word - he just doesn't like to be told what to do. When a man has an affair it is extremely difficult to give them that freedom again because deep down you think they will do it again. The thing with that is if the man wants to stray he is going to do it even if he does promise to be home by 10.30 every night. He will do it during the day or make up some excuse. Forcing them into this makes them rebel and effectively pushes them in that direction. My ex husband used to keep regular hours and would have afternoon sex in hotels or go away for dirty weekends pretending he was on business. Where there's a will there's a way.
I so understand why this is upsetting you and you can of course give him an ultimatum but be careful if you do as he might just start feeling resentful and talk himself into thinking he is trapped and then wanting out etc etc.
Emotionally he hasn't repaid you for the affair and he hasn't made it up enough to you yet. Try explaining this to him and explaining why you are trying to box him in and see if he can take on board your viewpoint and be a little more considerate and loving towards you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
Sometimes you have to see past all emotion to see the truth, and that can be very hard. Taking away the emotion, you're with a man who has cheated on you before, and it doesn't sound like you're really over it at all. There's nothing wrong with him going out with his mates, but my feelings are you're worried that he's going to wander off again. The problem is, you're asking for him to change. Very, very rarely does a man truly change. He hasn't really. If you're looking or him to do as you want, he won't. You've already asked him to and he hasn't, because he feels 'trapped'. Which is of course rubbish, because a man shouldn't feel trapped. So if this is something you can't handle, then you need to give him the ultimatum. But don't think he'll change, because chances are he won't.
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