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female
,
anonymous
writes: Sorry if this is long.....I have been dating my bf for almost a year, we are very serious, and seem to be madly in love, however he is very insecure and has jealous rages and we always argue.I go to university and im 20 and he works and hes 25, in my first year at uni everything was fine until the last couple of months at uni, he didnt like me talking to other males and he got angry that they used to phone me, in the end he broke my sim card and i had to change my number.I have stopped talking to my friends and i dont socialise with anyone any more just to make him trust me because he feels as though im going to cheat on him, yes i have lied to him in the past about talking to other guys, and ive apologised to him.Now things are getting worse, when i see him after work hes alwayz in a mood, he assumes that im always looking at other men and im an attention seeker, and a flirt, we seldom go anywhere and when we do for example go shopping he thinks im staring at other men and he thinks that it makes him look "bad" and makes me look like a "Slut" or a "Hoe".The past four days he has made me cry so much, and he has been intimidating me, telling me that ive hurt him too much and he cant be with me because he doesnt want to be with a girl who acts like a "Hoe". He has even cried infront of me, and claims that i dont deserve his love and i dont appreciate him but hes my first love and my 2nd serious relationship.I cant believe he is acting like this, i go back to uni next month and he admitted he doesnt trust me and he thinks lots of guys are going to approach me and im going to reciprocate their advances.Its not fair,because i love him so much and im sure he loves me, but the constant accusing is really hurting me, he just keeps bringing up the past when we first met in a bar and how i used to flirt with other men infront of him, im a young, friendly girl and i dont sleep with any random guy, and i dont understand how he can say these spiteful things to me. we have even stopped going places so he doesnt feel insecure.He wants to break up with me now, but im trying my best to keep him, ive done everything i can to make this relationship work, im stuck and i just dont know what to do. please help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, keepitreal +, writes (7 September 2006):
Break up with him first. This isent love it's lust I went through the same exact thing. My EX would isolate me from my friends call me a whore and acuse me of sleeping with his roomates. He was rude to me we never went anywhere, and everything was about him. I stayed because of his looks he was so good looking i couldent help myself and the sex was horrible, but he looked good. he broke up with me anyway. when it comes down to it their insecure little boys who want to have a little bit of power. get out of their your in college have fun he wont be your first and he wont be your last
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 Your boyfriend sounds scary. If he wants to break up with you, show him where the door is. . . and tell him not to let it hit him in ass on the way out. He's trying to control you and smother you. He doesn't love you, he wants to own you.
That's not what a relationship is about. You can't go through life jumping through hoops for this guy. You're young and in college. There are lots of opportunities for you to meet someone who will love you and at the same time allow you the freedom to be yourself, and not a captured specimen in a glass display case.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 Your boyfriend has probably been treated badly by past girlfriends and this is why he feels insecure. My boyfriend has the same problem but it is my fault really because at the beginning of our relationship I would flirt with other men to see his reaction, I wanted him to think that loads of blokes wanted me. I dont know why, I guess it was my age. I too am only twenty. Now my boyfriend never lets me out with my friends alone, he always comes too. Even then we argue because he thinks that I am looking at other blokes, but I am not. I really love him and regret doing it. Now all I do is compliment him all the time, and I never speak about past boyfriends anymore. I also never speak about any blokes at work, and I never speak to blokes infront of him. I think that your relationship can be saved if you keep reassuring him. Give him loads of attention. Loads of hugs and kisses. I wish you the best hunny.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 A few things about jealousy...
- It is irrational. Who you are has nothing to do with this, it is all about him. It is likely some sexual / relationship insecurity. Do not feel that you have done something wrong, do not feel it is your fault. And especially, do not feel 'less than' because of what he says and does. You sound like a very nice human being! Make sure he doesn't take that away from you.
- It is very normal. Jealousy is a common emotion. You are not alone, and not the only person to have experienced this. There are many books on the subject, famous works of art devoted to it, and so on... Othello, the play by Shakespeare, is about jealousy. Jealousy is in fact a deep genetic behaviour, it has been with us for millions of years. You can see examples of jealousy all across the animal kingdom... it is as common as fear, anger and love.
- It is one of the most destructive emotions within a relationship. It makes people say and do horrible things which can poison even an otherwise healthy relationship. Many things can be said that are hard to forgive. You will never truly forget the words you say your boyfriend has called you.
- To truly beat jealousy takes a long time and a lot of effort by both partners. Critical to this is self-realisation on the part of the jealous partner that it is their issue, their problem, and that they need to accept responsibility. It sounds like your boyfriend has not done this. You need to ask yourself if:
1. He is capable of this kind of introspection and self-realisation?
2. He will be willing to try to overcome his problem (and not blame it on your behaviour and want you to change)?
3. Is he worth it? Is this man worth a year of pain and soul-searching? With no guarantee that you will get through it?
If the answers to those three questions are all 'yes', then I recommend you stay together and try to go to couples counselling. If the answer is 'no', then you should consider leaving him.
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