| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend wants me to stop being insecure, but I don't know how. Granted, never been the most self confident chick in the block, since I'm not the prettiest. But when we started dating, he used to compliment me a lot which gave me a huge confidence boost. Huge, I was really confident! I really FELT like the prettiest woman in the world.However, with time, we started becoming more comfortable around each other and finding more stuff out about our pasts, etc. He's the brutally honest guy. Once we were watching TV and something slipped out, there was the typical TV slut singing on TV, and he said "Dang! She's so hot!". A girl who looked NOTHING like me! I asked him why she was hot and he said something like "She's someone you'd like to see doing porn".Other stupid things he's said that have made me feel bad about myself include:a) "I like bigger breasts than yours."b) "Models/actresses/porn stars are hotter than normal girls."c) He's told me about his celebrity crushes. They're all better endowed and thinner than me.d) "My ex had bigger breasts than you"e) Once, I was telling him I wanted to lose weight. He said I didn't need to, and that I might end up flat. He then said "You'd have to get implants".I've also found out that in the past he and his friends would check out girls regularly. Most likely they still do. His friends are still perverts (one of them once taped a girl from behind, getting close ups of her butt as she walked). They always make sex jokes and stuff. I'm no prude, but you know, I just don't feel comfortable with all that. I hate to think that when he's around them they all perv at other girls and that eh thinks they're more sexually attractive than me.My #1 hang up have always been my breasts, since they're SMALL. In my country, men are FIXATED on big breasts. Every crappy TV show that is successful has something in common: sluts in skimpy clothes, with big fake implants dancing around, and lots of sex jokes and whatnot. Men here are so much like cavemen, they love big breasts, even if they're fake! Can you believe that? They prefer fake over natural if the natural breasts are small! Ok, despite making him sound like an utter jerk, I can tell you he's the sweetest man ever, on this post I'm only referring to this particular problem. He's awesome and we have a great relationship, otherwise I'd dumped him a long time ago. It's just he says these things and that I dislike his friends.But now he expects me to stop being insecure. Sometimes I'll freak out if we're watching tv and there's a naked girl and he watches. He usually says things like "So what, she's on TV, I'll never meet her!". That makes it sound like he thinks it's ok to check her out as long as he'll never meet her and that makes me feel like crap! When I'm upset he goes all lovey-dovey and says "Oh, honey, don't get mad please, I love you, and that's what matters right?" But again, this makes me feel like he thinks it's ok to ogle any other "hotter" woman, as long as he loves me.I guess what upsets me the most is that he'd prefer I'd have a better body and that I wouldn't change anything about him because he's fine to me and also because I've never been the shallow type of girl. I never ogle while watching tv or anything, honestly. I know some girls do, but I don't. Chippendales, etc, doesn't appeal to me. Sorry. It's who I am. I just wouldn't change anything about him, but knowing his real preferences makes me freak out.I know you'll all side with him and tell me to stop being immature and that yes, he loves me, so, so what if he ogles, and that I shouldn't be ungrateful because at least he's honest... But you tell me how am I expected to feel so great and confident in myself if he's already told me he prefers bigger breasts, that he'd like to see hot girls from TV doing a porno, and that it's ok to ogle as long as he never meets them? He seems to think that just by loving me I should be over-confident in myself, but I'm a girl and I need more! How can I get over all this? I dread watching TV with him because 8 out of 10 times there's something sexual on! And I'm starting to hate anything sex related like TV shows, magazines, porn, jokes, etc... I'm starting to feel like a prude because I hate to think that sexually I'm not "all that" for him (even though I'm always up for anything kinky and I love having sex)... I just wish I was as perfect for him as he is for me...~Sad.Ugly.Confused~
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breasts, confidence, crush, I love you, immature, insecure, lose weight, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 Well, poster, I am sorry to say that you don't get it. And I'm choosing my words, not to hurt you, but indeed to insist on what you are missing.
Again: you don't have to have anybody's dream physique. You're as you are and who you are. Most men prefer bigger breasts, but I don't think there are many of us (except, perhaps, your boyfriend) who will waste time thinking something like "Goddammit, she doesn't have the nipples I wish she had", or SAYING IT, like your boyfriend does. He's the bad apple, not the rest of us, and you keep missing it.
Men don't have it easier. The competition is in other grounds. But I won't spend my life complaining that I just will never have the money some airheads have, you know? And, BEFORE ANYONE BEGINS COMPLAINING, this doesn't mean I believe that women care about money only. I am just stating a fact. And if that is not a fact, where does the term "golddigger" come from?
If a woman thought she were doing me a favor, I would dump her right away. Can you do the same to your man, and find someone who won't care about the size of your breasts, or, at least, who won't find you a goddess but will be more than charmed with you and more than happy to be with you?
Like someone said, your real problems are 1) low self-esteem, as if all of your worth came from the size of your breats, and 2) a bad boyfriend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Oh, sh*t, so I'm stuck with having to put up with ALL men who adore big breasts and be "thankful" that some of them may "get to like small breasts" and "love me despite that"? How shitty is that? Makes me feel like they're doing me a favor!
Sorry Daniel, it may be the truth, but don't tell me to not feel bad about my small breasts, clearly you have no idea about how important it is for women to feel beautiful. Especially since it's big breasted women who're always bitching anbout it 'cause they get all the attention, they have to buy ugly bras, etc... gee, why aren't THEY happy then?
