A
female
age
41-50,
*licia
writes:Just to recap:I was in a 3year relationship with a man I loved dearly and with all my heart. However, we fought a lot and he never understood the things I needed and I was always wrong which frustrated me a lot and was always unhappy. He is a great guy and treated me well in other ways but when it came to the things we needed we just never understood each other and ended up fighting. I think we just weren’t compatible. Also he wasn’t employed and he refused to get a job and wanted to start his own business, which until now he is battling to start. Then while I was with him I met another guy and we just clicked and understood each other in many ways. I couldn’t be with him of coarse but I had always wanted to gather up the guts to leave this really hurtful relationship I was in. This new guy really wanted me but for some reason I couldn’t leave my relationship even though I was unhappy. Eventually the first guy and me broke up coz we decided it was for the best. Meanwhile this new guy had sort of moved on and was dating someone else. One day I asked if he was single and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said yes and we started a relationship. Alas after only three months into the relationship while we were planning our lives together he tells me the girl he was dating was pregnant with his baby. He left me and I was still friends with the first guy so he asked me if we cant get back together again. I told me we should wait and I needed some space to just sort myself out. I also did it so that maybe this time he would get his finances in order but he is still barely making ends meet. Anyway I am in another country now but we keep in touch. I’m not sure that I want to go into that routine of sadness and not understanding each otha anymore. Then guy number three shows up. I met him when I went out for drinks. We understand each other in many ways and are also similar. We have a lot of fun when we are together. He wants to go out with me but I am skeptical of guys because of what happened with the baby momma guy. I really like him but he hardly ever calls unless I call him and he chooses when he gets to speak to me and I have so much baggage so when I try talk about it he tells me I am giving too many details an he just wants to have fun. If I don’t heal I wont be able to move forward so I told him to wait a while because I need to decide what I want. I keep wondering each day if he will give me what I need. What is your opinion on the issue? Should I stick to the guy I first went out with or break up with him because I will not be going back to complete happiness or take my chances with this completely new man who seems to want me but doesn’t want to help me through my difficult times? Or should I just leave all of them and start afresh? I am confused please help?I am so scared to fall in love as well coz i think it will hurt coz i gave my self completely to this guy who made another girl pregnant and look where that got me.My question is:Guy number three has stopped contacting me except for the occasional text message or email. I told him i wanted a little space to think about things before i start dating him and to get over my past relationship so that i get into a relationship with him with a clear mind. Now when i text him he doesnt reply or when i phone he doesnt pick up. Should i continue contacting him or just assume that he has given up on me? Because he said he would wait for me but from the way he is acting i'm not sure. Am i just being paranoid? What should i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): aw bless, you are so confused. i think guy number three you should have the fun with this one, nothing serious yet if he sees you can have fun aswell as having problems maybe he will start to understand. how ever guy number 1 is not worth your time my girl. forget about guy number 2, move on from him. jus have some fun and give your self time to see what and who makes you happy and can accept you for who you are
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Hey Alicia...
That sure is complicated! When relationships are not working, they are not working, if they are beginning or if you have given three years into it, they are not working.
Now. The first guy; I believe you've tried everything you could there, I also believe you have already moved on and you just go back because you don't like being alone (happens to all of us). Not being alone is not a reason to be in a relationship.
The second guy... obviously gone for good. He did the right thing by trying to provide a household for his baby. But he moved on and you need to move from there too. He is just nor a possibility.
The third guy... if he doesn't want to deal with what you need to talk about, what kind of a relationship you think he wants? I don't think wanting to talk about past experiences with a new partner is bad and I definetely don't think you are making drama out of it. The truth is if you wanted to share your life together he has to be able to listened and help in good and bad times. If he is not even calling or picking up the calls, he is letting you know how much he cares for you!
My suggestion, start fresh! Take some time off. Learn to enjoy being just with yourself, in the long run that is the only really long term relationship you will have. When you feel ready and have let the past where it belongs, go out and have some fun! Choose carefully!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 I think you need to forget them all take a break and find someone who will love and respect you and treat you the way you deserve, take some time out for yourself dont wait for things to happen just know that in time everything will work out
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A
female
reader, LULU'S Advice +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Dear Alicia,you sound so confused my love.The best advice I could give you is to first of all sort out in your own mind exactly what YOU want from a relationship.Until you know that you won't find the one man who is right for you.Guy three worries me in that he seems to be the one in control,or wants to be.Guy two has a baby with some one else,how would you handle that.Guy one seems as though he doesn't really know what he wants but needs you to fall back on.I think some time on your own,to do what you want when you want is what you need.Pamper yourself a little,get together with some girlfriends and let your hair down a little.Mr right is out there and he will be along when you least expect it.Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (4 December 2007):
 My advice is this. Stay out of a relationship until you have healed. There is no point in getting yourself hurt or hurting someone else for that matter.
