A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was with me for a year and a half, and then we split up for a month (he was halfway cheating on me). During this time, he squished his love for me and since then, we got together and it has been 'growing back.' Well, it has been almost two months and he still can't say 'I love you very much' or that he loves me with all his heart and has even told me he doesn't love me as much as he used to. That hurts me a lot, because I never once lost my goal of getting married to him when everything falls into place life wise. What do I do? He says he will love me that much again, but it takes time. How much time? I feel awful whenever he can't say it, or tells me that he doesn't love me as much. It makes me feel like an old stuffed animal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I know that all of the aunts including myself tell you to get out of this relationship now, but that may not serve you the best.I am drawing a conclusion here based on how you worded your break up sentence, that you broke up with him.If so, your boyfriend's pride was hurt, he feels he failed you and disappointed you and is walled off protecting his wounded ego....if you care about this man, talk with him about what needs to change in your relationship (him not cheating and you dating exclusively giving your relationship the best chance it deserves to grow) ask him if he wants to be an adult and grow with you in this relationship....and try not to argue with him about anything for at least three months...he needs time to recover from this blow....he may also have had his illusions about you and your relationship (we never fight or disagree, etc) and realizes that even your relationship with each other requires work....and he may be afraid of making more mistakes and fighting with you....he may just not be ready to commit to the relationship with you, it is a concious decision he has to make, that is what real love is, a decision, not a feeling that he can squish...trust me his feelings are still there or he would not have returned to you....loneliness has very little to do with that, he is bonded to you....and he misses that bond, he misses you.....that said you can't hold back if you become upset with him, tell him calmly how you think about the situation, and tell him what he needs to do to correct things and be your hero, and then drop the subject and wait for him to behave....look at the progress of your relationship in three month increments, is he getting closer, more committed? If not reevaluate and do yourself a favor and stop wasting and sacrificing your heart for a man who may not be emotionally available....you are the best judge on that one, my dear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I don't think it is fair that he feels this way while at the same time still being your bf. If he chooses to be your bf it should only be because he completely loves you. I have been in your bf's position before, where I just don't feel as much love for that person, and out of respect I broke it off. Cause it is just not fair to feel that way and yet lead someone on like that. He is being selfish. Obviously he doesn't really feel it anymore but for some selfish reason he is still with you. And please excuse me for being so blunt, but most likely it is because he doesn't want to be alone and very possibly because of the sex. (Sorry). But I know this because I have been there before. But the ONLY reason he should be with you is because he LOVES you and can't imagine himself without you and NOT because he doesn't want to be lonely.
I KNOW how hard it is to break up with someone who gives you hope that things are going to get better. But in reality, he is giving you false hope. Chances are that if he doesn't feel love for you right now, he probably isn't going to feel it later. I hate to be so blunt and I don't know any other way to say it but he is with you because he is lonely.
But this doesn't mean that you are not a great girl. I am sure you are. I guess you could hang in there and see if things improve cause I know its so hard to give up the hope. But its causing you so much distress cause his words and feelings are very hurtful and I am afraid that it will really hurt your self image. If he were a bigger person he would have ended it with you simply out of respect that you deserve better. But he is selfish and is only thinking of himself. That's his character. So you could find the strength to be the bigger person and say "Wrong! I deserve better, and if you don't love me right now, that's just not good enough for me. Peace." And then you move on and you will eventually feel like a million bucks for being so strong and not settling for how little he has to offer. If you can, be strong and don't settle for this anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Hi, it is difficult to advise you on what to do as I don't know how you interact with your boyfriend....his lack of committment could be his lack of maturity and character or it could be that you are actually driving him away by having a goal of getting married.
For one, it does sound like you two are in a power struggle, you wanting and him not giving....if this goes on for too long your self esteem will take a severe beating...don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and set some ground rules...no one half way cheats....he was cheating by just dating other girls if you were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship.
