A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for 5 years; we met in a chat room online. We were both married at the time he was seeing lots of other women didnt realise how much until now 24 in the first year we were together and i was one of them. I divorced my husband and my partner and i would see each other every other weekend as he lived 200 miles away from me. I had an idea he was seeing other women but didnt want to confront him with it, when i did he said it was his life and if i didnt like i knew what to do about it, anyway to cut a long story short, he played me told me how he felt then called it off and he did this a few times. I would breakdown tell him i loved him till i couldnt take anymore i had a huge panic attack and an ambulance was called, he said he was sorry told me he wanted to be with me and said he would move in with me BUT then he went home rang me and told me that he couldnt do it and wanted to call it a day, i was so upset and very angry he was no longer number one for me and i put up huge barriers and tried blocking him out of my life, so much so i slept with someone else and he found out about it. He told me how much he loved me and that he would do anything to be with me, i fell hook line and sinker and moved myself and my kids away to be with him in his home. He couldnt handle what had happened with this other guy constantly questioned me every single day for 18 months i lost two stone and went down to a size 6/8 i kept lying to him cos i was afraid to tell him the truth. Everytime we spoke about it he would hit me push me around or call me names, humiliate me ask me to undress for him and then tell me im a slag i had enough and left while he was working thought it was the best for everyones sake. I stayed with my family but he found me told me he was sorry and that he was receiving councilling for his anger and that he wanted to try again i was petrified of him but still loved him, while i was away from him i slept the same guy again i listened to everything my partner said and he reeled me back in. We got our own place together near my family everything was ok for a month then he started questioning again, told him i wasnt doing it again he agreed and all calmed down then i fell pregnant he said things will be different now but they werent he was abusing me while i was pregnant mentally and is still doing it. My baby is now 6 months old im a lot stronger now i love my partner a lot but im afraid he cant change i dont want my baby growing up around this but at the same time i love my partner. He accuses me all the time of seeing this guy or speaking to him i dont go out on my own and if i do my eldest son always goes with me i feel suffocated, ive lost my best friend because of him and my family. I dont know what to do please can you help with some advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 March 2008):
Your family and friends will not have abandoned you.
Next time he goes to work, pack up and get out. Go home to your family. Tell them you realise you have made a mistake.
This man has problems and do you really want your children growing up around him? He's getting back into old patterns of mental abuse and it will only be a matter of time before he hits you again.
Get out for your own sake and then the hard part. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. He may get councilling, he may say he's changed, he may shower you with gifts.
Do not fall for it. Tell him to go away and get proper help and sort his life out. He needs to help you financially with his child and prove he is worthy of being a dad to the kids.
Your children are your first priority and finding a stable loving home for them is what you should be aiming for now.
One you are at your families house you can get help from plenty of organisations to find a place of your own and set up as a successful single parent.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (12 March 2008):
 Sweetheart a leopard never changes it spots, this man is a control freak and although he could see or speak to other women you weren't meant to be around other men, very one sider I'm afraid.
Don't subject your children to this any more, you need to get strong and you need to get you and your children to safety as he will always think he can push you around and wants to control your life.
Get support from your family and seek help through Relate or someone similar, you don't have to put up with this, I know you say you love him but how can a man who says he loves you treat you this way, it isn't love it is having power over you and that is no sort of relationship.
Relationships are meant to be happy and content and from what you are saying your relationship is far from that.
Your youngest child is young enough to have no lasting effect on but what about your other children, the longer you stay the worse the effect will be on them, possibly for the rest of their lives as your older son may think it is fine to treat women this way, you wouldn't want your son treating a woman the same way your partner does with you would you?
Relate could possibly put you in touch with counsellors who can help you but the real thing here is to get him out of your life, either he moves out or you do. Get planning your route out though, only you can do this and only if you truly want to.
Love should not be about controlling the person in your life and humiliating them, if he has had counselling it hasn't worked has it and did he actually go or did he just say he did?
Once a liar, always a liar.
You are much better than this man, you are a woman who has brought children into this world and us women are stronger than men give us credit for, we cope with so much and we will fight tooth and nail for our children, find that fire in your belly and stay being taking for granted, get angry and get stronger in your mind and body.
You could be feeling postnatal as well and he is playing on that, get yourself to your doctor as well and get him/her on side as you could be coping with things when all you need is extra medical help. Don't feel embarrassed, we all need help from time to time, believe me.
Just start making a plan and deciding what you want out of life and not putting his needs first. He is obviously a good talker and also can talk you round, don't let him anymore, you deserve so much better than what you are getting with this man.
I know that there are so many other men out there who would treat you so much better than what you have right now, he is the fool not you. He got to you when you felt vunerable.
Just let your family in on how you are being treated and get your friends to help you stay strong as well and change your life for the better, you can do it honest!!
Get active now and don't put it off OK, just don't let him know what you are planning as he will play more mind games on you, trust me I know I was in a controlling relationship for a long time.
It does get better really.
Always here anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, Rak  +, writes (12 March 2008):
I would say the only thing to do is to do what you know is right. That may sound like a pretty generic answer, but what's right isn't always what's easy. Think about it. For the well being of your children, and yourself, what should you do? Your family will always love you, and your children, unconditionally. What I think, and yeah, I'm inexperienced, is that no matter how much you love this guy, a true lover would never hurt you so much, on purpose. I see here two white and black options.
White Option: Leave him. Return to your family, and appreciate the support they give you. At first it will be hard to be without him, and your family most likely won't be very happy with you, but they still love you, and will help you.
Black Option: Stay with this guy, risking the Mental Health and physical well being of your children, with the possibility of life-long problems. Risk him leaving again, or going on a paranoid domestic-abusing rampage. As well as fostering your own personal underdevelopment in this relationship. If you aren't happy, then it isn't working.
If you've tried to fix it, and you still are over-all generally unhappy, then it won't be fixed. I say, for the sake of your children and yourself, go home. Or at least get away.
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