A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my boyfriend is from a very different culture to me. He hid the fact he had a girlfriend when we met, I left when I found out. He broke up with her and said he will try to avoid her, he doesn't, she was even at his place once when I went there unannounced. He invited me in and introduced us, I don't think there is anything more going on, she apologised to me if she had caused trouble but the fact he is still communicating with her when he told me he wasn't hurt, made me feel he is lying/hiding things. After they split and we got together officially, I asked if he could remain faithful, if he is sure that is what he wanted because I'm not willing to enter a relationship with someone who will cheat. Gave him every option to leave if he couldn't do this for me. He tried so hard to keep me in his life, fought very hard to convince me so I thought he must be sure. We have only been a proper couple for just over 1 month. He invited me in for drinks at the pub he goes to with his mates but I have since found out that 5 minutes before I got there he had asked another woman for her phone number and gave her his. To me this is a form of cheating. Especially by someone who had promised to earn my trust, asked repeatedly what he could do to stop me worrying etc. When I asked about her he said he didn't know anyone of that name. Told him how I knew he was lying and he finally came clean (after a long time of trying to deny it) told me I could ring her if I wanted because she probably wouldn't remember him etc. I asked why he would give his number to someone, that is saying "I want you to call me, I want us to stay connected". He just said he didn't know. Asked what he would do if she called, he just said "talk". Talk about what, the man doesn't talk to me, what would he have to talk about to some stranger he met in a bar. I explained that I'm not stupid, when you give someone a clear invitation to ring you then you must want to see them again. This hurts like hell. When I asked what his intentions were when he asked for her number... like "were you planning to catch up, were you planning on seeing her" etc, I just got silence. I keep going on about it, he planned to cheat and got caught (that is my fear). He can't believe it is such a big deal to me, but I'm embarrassed, shocked, hurt and trying to deal with even more trust issues when I already had so many to begin with. I don't want to compromise myself and my beliefs, but why am I still with him when I am so cut up about his actions and intentions. And why doesn't he think he's done anything wrong? Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): thanks for your reply. I try to tell myself that maybe it was an ego thing and he had no intentions of following it up, but i think i'm just justifying his actions to much. I keep imagining how it went, was there dancing, did he tell her he wanted to see her again, did he tell her to meet him there next week etc and it's eating me up. i have a really hard time meeting men. I imagine him to be fine without me, he would meet someone easily. But it has been years since I met someone i want to pursue a relationship with and to be honest, i have a whole lot of self worth issues, i am low on confidence as it is and he is the first guy in a long long time to show any sort of interest in me. I am behaving badly towards him to, mood swings, suspicious of everything, i even worry about things that haven't happened yet. i can't shake the fear that he will cheat given the first opportunity. Why would a man do everything in his power to keep me with him, and then blow it all for some stranger that means nothing to him.
Thanks again for listening and for your advice.
A
female
reader, Skeez  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Hello hun. Most men are different than woman. they dont understand why we get upset when they talk to an attractive lady. They dont understand why we have a go at them for hanging around a lot of girls.
But what you need to do is set some ground rules. If he loves you and wants to stay with you then he will follow them. Give him another chance. Put this behind you and see what happens next. If he does it again then dump him.
Move on and find someone who will have interest in you and you only.
Talk to him first though. Tell him your not going to tolerate him flirting or giving out his number to random strangers. If he does give his number out to people then mke him promise that its just for casual talk and to get to knwo each other with no strings attatched.
It does honestly sound like hes a player and he certainly isnt worth having a girlfriend who will give him there love. But if you feel u can trust him again then give him a second chance and if not. Tell him that your sad and cant trust him anymore.
Trust is so important and if you dont have that then the relationship is going to go nowhere. Youve only been going out over a month so you shouldnt be too upset about it.
and plus its his loss..not yours.
goodluck
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