I wish I was a male they have it so much easier...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 May 2009):
Poster, please DON'T ignore my post about men liking big breasts. That is the truth. It does not mean that we can't get to like smaller breasts, or that you have to feel bad with your breasts, but it is the truth. If I am lying, how come all the ads around the world show women with big breasts, all porn is filled with them, and MANY women go to plastic surgeons to get implants?
Living in delusion is not the answer to your problems. You don't happen to have one particular physical feature he wants. So, he can take you as you are, (if he loves you as he claims he does, that is) or he can leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Wow, where to start? You, my dear, are suffering from our old friend low-self-esteem. It is nearly impossible to have a fulfilling and healthy relationship until you begin to love yourself from head to toe, inside and out. If he cannot do that when you do, then baby, you need a better man. If he constantly verbalizes his fantasy life to you, he is making it clear that he holds little to no respect for you.Beyond that though, you must love and accept and even bask in the gift God created when he made you. Do you really want the porn body? How uncomfortable, fake, and difficult to manage. You're a real beautiful girl, and you deserve a man who thinks there is no one better, and don't change a thing unless it will make you feel better! Gottit! I hope that helps, and kick that shallow bastard to the curb.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 Make comments about his penis size. But then I am male and would never put up with comments like this. He doesn't like the goodies, then he can go find something else to play with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): PLEASE ignore the last comment taht stated "all around the world all men like big breasts."
Please. I'm sure there are tons of porn sites dedicated to small breasted women. Same with huge butts, fat people, skinny people, shemales, its... not all men are the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Haha, I'm with "anonymous" here. Start cracking jokes about penis size and I guarantee he will find himself just as insecure. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 May 2009):
There is no woman in this world that is exactly the way her man wants her to be, yet men fall in love with them. Not only in your country, but around the world all men like big breasts. So, your breasts are smaller than he wishes they were. Should that make him not love you? For most men, the answer would be a clear "no". It seems the answer is "no" for him, too. But it does seem like he likes to hurt people and then call it "being honest".
I believe that the way out is to say something like "Hey, you keep your opinions to yourself. And if you don't like me, leave me". That's it. It seems to me that you come across as someone in need, and everyone abuses people in need. If the situation is "take me or leave me", then people think twice before being rude.
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A
male
reader, Harry Castle  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 I don't think your breast size is the issue here - it's all about respect and maturity, and I'm afraid your boyfriend doesn't seem to have either.
The kind of behaviour he is exhibiting towards you should have been left behind with his boyhood. As a man, he ought to listen to what you say and consider your feelings.
Men can behave quite badly when out with "mates" in the pub, but it's unacceptable to bring such attitudes home with them,and knowing how it upsets you, to continue to make coarse references in front of you.
If he is THAT insensitive, I'm not sure I have a solution for you, it's unlikely that sitting down and discussing your concerns will make any difference.
Just to inform your mind-set in this, men are visual, women more contemplative and emotional (and wiser, if I'm honest!), so his "phoar, look at that" comments are built-in to his nature and are indicative of his not having grown up sufficiently to control himself.
That doesn't excuse him: he should be alive to your feelings and how hurt you are by his behaviour and thoughtless remarks.
It's not YOU that is insecure.
You have done nothing wrong, except perhaps to be in lovee with a selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless boor!
Harry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): I agree especially with her last statement that you may discover that you need a man who wants you for who and waht you are in every way. I don't see how a woman can feel confident if her man doesn't like her for how she is and is always perferring other woman.
There are a couple things you are wrong about.
I do not side with your boyfriend. Not in any way whatsoever. He shouls not be making comments that he knows make you feel badly about yourself. Many men will check out other women but they for the most part i don't think, say anything to their significant others about it. It sounds like he is far to focused on other women so much that he can't even keep it to himself.
and
No entire country is fixated on big breasts. I know it seems that way but it's not. My husband hate them and he hates fake ones. He doesn't like makeup, porn, high heals, and has never checked out girls because he was risen to believe it was perverted and he didn't want to be a pervert. He walks out and always has walked out on nude scenced in movied or even movies with continuous perverted remarks. Men don't want to be classified as all the same so you first need to drop that comment. They are not all the same, they are not robots, they have their own minds.
Your boyfriend needs to stop being so disrespectful to you in this way. He sounds like he believes he is your personal gift from god and that the fact that he loves you should make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
You need to lay down the law and tell him that what he's doing and the thigns he says to you are making you feel bad about yourself and you can't be in a relationship that continuously makes you feel worse about yourself. tell him that you don't disrespect him by eye humping every jacked guy you see and he should have the same respect for you. The committment you two have is between you two only. Part of that committment is sexuality and you expect to be the only girl who he shares that with.
Some girls don't mind this. Some go to strip clubs with their men and watch porn together and check out girls together and that's fine. That's the way they are. And this is the way YOU are so there is nothign wrong with that. You can't change the way you are so don't let anyone tell you that you are being immature or you just need to stop being this way. It's you. Dont' change it. Instead, find someone who can make you feel good about it. If he can't learn how to do that, then he can't make you happy for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Simple. Next time you see a hot actor say "hmm..bet he's well endowed, gotta be at least an 8 incher". Then say "sigh, only in the movies".
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