For another, you may be uninspiring to him as you do let him walk all over you and take him back and settle for less from him than you deserve....if he is stringiing you along, don't let him, tell him you are going to date other men whether he likes it or not, and maybe you will actually find someone who treats you better....it could be that you are not treating yourself as if you were valuable, think I am expensive, and your boyfriend needs to realize the gem you are, you aren't some common ordinary woman that can be easily replaced, you are wonderful woman with much to offer....Really men are sometimes very simple they need a wake up call, they need to feel like your search for a husband has been extensive and that you are chosing HIM and not just filling a job opening for a husband....he wants a woman who has other interests in life besides HIM and getting married...he needs a bit of a challenge, and he needs you to put him in his place quickly and succinctly when he is out of line and doesn't treat you with respect or takes you for granted...you really do teach people how to treat you.
If after all of your efforts to try and get him to commit are met with stalling and delayed dating tactics and disinterest and disrespect, then please, give him what he wants and set him free....you are not on the same page with each other.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I disagree with this last post; if this were a personal issue of being sad, MAYBE i'd suggest "fake it til ya make it," but you can't pretend to be happy when you aren't, why should you deny your feelings? being unhappy may make one undesirable, but the desire should already be there enough that anything countering that WOULDN'T scare off someone that loves you (ie. a guy that loves you should want to see you happy). I'm sure you guys have good times, but they aren't like before, and I think you should sort of put a time cap to see if things get better; if they dont' I think you should start putting your feelings first; you shouldn't feel bad, though, cause it sounds like he's the one who "1/2 cheated" and is the confused one to begin with. Update us please!
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (24 January 2008):
 All i can say is if you truly believe he loves you and that you also truly love him as much as you say then keep trying. The healing process on both sides could take days, months, or years. Depending on how much you hurt each other this last time.
But some guys just cant verbalize how they feel about someone. Just go by how he acts.
Just wait things our until you both heal then things could go back to the way things were. But if you have any doubts about the relationship you are in maybe you should get out now. While you seem to be distant anyway
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 He is telling you his feelings. It is possible he felt that way at that moment. He is a living being and his feelings can change over time. Do not hold a man's word forever. Tomorrow is another day and he may not feel the same.Feelings are like tides, there are high and low tides.
Some men are not emotional and cannot say those words. You need only to look at his actions whether he loves you or not.
You should not worry about this issue. Let it go and just let your love flow ,he will respond .
In his eyes , you are becoming more neurotic , needy and clingy and it will turn him off. You need to be happy , when he is around.
When you laugh,the whole world laughs with you . When you cry , you cry alone. I rather be with someone who is happy than someone who is always unhappy .
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): It makes me feel like an old stuffed animal" You plainly are hurting...badly and I am sorry.
I have to ask, why are you nurturing this misery? How long do you want to wait for him to decide he loves you? Honestly, how do you 'squash' your love for someone? Either the devotion, the caring, the good love is there or it's not. Why do wonderful, good people like yourself, take these kind of 'painful' hits, rather than just face up to what this person is really doing. If I were you, I would tell him...it's all or nothing and be prepared to walk away, if he can't come up with the goods. This sounds horrid, but to me--it really sounds like he stringing you along until a better offer comes his way. Some people do this to others. If he's sort of cheated on you anyways, he's not in the giving, other-involved loving state of mind is he. To even consider cheating should tell anyone...the lovin' feeling just isn't there. That tells you a lot of information about him and who he is.
Why not go it alone? Being alone, unattached and single can be a fun filled life with all sorts of super opportunities that could come your way. Don't get caught in that trap of thinking that being alone is a negative thing. It takes great personal courage, to take the blinders off and see this foir what it truely is. It's when you finally look rationally at this situation and ask yourself...do I really deserve to be just 'half-loved here?' And why am I putting up with this? Learn to analyze this situation through clarity and common sense. Stop appeasing your emotions..it's making you think in a confused way, as to what he's doing to you. He wasting your life. All the time this guy is telling you all this crap, you are sitting there waiting and hoping. He's in the power position here and he's got you. So get that power back, think calmly, clearly and just stop struggling. See all this for 'what it is'. And then make a decison about whether you will put up with some guy who can't love you fully and in the most meaningful way. If he won't...get out there and find a wonderful, new guy that will. Take care and best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): maybe you should give him his space and make him realize was hes losing....
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