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female
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anonymous
writes: Recently my boyfriend told me he wants a threesome - me, and another man.I told him no, and that it would bring out negative emotions in the relationship, but he insisted it was for the best.I asked him why he liked threesomes, and he said they're OK. I think he only wants the threesome so he can sleep with the other man - as recently, he's been pointing out attractive-looking men on TV saying "That guy's fit!" or "He's sexy!" when we're watching TV, yet he still insists he loves me. He insists he isn't gay or bisexual either - isn't what he's saying contradicting this??He's still pushing his point of view that we should have a threesome, and claiming it will make the relationship stronger.How do I deal with this before it causes me worry??Dawn (22) in Stockport, Greater Manchester
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male
reader, Dr. Reality Check  +, writes (2 November 2006):
 Does HE actully want to have sex with the guy, or just watch you with him?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): Interesting, is he your age? Most men of that generation by the time they are in their 20's are more sure about their sexuality but in your boyfriends case he is either in denial himself (he genuingly doesn't think he is gay) or you are seeing things that arn't there.
I think threesomes have a high likelyhood to instantly ruin a relationship. They do make some relationships stronger, but it's very rare, and the couple have to be very strong, and definately share the same views about the whole thing.
Reading between the lines I would say a threesome would destroy your relationship. I do think there is more going on with your boyfriends interest with other men but I'm not sure how you can really deal with it if he refuses to even admit that he is sexually attracted to them.
What are the specifics you have discussed about the threesome? Is part of the plan going to be him having sex with this guy, or is he going to watch you have sex with this other guy? Or both? For him to have sex with a guy, you will need to be with a guy who is gay or bisexual, perhaps that is his fantasy? To be with a guy?
You're in a difficult situation because unless you can get him to open up about his feelings, you are going to have to go with your intuition on this one. How faithful does he seem? If he is in denial about having homosexual tendancies, but at the same time is very keen to engage in sex, then do you think there is a possibility that he could look elsewhere if you make it clear you are not going to ever go through with it?
I think you should remain strong about your decision to not go through with a threesome, I think you need to get to know each other much more and fill in those missing jigsaw pieces because right now their is a big missing part of the picture that you need to fill in.
All the best
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A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (2 November 2006):
Maybe he is in denial. A lot of men don't like to admit to themselves or anyone else that they are or even might be gay or bi. I suggest you stick to what you've already said - NO. I can't see how bringing another men into your bedroom will make the relationship stronger - especially when you don't want it, and sorry but if a threesome is needed to make your relationship stronger then it doesn't speak too highly of the relationsip/
I think it might already be causing you worry and for good reason. Monitor things closely and see what happens.
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