A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a mature person (not perfect and have many flaws, I am only human), I met this guy who was 10 years older than me 4 years ago, I told him I did not want not want to go out with him as my previous relationships have broken down and they have cheated on me (yes I have my flaws too, please people do not attack me telling me that I have done things to break relationships). This guy promised me that he is loyal. few months into relationship I saw sign of things that he was on sites with women, I challenged him but he told me that because of my trust issues I find reasons to end it, this went on and on till I saw his profile on sites and it came to light that he was in fact sleeping with other women. in the last 4 years I have tried to end it with him, but he refused to let me go.Then out of blue December 2018 he blocked me on his phone and Whatsapp. then sent me a letter 7 January 2019 telling me that he has finished with me. I WAS NOT contacting him or bothering him for him to block me. in fact I was avoiding me most of the time when he kept sending text.I changed my phone number and he sent me a letter. I do not understand him and I have not responded to him, although I love I do not want him and want peace and harmony in my life. please tell me why would he block me, then send me letter.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Dump him!!! Move if you have to; and change your phone number again. Ghost your social media accounts until you've reset and resettled your life.
How does someone not let you go? Did he hold you hostage? Did you report it to the police? Does he have full mind-control over your every move? These are rhetorical questions, I only want you to stop and think.
You put-up with total bull-manure for for years; because you claim you're not perfect. Nobody's perfect. It doesn't mean you should have no standards or values; and you should just offer yourself to anyone, who might treat you any sort of way. You don't remain with someone you know is cheating on you; only because you hold such low regard for yourself and your own feelings, and who you are. Because other men cheated on you. Then stop lowering your standards so low you'll end-up with cheaters.
Your bitterness and cynicism is costing you everything. Your sexist-attitude that all men are no-good is restricting your availability to only cheats and liars. It might challenge you to look at your own flaws and fix them. It's even wiser to seek a man with better character. Oh, but your age!!! It doesn't matter to improve yourself; because you're in your 40's.
Weak excuses! Heard them all before, my dear. You're selling-out too easily! A better man might expect better from you. So take whatever you find at the bottom of the pile; and you can let yourself go.
Having flaws doesn't mean it doesn't matter how your are treated. It means you need to get to work on correcting those fixable-flaws.
I read between the lines. What you're really saying is this. Because you're a mature-woman your choices are few; and you can't be choosy. That's a notion you've convinced yourself to believe; because you don't want to go through all the trouble it takes to be a better woman. You use that as an excuse to just settle for whomever/whatever you can get as a boyfriend. No matter how much of a certified jerk he is.
The desperate lady over-40 motto: " A no-good man is better than no man at all!" "Because all men are no-good anyway!"
Not true! The more deserving smarter-women snatch them all up for themselves! Even a few bad-ones get a hold of them; but they can't hold-on to them. Good-men know what we're worth. It's a few dummies who get trapped; because they let lust get the better of them.
Age is not a disease or a reason to give-up on yourself. It's more reason to take care of yourself and seek only what you deserve. You have to fix your fixable-flaws; and be a better person for your own sake. Not to get a man. You'll find a man; but the objective is to find a good-one! So he'll stick around and you'll be happy to have each other.
Tell me, am I wrong?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Amen to Code Warrior!
There is NO way any of us can know why he is acting like a sick bastard.
My guess, and it would ONLY be a guess, it that he actually ENJOYS hurting you.
I lied and said ALL the "right" things to get you to date him, he then lied and made you think YOU had to be wrong (gas-lighting you) when he was on various sites talking and then seeing other women. YET you continued to date him? You wasted 4 years on this guy. STOP wasting another minute.
If you receive a letter from him, RETURN it unopened.
Focus on YOUR life, things you want to try, places you want to go, people to meet, hobbies, family, friends. And let this man go. He wasn't who he said he was. You ARE better off without this one.
Let him go and move on.
And STOP caring why he wants to play games. WHO cares?! He is a twat and an ex... And a BIG waste of space!
Chin up. enjoy life without this man.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 February 2019):
 Who knows? And frankly, sweetheart, why do you even care? The guy is a player. You already know that. So he's telling you he finished with you? The garbage took ITSELF out. Result! Rejoice! My guess is he has found himself another woman to control and has no further use for you. You have dodged a bullet. Don't look back.
Not only is he a liar and a cheat (dating other women, then denying it), he was gas-lighting you to make you believe YOU were the one who was actually in the wrong. What is it about this lying cheat that you love? My guess is he is a charmer and you succumbed to his patter.
You sound reasonably astute so my question to YOU is, why did you let him string you along for so long? I mean, "in the last 4 years I have tried to end it with him, but he refused to let me go", what the heck is all that about? If you really want to finish with someone, then you CAN. I have finished a number of relationships where the guy didn't want to end it. You just stick to your guns and refuse to go back and, eventually, reluctant as they may be, they get the message as they have no option. If you were half-heartedly telling him you wanted to finish with him, a practiced Casanova like him will have found it quite easy to manipulate you into staying put while it suited him.
Stop giving him any more head space. He is not worth it. Dust yourself down and live your life as YOU want to live it. If you want to share it with someone, find a person who helps you achieve the peace and harmony you crave. You deserve better than what you had.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 February 2019):
 No one would say you caused his cheating and the breakup, but you did allow this game to continue for 4 years. Sounds like he wants to be the opposite of what you expect him to be. You first did not want to go out with him. He would not accept defeat and talked his way into this relationship. You wanted him to be loyal, but he cheated. You tried to end it, but he refused. It has to be on his terms and he controls what happens to this relationship. He had to have the final say, even if it's saying nothing. Wouldn't it be nice that you do not hear from him anymore? Did you expect being a "friend" to him would bring peace and harmony? How did you find out he blocked you if you never contacted him? Why even care? I am guessing he was expecting you to fight for the relationship, because you hanged in there for 4 years. Him sending the letter is closure for himself. He didn't listen to you all these 4 years when you ended it. So I guess it only counts when he's the one calling the shots.
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