You cant fall in love until you are ready for it, no matter how much you want to. So you could never be happy with any of these guys until you have fully healed, so dont waist their time or yours. Just go out, have fun and dont "look" for love! It will happen when its supposed to!!!
This third guy seems to be a waist of space. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would answer your calls or texts and be there for you when you need him. Dont bother calling this guy or having any contact with him. It might just bring back a lot of memories for you going out with him so soon after all this. Give yourself time to heal!!!
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (4 December 2007):
Hi Alicia,
Wow, things sure got a bit tangled up for you for a while. I suggest that you stop for a moment to consider a few things.
Guy number 1, the factors that make up a hurtful relationship rarely change on a second try. I know because I have been there. So with this guy you really do need to put him behind you. As for being always wrong, balderdash. That is statistically improbable. One person can never always be right and the other always wrong. Of course in a normal relationship it is often not worth contesting a minor point but on the more important ones, if you are convinced you are right - then don't accept alternatives. Keep you chin up on this past relationship because I would lay odds that you were right far more often than you realised.
Guy number 2, now with this one I am not sure of the time gap that took place while you and Guy 1 were still together before you split with Guy 1. Clearly it was a while because he got with another woman and she became pregnant. Given that you are now in different countries and his parental responsibilities you should probably let that one go. He now knows you are a free agent and if he really wants to be with you he will do the running.
Guy number 3, sounds like he was interested in something uncomplicated and entertaining. Not the depth you would want from a full on supportive relationship. As he is not responsive to your texts and phone calls, colour him gone girl, he ain't the one for you.
So where does this leave you right now. Alone - yes. With some baggage - yes. Open opportunities - yes. So how to deal. You clearly are a woman who needs what every normal person needs, and that is a good relationship. But don't get your panties all twisted trying to fix everything at once. You say you want to go into a relationship without baggage. Good thinking, difficult biut good.
Consider the following strategy:
a) You know that your baggage is behind you when you no longer need to talk about it and if you do there are no more feelings of bitterness or worse.
b) Find something, a hobby, study, anything other than another job, maybe volunteer work, to occupy spare moments. It will add depth to your life and interest for both you and any guys that you subsequently meet.
c) Make sure that you do not turn into a wall flower. Get out and socialise (but don't overdo the alcohol). Make sure that you spend time with people socialising and just having a good time whether it is playing pool, watching sport on a big screen TV at the pub, or joining a club of some sort. Do not go over board with clubbing. Your socialising needs to be where it is possible to talk and have a conversation and not shout to be heard.
d) Examine your style, how do you do your hair, your clothes? Are you presenting the kind of image that could interest the kind of guy you want to meet? Don't make big changes but small ones and make sure they are not temporary.
e) After a while you will feel more comfortable with your own company and with your new life as a single woman. When that happens is the right time to start looking around and taking stock of the guys you now know. Your baggage is managed and not intrusive, you are more interesting in yourself, you are happier with who you are. As a result of all this you will see more clearly and should be a bit better at telling the players from the keepers.
Some guidance for when you do meet a guy that really interests you. First of all, make a short list of those characteristics that you cannot possibly live with, such as violence, maybe a personal habit that really upsets you, whatever. Then promise yourself that if you meet a guy and it turns out he has one of these traits, run.... run like hell. Just to protect yourself. A short list like this is easier to remember than a shopping list of desires and it will still leave you open to all those good things you did not think of.
A genuine guy will be interested in you, will want to share your time doing things you like to do as well as wanting you to share some of the things he likes to do. He will be upfront about previous relationships but may not tell you all until you have known each other for a while.
Don't get hung up on his history unless it is a show stopper. Remember that you have baggage you are leaving behind as well and give him the same chances you want him to give you.
Don't let your passions blind you to getting to know him. It might be very enjoyable to jump into bed the moment you can, but does he have some self control, do you know enough about him to be sure he does not have the cannot live with traits we talked about before? As humans we are fallible and often ruled by our sexual drives. You want to know enough about him before going all the way and if he is genuine so will he want to know about you.
Above all else, be honest and communicate.
The above I have had to learn the hard way, but the journey is worth it. Just take some time out, now and again, to smell the flowers.
Good luck !!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): I think that you need a little longer to be on your own. Look after yourself. I went through a similar situation and found that i needed time to myself to find out who i really was and what i really wanted in life. Once you are comfortable with who you are and what you want then the rest will follow and you will find someone with no skeletons in the closet , who really wants to be with you. I have now been in a lasting loving realtionship for 5 years and we now live together. If these guys can't make up their minds what they want then do it for them. Forget them and move on, there will be someone out there for you who will give you the respect and love that you deserve
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