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female
,
*eorgyGirl
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for two months now, and our sex life has almost completely stopped. In the two month period, he's moved house and is about to change jobs - I put the lack of sex down to stress and tiredness.However, a few days ago he told me that because of his past (rather permissive and anonymous, which is fine - at least he was honest with me about it from the start) he finds it difficult to be intimate with me, because he loves me, and cannot reconcile "sex" with "love".Now I'm just totally confused - if I dress sexily, he says it reminds him of one-night stands, but if I don't dress sexily, he says we're "comfortable" together and he just wants to cuddle.What is going on?????
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female
reader, GeorgyGirl +, writes (16 April 2006):
GeorgyGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help!
Today I sat down with my boyfriend and talked it all out - how hurt it makes me feel, and the anger and rejection, and he has agreed to go for councelling. I think I might have frightened him a bit as he thought I was going to break up with him. Nothing could be further from the truth!! He reassured me that he loves me more than anything and that this is important.
I'm considering going for councelling myself - purely because I don't want the feelings of anger and rejection to interfere and turn this into a bigger problem.
Thank you once again!
A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (17 March 2006):
 I agree with Irish - I think that your boyfriend needs the help of a counsellor who can help address the issue.
What your boyfriend is experiencing probably isn't that unusual - I think there are a reasonable number of men and women who don't connect sex with love but it is unusual that he has lost his sex drive because of it.
I suppose you have probably tried this but what about doing something really romantic - something that is unrelated to one night stands but is more in line with a realtionship. Maybe a really nice, relaxing dinner that you cook, some nice wine, some candles, maybe a nice walk in a beautiful setting etc - nothing to do with sex. Maybe this will help stir up some of the more romantic aspects of the relationship without being overtly sexual.
But I think that for a long term solution, it is probably worth seeking out the assistance of a couples counsellor or a shrink who can help your boyfriend understand why he is thinking like this and how perhaps to attack it and alter the way he sees love and sex.
Take care and good luck. You sound like a very supportive and understanding girlfriend, he is a lucky man to have someone like you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): Gosh, this is so sad for him and you. Your bf may be a classic example of "why and what happens" to many people who experience a casual, promiscuous sex life. It doesn't to all, but some people do become casualties of this lifestyle. If your bf has had a promiscuous past-it's likely that having sex for him, has been deeply dehumanized. Love and Emotions are taken out of this type of sex, and one ends up treating people as things and they in turn are treated as a thing. When we treat others as like this, we not only hurt them; we hurt ourselves by losing respect for oneself. In your bf's case, sexual intercourse has lost its meaningfulness, it's beauty, and specialness. Instead of being a loving, uniquely intimate expression of two people's commitment to each other, sex for him is trivial in his mind. Sadly, sometimes it takes years to recover from the effects of these sexual involvements. Sex can certainly be a source of great pleasure and joy; but it can also be the source of deep wounds and suffering.
I think your bf may need some professional help to re-learn about the healthy aspects and the true beauty of sex between two people who care about each other. Have him speak to his family physician about this problem and they will know how to guide him to the proper therapist.
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