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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year now, and it is great for the most part. He just still does not want to say we are boyfriend and girlfriend. He says that he has his kids and he does not need a girlfriend. He is sending me mixed signals. When we are together he treats me like we are together we go on trips out to dinner he even sent flowers for my birthday last week. I just don't know how much longer I can do this without him committing. Then this weekend he was just being mean saying things like he is tired of me and he needs a break I started crying and told him that I would see him later then he grabs me and hugs me and tells me not to go. He was treating pretty bad in front of his 12 year old daughter, she got very mad at him and told him to quit hurting my feelings. Then today he calls and says baby I'm sorry baby I'm sorry for making you cry. What do I do I love him and the kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsix and a half years together and our relationship is stronger than ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot quite what I meant. I was happy with my single life before I met him. I have never felt so strongly for someone until him. It just sucks I know it will never happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): One other thing. Think about what you are telling yourself. I don't mind being single, I don't care if I have a committed relationship, I only care if I have one with him.
What a bunch of bullshit you are feeding yourself.
All of that is a bunch of lies you are telling yourself.
If you want to continue chasing after something that a guy is not willing to give, then you are not living your dreams.
You mean to tell me that you need this one guy to make you happy in life, otherwise forget it. You will be single for the rest of your life?
Come on, your level of investment and committment to him is way out of line compared to his. Is this the life you imagined for your self, really?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Don't blame yourself entirely for the problems with him committing! He is a commitment phobe, and that is not in any way your doing....Like I said, he already knows what you want and he doesn't care, at least not today, and you can't change anyone but yourself right?
I understand you are wanting it from him, but you are wishing for something that may never be. My late uncle who was a Doctor of Medicine and raised on a hard luck farm had a crass saying: Let's see you wish in one hand and shit in the other and then let's see which hand fills up first." My meaning of that is you are wasting your life and in your case your very own love life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRymthmandblues thank you your advise was helpful and not at all hurtful. You have good insight I'm just scared. I don't mind being single I don't care if I have a committed relationship. I care about having one with him. I know I brought this on myself by not standing up for myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): Yes you should absolutely tell him what you want.
Yes you should absolutely back off and live your own life and give him the speech I gave to you.
You have to be prepared to let him go if he does not step up. By focusing on what you want intstead of getting confused by him you will actually get what it is you want, committment either with him or with someone else.
Who knows maybe your boyfriend has a personality disorder, like borderline personality disorcer meaning he cannot change his "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior, it is better stand for something to to fall for anything.
Just get your rear in gear and take care of you. They are his children, you don't owe them babysitting and I am sure he can find another. Don't allow yourself to be used in this way. Say to the kids you love them but you are busy and I will see you later, can't babysit you tonight...
You have nothingn to feel guilty about, you are not their family, not by a long shot.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): I have to admit that based on your original post I could understand you were confused. But now, having read your subsequent reactions to other people's comments I must admit I got annoyed.
It seems you two are in a very unhealthy state of constant manipulation and, not only that: you both drag children in this destructive mess!! Both of you should get your act together and take some responsibility, if not for yourselves then at least for the kids.
Now, you may find this agressive but look at it this way: you cannot force somebody to change. He will change if he wants to change. But you, you can take the bull by the horns and step up to the plate. Here's what I think it boils down to:
1. You have been with this man for over a year, spent quite some time and emotion analyzing everything he says but never told him you loved him? If you do: tell him.
2. Having a committed relationship is important to you? Show him how important it is. Don't just say it, but react if he doesn't give it to you. If you stay even if he doesn't give you what you want it means it was not that important to you after all.
