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female
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*ikkihelprequest
writes: Do I really know my husband? He promised to stop viewing fat porn but I've found even more on his PC.I've viewed other similar posts and I understand that men and women view sex and arousal differently but this is now the third time I find myself trying search advice sites looking for reasurance that this happens to everyone and it'll all be alright in the end. But I feel so sad this time I keep crying and can't seem to get it out of my head. We're now married, just a year and I thought this was behind us and now I feel like I've lost the warmest and most intimate part of our relationship. It's changed the whole way I feel about my husband and I question whether I'll ever get back the trust. We don't seem to be able to talk about it, he knows how much it is hurting me - we've been here before but it's much worse this time as he's obviously lied - I wake up in tears but I tried to suggest to him last night that we go to counselling and he actually started to fall aseep in front of me so I just turned over and turned out the light (he did fall asleep). He seems to think if he ignores it it'll just go away and that the issue is mine, for me to somehow get us through this.The first time it was just a few magazines 'plumpers' in his sock drawer and he told me it was because he likes big boobs but not artifical ones and that the big girls were just more natural. After we'd talked I didn't mind at all about this. it was funny and I actually preferred that he was choosing real women I guess rather than silicone barbie dolls plus I thought he's been honest. I know he's a 'breast man' he doesn't push it at me or anything but I do have small boobs and am tall and athletic and as I have a very phsyical job riding horses I have more muscle than flab. Anyway I told him to get rid of them and he did.Next thing I found a lot of e-mails and images on the net. This was a bigger bust up because he had lied and said he didn't need it etc but he promised to get rid of it as it was less important than hurting me. This was before we were engaged. Now I've found more, it's exclusively fat women and I only found it as our new computer had been saving all pictures viewed (he hadn't downloaded them but there were more images than there was of horse stuff on e-bay and I know how much time I spend on ebay so it's not insignificant. Now I guess I'm sad becaause I know he's been doing it all along even though he knows how much it hurts me. It's obviously more important to him than I thought. I just don't feel wanted at all. We had a good sex life, I'm not a prude, in fact loving my husband has shown me how uninhibited i can be when I trust and feel really safe with someone. Now I don't think we'll ever get that back and I feel I've lost my husband. I'm nothing like these women and now I wish they WERE barbies as that would be more 'normal' guy behaviour. I know every post so far has advicsed people not to compare themselves with the porn models. How ironic that I've actually got more in common with the average bloody porn model than I have with the women my husband seems to get off on.Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): Mr CRS698. you make the following comments to the OP which seem to me a little unusual
'Hi Nikki, This must seem like a terrible situation for you to be in. It sounds like you're not your husbands type at all, if he's looking at that kind of porn. It fact if hes happy with you at all he shouldn't (and wouldn't) be into that kind of thing at all(unless you were both into it together)'
So clearly you would say to any woman whos husband looks at 20yr old thin blondes that she is cleary not her husbands type if she is brunette , 30+ and has his 6 children????? Yes????
If not why is that any different?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): You say, 'I wish they WERE barbies as that would be more 'normal' guy behaviour. I know every post so far has advicsed people not to compare themselves with the porn models. How ironic that I've actually got more in common with the average bloody porn model than I have with the women my husband seems to get off on.'
Actually I would argue that your husband is probably MORE in touch with his own sexuality and more NORMAL than you think. The onlly reason most men look at stick thin bimbos is because they have been conditioned by sociaety to think this is whats beautiful (unfortunately boys are initiated into this type of judging of women early in life. It seems your husband has rejected this brainwashing and gone with his own sexuality and ideas on what beauty is.So in that way I think he is better adjusted.
I understand your hurt cause you feel they are diffferent to you but what people say to others applies in your situation too. His porn viewing has NOTHING to do with you. It is an addiction. He does it to fill a deep neediness within and self esteem issues more than likely. The fact that the women are large really has nothing to do with the addiction. All it tells you is that this is his concept of feminine beauty. So your really in the same position as any woman who's husband likes 'mainstream porn that she feels dont fit her body image. Think of it this way, most of the fat women have stretch marks and sags. Once you have kids (if you havenet already) and get older at least you'll know your getting closer to his image of female beauty, unlike the rest of us who move further from our husband ideals with each year and baby. In the meantime counselling is an excellent option.
