A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles. My boyfriend is always short of money, I have to pay for our all our travel, the whole rent and he pays 1/2 our food. He says he can't afford any more because of maintenance for his daughter who is 8. I do not know what he earns exactly but it is not a lot and he is mostly broke, can't even afford the food sometimes. I don't think he is hiding money I think he gives it all to ex for child. I can't go on like this, I am not mean but surely if we both work we should both contribute to our household even if we don't have kids together? He says I can pay our bills because I don't have kids. I don't agree. Should I addres the issue or just let him go? He has tried to look for another job but no luck in 2 years. He also stays out of work a lot because he says he doesn't enjoy it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): There are many ways to contribute to a household, traditionally the woman do far more of the household chores and traditionally the male bring home a bigger slice of the bacon.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 I wouldn't change my answer if the roles were reversed, to be honest.
There are many ways to contribute to a household, traditionally the woman do far more of the household chores and traditionally the male bring home a bigger slice of the bacon.
Whether it's a man or a woman the statement :
"Because I pay for My child YOU have to pay our bills... I call bullshit". Having a child doesn't mean you can't contribute at all.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 August 2013):
 i do agree with anon female. she's right. i thought about this while i was writing my response.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Responding to third anon female response:"Yet, when the genders are reversed and it's the woman who wants her male partner to financially support her because she has a child and does not want to work...well, that is what we call the 'traditional family', is it not??"If the genders were reversed, my definition of a "traditional family" would not extend to non-custodial baby mama shacking up with childless guy while using her alleged child support obligations to her baby daddy as an excuse for contributing nothing to the household. If the genders were reversed and roles switched, my definition of a "traditional family" would not extend to an unemployed baby mama shacking up with her working baby daddy while exploiting her legally unmarried status to collect government benefits unavailable to stay-at-home married mothers. If the genders and roles were reversed, my definition of a "traditional family" WOULD extend to a married mother whose earning capacity allows her husband to be a stay-at-home dad, as I define a "traditional family" as a household in which the parents (regardless of gender or orientation) are legally related to each other and all other members, and as such they are making JOINT contributions to their combined JOINT assets to the benefit of the entire family.To OP: Deadbeat boyfriend is shamelessly mooching and freeloading off you only because you're letting him.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 August 2013):
what on earth would he do if you two broke up? or what did he do before you two moved in together? certainly he managed to survive on his own before you. i think he's just being lazy and he sounds selfish. he needs to pick up a second job to cover his child as well as his bills. it's only fair. you have every right to be frustrated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): I don't have any new advice since I fully agree with everyone else here who says leave him.
However, I want to point out something to the Aunts and Uncles here:
So here we have a man who wants his female partner to financially support him because he has a child and does not want to work. Everyone here says this makes him a loser, lazy, a leach, out to use the OP, no good, etc.
Yet, when the genders are reversed and it's the woman who wants her male partner to financially support her because she has a child and does not want to work...well, that is what we call the "traditional family", is it not?? Lots of people arrange their relationships like this - stay at home woman, sole breadwinner man, whether or not they have kids.
Why is it all fine and dandy for a woman to choose not to work and live off her male partner (even if he doesn't want to, he gets pressured into going along with it as the right thing to do), but not for a man to do the same with his female partner? Is this fair?
just food for thought. I ask this because I have female friends who decided, once they met a man, that now they could stop working, and they did. They quit their jobs, and their male partner has had to financially support them. And no one batters an eye at this. It is seen as socially normal, and advantages for their relationship, both by society and by those men who have to support their female partners who simply dont' want to work. I also have a male friend whose girlfriend just quit working because she didn't like her job, and against his wishes she moved in with him since she could no longer afford her own rent and he has to financially support her. This has been going on for years. He doesn't like it and has always felt used and taken advantage of, but everyone guilts him into accepting it as "the right thing for a man to do is to financially support his woman." (I happen to think it's not OK but I'm in the minority I guess.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): You should let him go. This is what did it for me: "He also stays out of work a lot because he says he doesn't enjoy it."
So in other words, he wants you to pay for everything BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO WORK.
if whatever money he has, needs to go to his kid, and he has no money left, then he is in no position to create a new household with someone else unless he is looking for a "sugar momma".
his attitude of "you don't have kids so you need to pay for our household" is selfish. what if you got married and had kids with him (which I sincerely hope you won't!). Will he then refuse to support his children with you, because he has to support his kid from his ex? don't wait around to find out, get rid of him now!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (31 July 2013):
He wants you to take all the responsibility for the finances because he has children? No, that’s not on. Why should you foot the bills because he has a child? As for him finding work and struggling, I know it’s tough out there but how hard is he really trying? You write: “He stays out of work a lot because he says he doesn’t enjoy it.” Well that’s just tough, he’s got commitments and responsibilities so he’s got to do all he can to find work, not decide that he won’t because he doesn’t like it. If you feel this is unfair then you have to tell him so, who knows how he’ll react but he needs to understand his expectation of you is unreasonable. Where you go from there will presumably depend on how he responds.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2013):
Honestly, it sounds like he has it made with you.
Does he do chores? Take care of the house, cook, clean? Anything? At least with him doing chores he is CONTRIBUTING to the household in a way.
If he is not working because he doesn't "feel" like it and he doesn't take care of chores, I would honestly end it, because it means he will not change.
I do think when a couple are dating that they SHOULD share costs 50/50 - once they decide to "be" a family either married or not it can be negotiated.
You don't really sound to happy about the relationship at all, so like eyeswideopen says, what's in it for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): You may love him and want to help but what if you had a family with him? Do you want kids? If he can't afford much now, then what? Perhaps he can further his education, work 2 jobs, but the situation isn't fair to you as you're not the one with the kid, you need to be equally contribute. Maybe he is leaching off of you? You're young and have the world in your hands, find someone that can give you the fairness and security that you are looking for? Does he fulfill you in every other way? Is he selfish? Look at the big picture here and determine if it's worth saving and only if you thing the situation will improve, before it's your turn to have kids.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Just what's in all this for you? Why are you tolerating this arrangement?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): You got yourself a looser and user. Let him go. Even you talk to him he won't change.ma man who respects himself would never let a woman take care of all bills. If he can't afford to have a relationship then he should stick to raising his child, but no, he want have his cake and it too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): He's your boyfriend, not husband (even then, that doesn't mean you should pay more because you can afford more). His kid is his responsibility and you shouldn't have the fill in his money gaps.
If you let this continue, you would have enabled his behavior. Address the issue and he has no reason to get mad. If he does and uses the same argument (that b/c you don't have a kid, you should contribute more to the household), then he is no good. He needs to get a job if this relationship is to work.
And you said he intentionally stays unemployed? Well then, I don't know what you can see in a person like that.
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Leave him~ It's unfair for you to have to pay towards everything, and especially when you said "He also stays out of work a lot because he says he doesn't enjoy it". who really enjoys their job? If you want to live, you need a job no matter what. If my boyfriend refused to get a job because he couldn't be bothered, i'd dump him, especially if he expected me to pay for everything. It's not your fault he's got a child. If you're not prepared to leave him, i'd suggest moving out into your own place. But i really don't see what he's got to offer for you? I'm sure you can find another guy who won't expect you to pay for everything :)
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