3. Stop using the kids as an excuse to get close to him. Yes, you may love them, yes, you may enjoy spending time with them BUT if you truly want what's best for them you should stop setting an example of a bad manipulative relationship. Period.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionq1605 I have tried to give him space I won't call him I will wait for his call and everytime he asks why haven't you called me? I tell him I was trying to give you space then he starts in on the plans for that night or the weekend. I do not pursue him he pursues me and it is not about booty calls before you get it twisted. We really enjoy each others company. We will go out to dinner and spend three hours at our table our food will be ice cold before we finish. I ask him why does he choose to hang out with me he says cause your the best, and just awesome to be around, I love spending time with you. He doesn't hang out with anybody else but me he has deleted all females out of his phone. He was talking to a couple of different girls when we first met in just a short time they were all out of his life and he only had room for me. He told me not to come over this weekend I did not plan on it, but I made plans to go shopping with his daughter so I picked her up from her mothers when we were done he called and wanted to see what we got so I took her back to his house where he insisted we both stay to hang out watch a movie and have dinner together. I told him that I was leaving he insisted that I stay. Then later he started being mean. I tried to leave again when he said he needed space but he stopped me again he grabbed me and hugged me and asked me to stay. So how am I smothering him? I tell him I am trying to give you space, then he doesn't want me to leave. I went on vacation for a week and he of course called me everyday then when I got back he didn't let me out of his sight he just kept looking at me like he had never seen me before I would walk off then he would be right by my side holding my hand or giving me a kiss. One night we had finally got a chance to see each other after about a week and a half we were both very busy at that time, as I'm a full time student with a full time job and he works 60 plus hours a week, he rolled over kissed me and told me how much he missed me and that night he wouldn't let go. So am I smothering him? We talk almost everyday but we only see each other two to three times a week. That leave 4 to 5 days with no physical contact. Also, I never bring up the fact that I love him he doesn't know. I never have told him I want to commit I am waiting for him to ask for it. I guess it is not going to happen.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Taking you out on dates and going on trips with you doesn't necessarily mean he thinks you two are in a committed relationship. The fact that he won't call you his girlfriend and even makes several excuses why he doesn't want to is a pretty clear indication that he doesn't see you as one, and probably never will. He sounds like the type that would consider what you two have as 'just having fun'. If you want to be in a relationship that progresses and actually goes somewhere, I suggest you get out of the one you're in now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat was advise. Thank you I guess I knew all along what I need to to but I can't help but to fall into a trap. I hate the fact that I love him. I hate being emotionally invested when he is not. I need to seriously back way the hell up and evaluate this from the outside and try to figure out what I would say to a friend and do it. I just have one issue I promised him I would watch his children saturday so he could work I can't back out now can I? I need to break from this for a while but I can't break a promise the kids look forward to seeing me they call me all the time and ask to see me. I don't know what to do he also wants me to go trick or treating with them. I'm so lost. So confused. I need to break this cycle. But how? Should I just tell him I want a commitment or would that be a mistake?
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female
reader, alwayznd4eva116 +, writes (13 October 2009):
 im in almost the same situation. i have been seeing this guy for over a year now. and one of the first things he said was he wanted to settle down. he also said i mite not be ready for that bcuz im 18 and hes 31. but i assured him, that i wanted a relationship too. time went by, things happened, and still no committment. we argue, stop talkin bcuz he says hes done with me, and two weeks later, hes hitting me up. idk whats wrong with him. one min hes saying im still his boo, and he wants it to be more, but still puts no title on what we have. im so emotionally attached to him now. i really care for him, maybe even love him. but i decided for my own sake and happiness to let him go. i said it a thousand times before but this time, im going to move on. if he wanted to commit, he wouldve been did it. he told me he only has time for work and his daughter..well i wish him the best of luck with that.but i definetly agree with the guy before me. good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): I don't think anyone is trying to insult you here, but instead is pointing out what the man is telling you and you probably need to listen regardless of what he is doing to confuse you.
Men reach committment differently than women. We women see time spent and events as proof that we are moving along the path to happily ever after with a guy, gifts given, vacations spent with him all of it...where he just sees it as he is "dating" you and he has not promised you anything. If and until a man steps up and claims you as the ONE he wants to spend the rest of his life with and wants to marry with a ring and a date, he is not committed to you.
You are in a girlfriend trap. And the only person who can get you out of it is you. You have been dating him awhile now and he knows what you want from him, so it isn't insight he lacks so no amount of explaining, convincing or conjoling is going to motivate him to step up.
The only thing that you can do is to stop putting your focus on him. It does not matter if he isn't committing or why. What you can do is tell him in a nice way that of course he can take all the time he needs to decide if he wants to be with you long-term, but that you do not want to be any body's girlfriend, what you want is happily ever after. So tell him to take all the time he needs, but while he does that he can not have you all to himself. Start dating other men or leaving your heart open to them, start doing the things you want to do that do not include him and never drop your plans for him, become busy with your own life and let him worry about fitting in with yours. I am not talking about making him jealous, I am talking about you being truly busy with your own life.
He has to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could lose you forever to some other man if he does not step up and claim you. If you are not OK with him dating other women tell him that if he does you will take that as his answer and you will move on. So what if he doesn't like it that you are going to be keeping company with other men, you can reassure him that you will remain sexually faithful to him.
You can not get off your path to happily ever after if that is truly what you want with a man, to go around and follow this man in his confusion....it is a waste of your time and your very love life. Take your power back and put your focus squarely on you.
So far he has not given you any indication that he wants what you want, so why are you spinning your wheels, so you love him, well is he loving you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat was a little hateful and rude. I do listen but it is the actions that are the mixed signals that I'm talking about. He does everything that a boyfriend does. He takes me on dates we go on trips together all sorts of things, and we have an awesome sex life. He has asked me to move in before and talked about having a child together so yeah there are mixed signals. I also said that when I tried to leave he stopped me from leaving and called and said he was sorry for being mean and making me cry. I asked for advice not to be insulted.
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