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A
female
reader, nikkihelprequest +, writes (18 September 2006):
nikkihelprequest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the advice. We're going to go to relate. He said he'd go to sessions too on his own which I think would be good as well as to be honest I think he needs to talk to someone openly (without me there) about why he likes this particular kind of porn and whether or not it means there is a complete underlying mismatch between his personal sexual taste and me. I'm hoping it's more that he's just succommed to the convenience of arrousal being a click away on the net and that over time (he is looking at it at least twice a week he told me) it is just replacing the intimacy in our relationship which is why he's getting lazy (chips and pizza is easier than cooking meals too but you end up unhealthy, depressed and lazy just the same). I do think we can get through this, we've had a long talk tonight, maybe I'm naive, mr CRS698 but I am hoping it's not irreconcileable in terms of the phsyical difference between reality and fantasy. I know I have imagined erotic scenarios involving men that I certainly wouldn't want to be married to so maybe the fantasy and the wife don't have to be in the same ballpark for the marriage to work. Anyway he seems very willing to go to couples counselling. I guess I'm just sad that it's come to this as now it feels that it's somehow a messed up relationship when before I felt everything was natural and good.
Thankyou for your advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): The porn debate continues.
Whilst I do not condone porn, every man comes across it and will adopt one of 3 attitudes:
1) discovery guy: who goes through a phase of looking at everything and anything, realizes porn is either far from the truth or not for him, and moves on (this phase actually can be in older guys if they have not been part of the internet revolution or had a religious upbringing etc and may therefore overlap into the first years of a marriage),
2) curiosity/ variety guy: unfortunately, variety is the spice of life and most guys enjoy variety and on-line visual erotica may be one lazy answer to this; this may be your husband and includes many young computer literate men some of whom will be married. It is not for me to defend these guys - maybe it is impossible, but their relationships are certainly not doomed. Internet usage, whilst moderate, declines as time goes on; all porn is all just a variation on a theme, and once you've seen all the orifices in their various guises, it loses its, well, variety!
3) cannot do without guy: the guy that has a need for +- daily porn which replaces the usual physical side of a healthy relationship. Often a confidence problem, or underlying issues here.
The 2nd type is most difficult to explain. I think it is the most common, and most of these guys would not blink an eyelid if internet porn had to disappear as if by magic, for ever. These men are visually stimulated by looking at naked women but do not find the demeaning stuff stimulating. Getting variety out of a relationship is a lot harder than logging on, and requires the sort of communication you are struggling to initiate. However, getting it right relegates porn in type 2 guy's head to attic status if not graveyard status.
A few points. The first year of marriage is tumultous. It is a huge change and the first few Years are spent settling in. Nothing odd in your marriage there.
Secondly, compromise, join in, by purchasing some sort of visual erotic material that appeals to YOU which BOTH of you should watch together. This levels the playing field in an open way.
Thirdly, the number of images downloaded may not represent time spent on-line.
Fourthly, and this is the crunch: is there still chemistry or hope of chemistry??
Finally, just to help, I LOVE small boobs and did you say you were athletic? Is there a website? Without the horses.
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A
male
reader, CRS698 +, writes (18 September 2006):
 Hi Nikki, This must seem like a terrible situation for you to be in. It sounds like you're not your husbands type at all, if he's looking at that kind of porn. It fact if hes happy with you at all he shouldn't (and wouldn't) be into that kind of thing at all(unless you were both into it together)
I would advise couples counselling, and if he doesn't agree to it I'd give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't go, you leave him, and MEAN it! don't allow him to control the issue, YOU be assertive! YOU tell him how you feel about what hes doing and whats going to happen, and whats going to happen if he doesn't do something about it.
I hope it works out for you.
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