A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:4 years ago when I was 18 I met this guy when we started working together, he was 26 at the time. Our job requires us to work away from home; so we spent quite a lot of time together and became close straight away even though he was in a relationship of 3 years.About a year after, we were working away and after a few drinks we ended up in my hotel room kissing and he told me that he was in love with me. Nothing else happened and we fell asleep, the next morning he told me that he meant everything he said the night before. We carried on doing this kissing and staying in each others rooms but never had sex for maybe another 6 months when he told me that he wants us to be together and that he is breaking up with his gf when he gets home, which he did.At the time I was unsure of my feelings for him and didn't want people to think that I had stole him so I told him that I couldn't do this right now. Fast forward a year, he is back with his gf after I refused to admit that I am actually in love with him. Until one night I finally realised and told him that he is the reason I smile everyday, the reason I am happy and the one person I've let completely get to know me. That night we ended up sleeping together. I know it was selfish and I felt absolutely awful to do that knowing he was in a relationship.Shortly after this his gf told him she was pregnant, then her mum was diagnosed with cancer so they are still together as there hasn't been a right time for him to end his relationship with her even though we are still sleeping together. I believe him when he says that he wants nothing more than to be with me. But I feel like a bad person because I know that his gf is going to be hurt when she finds out. But I cant help but think, is it time for me to let go? Will there ever be a right time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I advise you to walk away because this man is dangerous. Step outside your relationship and look at his actions1. He is capable of cheating while in a relationship2. He is capable of using women just to pass the time even to the point of getting them pregnant3. He is capable of jumping from woman to woman back and forth as the winds change. This means that today he may leave her for you. Next week something may develop with her and he may return to her.What kind of man goes back to someone he dumped just because his first choice rejected him? The kind of man who has no qualms about using women and deceiving them into thinking he actually loves them. He probably didn't tell her the truth that he only returned to her because you had rejected him. He probably told her ie had "realized he loves her after all ". And now he is cheating on her again after getting her pregnant.This could so easily be you in the future if you got with him for real. Someone new might come along and then you will be in the position that his gf is in right now.
A
female
reader, SilverVintage  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 He is telling you in his actions that he doesn't care about you in that way anymore. He went back to his girlfriend and got her pregnant, even though having a child doesn't keep the family together, he choose to stay. After that, you were just expendable to him. You had a chance and lost it, its a desperate attempt to keep trying. Learn from it & move on.
I don't mean to be blunt, but its best not to sugarcoat on an issue this this. If he wanted to be with you, he would have. Nothing is keeping him from you in reality (despite your reluctance in the beginning)... Except his love for her, which made his child. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, true, but he has laid it out already. You are his secret that he is not going to tell about. That is never how its supposed to be. I understand its confusing & hurtful, but you need to find a piece of mind and stop wasting time on guys like him.
If you keep yourself in this situation, you're going to get hurt repeatedly & its not worth it. Guys will tell you anything just to keep you on edge. He sees a weak link in you & is using it to his benefit, don't let him do that. Stop assisting him in his deceptiveness. Be smart and leave him be.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (1 August 2013):
You are going to have a broken heart over and over. You need to stop your relationship with this guy. He is never going to leave the mother of his child. You are kidding yourself! I feel for you but you are assisting him in his excuses of why you are not together RIGHT NOW. Right now will go on for another day, week, month year to possible years!
He is telling you how he conducts himself with his g/f but you are not there. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. Me just might be very loving and caring with her. He is WITH her, he is sleeping with you. You will always be a secret.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (31 July 2013):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. If he really wanted to be with you, he would not have gone back to his first gf.
It sounds like you're star-crossed lovers.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Tell him to look you up when he's single, until then it's no contact. And mean it. I'll bet the stays with his girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): I would not keep beating yourself up about the fact you slept with this guy. You're human. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself.
Here's the thing, though. You DO need to forget this guy. He may be saying (with words) that it's you he wants, and wants to be with, but his actions tell a different story. Who does he acknowledge publicly? Who does he go home to? His girlfriend of 7 years (if I'm doing the math correctly). The mother of his future son or daughter.
I tell you this as someone who has, herself, been a homewrecker. Is a homewrecker, actually, because I'm still with the man who divorced his wife for me. I love him more than anything on this earth, and his feelings for me are the same, but the start of our relationship will never be something I'm proud of. I have forgiven myself (to an extent; some shame you keep forever) because I did not know he was married when I fell for him, and because he left her of his own free will. I never asked him to. I knew better than to listen to what a married man SAID to me, his mistress, but as it turned out his actions and his words told the same story.
What I am trying to say is that if this man truly wanted to be with you, he would take the steps to be with you properly. If he was actually trying to separate from his GF, one would think he'd have taken the steps to not make their ties any stronger by conception of a baby... i.e. contraception, or better yet not sleeping with both of you at the same time.
Unless there's more you haven't told us, it sounds to me like this guy is using you. It's up to you whether you allow it, but in your shoes, I would walk away. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Moragirl +, writes (31 July 2013):
Well, I say since she is pregnant, you are probably going to find yourself in a bad situation. Worse than it already is. This guy, if he cheats on his long time gf. He will cheat on you too. Leave him alone. If it is really meant to be, it will be. Now is the time for you to walk away.Just think of that poor girl. Probably pregnant, happy because of that. She is the one that you should think about. What if that was you? you had the chance to be with him, and you didn't, maybe there is a reason behind that? Good luck!
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