A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice, I am totally devastated. I have recently tried to reconcile with my husband after being apart for only 2 weeks. He's a heavy drinker which makes his personality very unpredictable and usually hard to deal with. He begged and pleaded for me to go back to him stating that he's changed and he can't live without me. I gave it a try and for two days he was wonderful. Day 3 he started with the bitter attitude, nagging and questioning me constantly. Yes he was drinking again and that's what he blamed it on. This morning I was getting ready for work and I noticed a little baggie out of the corner of my eye. I picked it up to find out that it was crack cocaine. There was a point in our relationship (1 year ago) when I knew that he was messing around with it, in fact he got me to do it a couple of times. But when I saw how he became addicted so fast and our money deplinished I told him it had to stop. As a matter of fact I had left him 2 times because of it. As far as I knew or could tell he stopped messing with it. When I left him this time around it was for the way he began treating me. He became very insecure when I changed jobs and had a bitter attitude every day when I came home. He just treated me like crap on a daily basis and even got physical a few times, then the next day he's all apologies. I couldn't take it anymore. He knows how I feel about the crack and even though we were separated he knows that if I found out he was messing with it again that there would be no reconcilliation. I confronted him on the phone about my findings and he totally denied it! He blamed it on a friend that was over while I was gone. He even had the guy call me to confess. I told him I knew he was covering for my husband and in the end he admitted that he doesn't mess with that stuff. My husband is still deneying it and I don't know what to do. Any advice please!?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the great advice!
A
male
reader, DrCynic +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Drinker and Narcotic user?... Read this very carefully: LEAVE!!!! FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!!!!
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Two problems here.
The first and obvious one is your husband. He has multiple addictions (alcohol and drugs) and as long as he is not willing to get the help he needs and get clean and sober there is nothing in the world that will make that happen. There is literally NOTHING you can do about it. It has to come from within him. He has to find his own "bottom" in his own way.
The second problem, though, is YOU. The people who live with this kind of a person have unique problems all their own that they have to learn how to cope with. They need help every bit as much as their addicted loved ones do. And it might be just as hard for you to admit that you have a problem and need to get help as it is for your husband to admit that and get help. There are many different ways to go about this, but one of the best is a program called AlAnon, which is based on the program run by Alcoholics Anonymous. They have meetings in just about every town of any size in the US. I urge you to look them up and try a meeting. They are free (although they do "pass the hat" for donations to pay for the meeting room and such) and can be of tremendous help. At least you'll know that you're not the only one in your situation.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Sounds like he has at the least a drinking problem, let alone a possible drug addiction. Drink and drugs make poor liars, and even worse partners.
Dont let him make you suffer with him. You love him, but if he is not helping himself what can you do?
This is up to him to deal with. You cant stop his drinking/drug addiction, only he can and he has to decide to do that himself.
If he is not ready for that then there is surely only one answer. leave him. Blaming the drink on physical violence is no excuse. That is totally unacceptable.
You can only support him through this, if he wants to give it up. To me it sounds like you have been giving him enough chances to really think about things, yet he still continues to drink.
Staying with him while he continues is only going to help him sustain his habit. You need to think carefully if your love for him is worth the abuse and neglet you are recieving.
This is about your happiness now, not his.
Goodluck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): leave him..for good!!..a relationship is a 2 way thing and he is not showing you any affection, and if he has got physical before wots 2 say he wont again??..its obious this relationship wont work as you mention the consantant leaving and coming back. it may be the drink or crack putting him in this mood but do you want to be in a position where you have to deal with his probelm? this must be hard but you have 2 put yourself first because at the moment what are you getting out of this relationship?!?
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