A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have written for advises on this site but I never get enough. I always come back for more as I am still as depressed as ever. Somehow, the advises seemed not enough.I will try to make it as short and as accurate as ever. I have been with a muslim bf for a year. At first I didn't like him at all but because I was alone and life was unbearably lonely here in the Mideast (as an expat), I accepted him. But we both know we can't end up in marriage as I am a christian. We decided we will keep each other some company.I know I don't love him and he knows it too. Every month, I would think of leaving him and always announced it to my friends. But he was so good to me, he showed how much he loved me, was there when i needed a driver, a friend, always called to check how I am doing, gave me the most practical advises and always told me he was worried about my future and wanted and gave the best for me. He treated me like a little girl, really. Many times he would convince me to marry him but I always told him to be practical and that I can't imagine being a muslim for him and have muslim children. I love being a christian.Exactly a year after being together, I discovered he was starting to see another girl who lives in the next city. I was devastated and it was then that i realized how much I loved him. A few days i didn't talk to him and he apologized too much. Even at 3am, I would get messages from him saying he can't sleep. He said I mean the world to him. We talked and he told me he had done it coz he felt so unloved by me. That I was not proud of him and always told him things that made him insecure. I admit I wasn't the best gf. And this new girl was exactly my opposite. The girl loves him but he said he loves me more. I asked him to leave her but he said he doesn't want to hurt her very abruptly.I gave him time to break up with her. But we acted like nothing happened and we even had plans. Yet while waiting I tried dating a guy who's been courting me since before I met him. He knows about him and he hates him so much. This one pissed him off and he said, i have become worst and hopeless. He accused me that i was planning to leave him all along. So we broke up and he continued to date the new girl.We cut off all communication. The first month it was successful. Second month, we started to contact each other again twice a wk. My reasons are important. But his reasons were more emotional but senseless like asking me about my personal life with messages that come early in the morning. I told him I had plans to get into a new relationship soon. And he protested saying I am only going to hurt myself again if I choose someone like him who I can't marry. He said I should use my head in choosing.Shortly after that, he went to my house and begged me to come out to talk to him. He called me like crazy until I agreed to see him. He explained himself during that meeting. He said he missed me so much and that life for him was a hell since I left. He was depressed, no social life, had bad lucks here and there. He broke up with the new girl just a month after I left. And he said he had been aching to talk to me since I left but had no guts to do it.We apologized to one another. A day after that I realized I would rather be with him then start with someone else. He said he needed to think. I didn't stop bugging him for answers. He asked me to understand him. He said he'd been starting to pray and wanted to be a true muslim this time. He wanted to straighten his life and realized that it was a bad idea to come back to me. He has a future and believes that he has to start fixing his life just like what his family had wanted him to. He he had disappointed them by having me and lived a careless life. Bf/gf relation in Islam is not allowed. This he will do for his future and to follow God's commandments. And he asked me to do the same in my life. To find a man who will marry me and give me a good life. He said we should control ourselves and this is for our own good to act on it now then in the future. He can't afford to hurt me again. His cousins had reminded him about this when they learned he saw me again.Well, I know he has all the good reasons. But still I am depressed. The last time I contacted him, he said we should really stop communicating to recover fast. I can't but I still followed his wish.Two days ago, I deleted him on MSN and tried to add him again but he didn't accept. So I sent him an email saying its up to him if he doesn't want to add me anymore. I realized I should move on with my life and instead support him in his decision. I can't compete with God and I know this is God's way of teaching us a lesson. God wants the best for us and religion-based, we can't be for each other.Just yesterday, I got a request to add him on my MSN list. And for this, I am quite happy...i feel this is a little way for him to say that he still thinks of me.Any additional advise would be welcome. I still love him and I still am depressed. I know he is right but I still want your opinions.
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broke up, christian, cousin, depressed, insecure, move on, msn, muslim, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Honey the reason you're not getting advice that fulfills your needs is because there are not magic words we can give you; there's nothing we can say that will make you stop missing him; nothing to change the way you feel; nothing to make you stop thinking of him. We really can't. We can only assure you that eventually it WILL be easier. You have hopefuly a good 70 years left of life and i highly doubt that on your heathbed as a really old woman, you will still be depressed about this one man. All you can do it wait through it because YES, you CAN wait for the day that you wake up and don't think of him. It will come honey I promise. Time is really the answer you're truely looking for. Time is the only thing that can give you what you want, heal you, encourage you, motivate you.. But all I can do is tell you that tiem is here for you.. it's patient and kind and unaltering so always dependable. Don't look so much to other people to make you happy. Look to yourself to keep you occupied and surrounded by positive things that will make every moment a little easier. Goodluck.
~Sy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): We wont forget the people but the pain becomes easier to handle. Time heals all wounds.
Good Luck to you, I hope things work out and u will have a brighter future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Uncle Frank and JasonX for the replies.
Really, I wish I could turn back the time to that day when I said to him I wanted us to be just friends. Coz I was not attracted to him but I like talking to him though and I like going out of the house as I don't have an outlet. But he reacted to me saying he doesn't need a friend and doesn't believe in friendship between a man and a woman without romantic feelings involved. (He was also naive in relationships and I was his first serious girlfriend)
I wish I had said no to him. I admit I am a stupid girl for thinking that if we end our relationship later, that it would be easy to walk away. I was a fool to not think that my feelings might change and after a year, that i would no longer be the same person who didn't like him. Because I ended up loving him.
We were both fools. Sometimes I just regret it actually.
Actually I feel ok now but I still think about him 24/7. I can't wait for the day I would wake up and not think about him anymore.
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male
reader, uncle Frank  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Dear depressed girl who doesn't want to give up.
I would very much answer you, but I would like first that you answer these questions of mine, please.
I too am a Christian, and I will answer you from that platform and with the experience of a Bible teacher, a languages teacher (learning languages I had to learn about people and civilizations and therefore the different ways of thinking ...) I have two married daughters with children and two adopted little girls of 12 and 10.
I could be your grandfather or at least your father.
This is the heart that is going to talk to you if you contact me via 'Dear Cupid'- uncle Frank.
Questions.
1. have you had sex with him?
2. what Muslim is he? Shiad, Sunny,what?
3. What kind of 'Christian' are you and which 'Church' or 'Denomination' do you frequent.
4. What kind of 'expatriate' are you?
You say the advise you got in the past are not sufficient for you. It means also the you have already written, as you hint, a few times, possibly to this site.
OK: Write to me please and I will write to you.
Ciao for now.
uncle Frank
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): I am sure in his experiencing of pain of losing his closest love, he chose to believe in his religion, family and God to help heal himself...an understandable path.
You must chose your own path to heal yourself and he is right that less or no contact at all is better, to be able to move on. I know he still loves you else he would have never begged for your forgiveness when he was seeing another girl, or when he still contacted you to see how you were going, or when he called you out of your house to talk to you. It is a shame you both didn't admit to each other when he began seeing another girl...but I won't go into that. What's done is done.
I am sorry that things have not worked out despite loving each other. And with his new belief, I don't think it makes sense to hope for a relationship from him if you still do. Being depressed is normal, getting over someone takes time. Accepting that it is over is a step in the right direction. Don't wish for things to be different from what they are. Reliving the pain of your life is a choice you make yourself, you drag 'unresolved issues' from the past into the present only to relive them again. Often enough because you cannot understand or accept what happened, and hope that this endless series of reliving it, will somehow lead to some form of understanding or acceptance in the future. Bring your awareness into NOW and stay there as much as possible. The past is over, the future is not yet. Be present in the Present and deal with what you find thére.
Good luck to you, hope you find your own path.
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