A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI split up with my bf of four years six months ago. I'm 25. The split was amicable as we both wanted different things. For two months I've been chatting to a guy online. We chat most days and I really like him. We've spoke on the phone and we send daily pictures to one another. We seem to have a lot in common and are interested in the same things. He lives 200 miles away from me but we'd planned to meet up one weekend. He offered to come to me and I agreed that I would go to him the following weekend, depending on how and if we got along, of course. I told him almost immediately that I wasn't looking for some cheap one night stand, however I also said I didn't want to rush into anything and wanted to take things slowly. He was fine with this. Just the past few days he's become really distant. I've sent him two text messages and he hasn't replied to neither but he got in touch this morning and said he's sorry for not contacting me but he's been seeing a girl from work and thinks its heading for a possible relationship. I was hurt and upset at this and on the spur of the moment, I called him and told him exactly what I thought of him and made him aware how much he'd hurt me. He was very apologetic but said I shouldn't have "put all my eggs into one basket" and relied solely on planning on meeting him. I guess he is right but we'd promised each other we wouldn't get involved with anyone else until we'd met and decided if we'd liked each other enough to carry on seeing each other. I still really like him but I don't see any way back from this. This may sound petty to some of you but I am quite upset.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 I don't blame you for being a bit hurt. It sounds as if he somewhat misled you, as you say you both agreed not to see other people until you met one another to determine your feelings. So I can't blame you for feeling disappointed.
At the same time, it sounds as if he met someone local who he began connecting with recently and it would be unreasonable for him to say no to her because he may like a girl he hasn't met yet. I don't think he intended to be hurtful. I just think it happened and he was then honest about it. He probably didn't plan on it happening. And I'm sure if you were local, things would have been very different. It is unfortunate you got hurt. I'm sorry that happened.
Keep your head up.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2014):
 Yep Yep to Auntie Cindy's advice.
Forget about him. He isn't worth the hassle.
HE was looking for a good romp with a girl whom he also shared things in common with BUT getting SEX was his priority.
I'd block, delete etc. and move on.
I would also consider (if you are looking for a BF) to look closer to home.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2014):
 Yep CindyCares nailed it.. the minute you made it clear he was not getting laid he was done with you. At least he didn't show up and try to pressure you into sex (which happens plenty too)
LDRs can work but not until people have met and realize they actually have chemistry together and are old enough to support (both with time and money) a long distance relationship long enough to make it a close relationship.
The fact that you were willing to NOT meet or entertain the thoughts of others before you even MET this guy is what he was referring to as putting all your eggs in one basket.. clearly he kept his options open and met a local girl....
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (8 May 2014):
Hello, This has already been answered by previous posts. I am just adding my thoughts...It was all going well until you mentioned, 'no one night stand and taking things slowly.' This was when he pulled away. Obviously, he saved face by going along with your wishes. 'I'm fine with this.' After this, he pulled away. He was no longer interested in this arrangement. It's not about you or how you look, he wanted something different. He didn't reply because he had no intention of carrying on things. I don't know, i am guessing but he probably would have met you if there was the option or possibility of casual or whatever. One thing I do know, is that he wasn't going to travel 200 miles for something he deemed would be without the option of casual sex in the near future. But, treat all this as good news and a great relief. He was an online person and you are free from him because he wasn't looking for the same thing as you. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2014):
 Why would you make an exclusivity promise without meeting? You can date more than one person until you've made a decision. Don't say that again - the exclusivity thing, because that signals a relationship getting serious, which is pressuring for commitment way too fast, and you scared him off with that, because it's clingy. Sometimes we date and the person we're dating chooses another. It happens. Not cool, but there are other people out there.
That's like saying that you're going shoe shopping but ONLY trying on one pair. No way! You can try 99 pairs in one sitting and then take home the one you want. That's like dating 5 guys and being attracted to one the most and picking him, or like a job interview where they have 20 people come in but choose the one they like most.
He's right - do not put your eggs in one basket. Exclusivity should be talked about when you're at the point of the relationship where you start getting serious, not before your first date!! You *can* tell him that you're interested at taking it slow without sex on your first meeting, but don't then say you're already exclusive!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 .. maybe it will make you less upset ( or, more !, but in a constructive way ) when you reflect on the fact that as soon as you mentioned, or reiterated, your intention to take things real slow and not jump into sexual intimacy... he cooled off immediately. He SAID he was fine with that, but he DID something different. Obviously the guy wasn't going to travel 200 miles for NOT getting laid.
That's the thing with Internet " dating "- that's so damn easy. As long as all you've got to do is text and chat, why not, it's a no effort, pleasant, cool passtime,it helps whiling away slow days at work, it's perfect for when there's nothing on Tv or you are too broke to go out, you don't even need to shower, dress and look presentable, ... when there's actual effort, actual action involved, the story may become different.
Keep it in mind for your next forays online, and , not only do not put all your eggs in a basket, but also, do not get so attached so soon to someone you haven't ever met , and don't take so literally the " promises " you exchange with a perfect stranger at 200 miles from you...
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 May 2014):
 So your contact was by phone and online, correct? You did not actually meet, is that right?
It sounds like it, and disapp0ointing as it is when you thought you were getting on so well, the fact is, you did not meet, plus there was a distance of 200 miles between you.
Long distance relationships CAN work, true, but it has to take more effort by both of you - especially when you have jobs - to find the time to get together, not to mention cost of transportation, whether you fly or drive.....
He was clearly aware of the difficulties but probably enjoyed chatting, etc, perhaps without really thinking through the implications - until you mentioned what you were/were not looking for.
Given all that, and the fact that the girl he works with is close at hand.....still, it was unfortunate that he promised not to get involved with anyone else until you'd met.
To sum up: look at it this way: you really hadn't invested that much in this potential relationship so far. It's better to find out early on that it's a no go......
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