A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Any insight as to what is going on in this guy's head would be fantastic. I'm pretty confused. In early April, I was an active member on a dating site. A guy messaged me and we began chatting rather frequently. After a few weeks of messaging back and forth and IM'ing, he asked for my phone number. We became avid texters. He texted me nearly everyday, asking me questions about myself, getting to know me, and then of course just having casual conversation, e.g. "Hey, how are you?". Needless to say, he seemed pretty interested and we seemed to get along well. He would flirt with me and initiate boat loads of conversation. Eventually, he began asking if we could meet. He was rather enthusiastic about it, too. Finally, I agreed in late May to meet him. So, we met at a coffee shop near a mall. We chatted for a couple of hours. Conversation was okay. We both seemed a little nervous and reserved, but other than that it wasn't horrible. We then moved on to the mall and walked around for another couple of hours, discussing all sorts of things. We made it back to his car in the coffee shop parking lot and, instead of immediately leaving, he sat where he was in the passenger seat of my car, seemingly comfortable and began opening up more, and we talked for another few hours. By the end of the date, we were having what I thought was a good time, laughing and enjoying each other's company. I felt slight chemistry. Our date began at 2:00 and we parted at 8:30, only because we lived an hour apart and both had drives to make with work to go to the next day. I left the date feeling relatively good. I was a little awkward and quiet at first, but by the end of it I felt like I was open and funny. He hugged me and said he would like to hang out again and that it was great meeting me. The next day, I sent him a quick "thank you" text and alluded to wanting to make more plans in the future. He told me he had a great time and we had usual casual conversation about our day's events. The following day he texted me and began even more casual conversation. Everything seemed fine and normal. Then there was a lapse in communication for a few days. I ended up contacting him and we talked as we usually did, very friendly and relatively flirtatious. A few days from that point, nearing the weekend, I decided I wanted another date with him. I texted him asking if he might want to make some plans for the upcoming weekend. I received no response. My Droid phone has been on the fritz (legitimate problems. People call me and I never receive their calls. People sometimes don't get my texts. My phone has problems sending texts occasionally. It sucks. I wasn't being desperate or annoying). So, I wondered if he got my message. The next day, I asked if he got my message. He said no. I asked again and received no response. From there, I concluded I was being ignored. I was confused and irritated, but I kept dating others and moved on, totally forgetting this guy who I shall call John. A couple weeks later in early June, I met my current boyfriend, Ben (names are changed lol), and we began dating. Now, we are getting serious and I have never been happier. It is a great relationship. So, Ben and I have been seeing one another for one month exclusively. We dated casually for a month before that. After my second date with Ben within the second week of dating him casually, I deleted John from my Facebook friends because I knew I was ignored and didnt feel like keeping contact with him since he had been so hot and cold. I felt that Ben was really promising and that we had so much chemistry. I couldn't care less about John. Ben and I of course have become Facebook official and it is viewable on my profile, even if you aren't on my friends.Three days ago, John messaged me on Facebook: "Damn, I'm sorry." I was irritated and confused immediately. I wrote him back: "For what? You seemingly ignored me and I figured you weren't interested. So, what?" Tonight, he wrote me back: "Yeah, but I felt we really clicked. I had a really great time when we hung out, but I did ignore you and I'm sorry." WTF? Obviously, I don't want to have anything to do with John. I love Ben, but I still wouldn't mind if someone could explain what exactly could possibly be going on in John's head. Like I said, I felt John and I's date had went well. So, I was a little confused when he started ignoring me, but to contact me months after in some weak attempt to apologize and rekindle whatever was there after one date? Wtf? What in the hell does this mean? He must have noticed I deleted him. So, that means he had to search for me on Facebook and look for me. He had to look at my profile for the message button, upon my profile he could clearly see I am "In a Relationship with Ben BlahBlahBlah." Then he had to consciously write his message and send it. What in the world is he thinking/doing? I did write him back tonight. I wrote: "So, we clicked and you had a really great time, but you ignored me? I'm sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense, John. Feel free to explain the logic in that. Also, I have a boyfriend now. Not to be a total b!tch, but I suppose you shouldn't have ignored me." lol, rude much?If anyone can decode this guy's message or thinking, I would appreciate it highly. Thank you!!!!! :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks girls. Everything you all said makes total sense and sheds a little light on the situation. He was interested enough to keep me in the back of his mind and was "testing the waters" with other gals. He waited around and played his game. He didn't hear from me and eventually became curious. Then perhaps seeing I had moved on to someone sparked a little desire for competition or even jealosusy. Makes total sense.
Oh, and I did meet Ben through the very same site. So, while I agree that there are a million "time passing" jerk offs on those sites (I've been on dates with several of them, obviously, lol), there are the occasional winners, legitimately looking to find girlfriends and love. There is a slight glimmer of hope in the online dating world! Haha :-) Thanks again!!!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 July 2011):
 he was not prepared to take it further when he had the chance. In fact he may have even decided to play it cool, until he had confirmation that you were really interested enough to make it easier for him to make a connection, when it suited him. He played a 'waiting game' too long.
He knew you were not in a relationship. So he thought he had all the time in the world.
But he waited too long.
So he got curious, went looking, and found you had already connected with a new guy.
To some guys you suddenly become more desirable when you have been 'noticed' as desirable by someone else.
When more than two buyers are interested at an auction suddenly the item appears to become more valuable.
Same with people.
When a girl is already popular the other more cautious guys sit up and notice.
She can be the most lovely girl, but if no one else has already shown interest then a guy like John might sit home trying to work out what might be the 'negatives' he missed.
Now 'John' is regretting his caution.
Whereas your 'Ben' noticed a really nice girl (you) and did not hesitate.
So the best man won. A telling lesson to guys who wait too cautiously before showing their hand.
'John' should have trusted his judgement when he had the chance. He lost you.
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A
female
reader, ayeshaH  +, writes (23 July 2011):
hii :)
im glad u found someone new. ben sounds like a great guy.
iv been through a similar situation as u.
i also recently met a guy online who suddenly stopped talking to me after constant texting and chatting.
i think cindy cares is absoulutlely right. for every ben u can meet 20 johns. there are a lot of non caring guys on dating sites just out for a bit of fun and to pass the time.
but just tell yourself that u have found a great loving guy now and that you are very lucky.
hope my answer reassures you a little :)
wish you the best with ben
Ayesha
xx
ps it would be lovely if you could answer mine too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2011):
 Honey, you met him on a dating site. Now, I've got nothing against dating sites and I don't believe they only host perverts and lunatics, but I think girls your age have misconceptions about how they work. Most people, regardless of what they say, don't go there with a laser concentration on finding their twin soul. Or even a relationship. They do it to kill time, test the waters , "see what happens ", "see what's out there". John may have been in touch , before and after you, with dozens of other girls. For a while you struck his fancy and he devoted you quite some time,- then the date went well, but not famously well. Let's say, a B - ? Surely, after that, he wanted to see if he could get an A, or simply keep tasting from the buffet, a bit of this a bit of that. Never really crossing you off his list ,in his mind , people like to keep their options open, and most of all like to know they DO have options if they want. Maybe he saw about you and Ben and that spurred his competition spirit, or maybe it was just a coincidence and he was getting in touch with you anyway to check your availability, just in case.
Anyway, John's is pretty standard behaviour for dating sites, and the reason, I guess, why after a while sensible people gets fed up with them, LOL.
Which does not mean you can't EVER find true romance through dating sites, in fact you can ( so if this is how you and Ben met, don't worry :). Just ,for every shot at real connection you get, you get maybe twenty John type of guys.
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