A
female
age
51-59,
*orried1
writes:Thanks for reading in advance. My bf and I have had a great relationship for the past 4 months. We had a small argument over text two weeks ago. I didn't know if we were broken up or not. We have declared our love for one another and have discussed our future.I hadn't heard from him for two weeks until yesterday. So, I sent him an email asking how he was and hoped he was doing well. I told him I was confused and didn't know if we were broken up or if he was still mad about the argument. I told him that I didn't think the argument was so big a deal that he would want to end everything and throw away all our chemistry and compatibility.Well he responded almost immediately after not having responded to anything for the past two weeks! I was relieved to say the least.He told me "I need time, because with me, his ex, kids, all coming at him at the same time, his father having a stroke and in the hospital on the west coast, and having some issues with his job that he felt like he was in a pressure cooker!"I emailed him back and told him I could and would give him time. I apologized about his father being sick and told him that I was always there for him, to listen and support him in whatever he needed. I thanked him for responding and told him that he made someones day.I can and will respect his space, I didn't push for a time limit. What happens now? What are the boundaries when someone says they need space. He never specifically said he wanted to break up so I guess we are still a couple?Obviously I am not high on the priority list so I'm afraid he will forget about me if I don't check in with him every so often.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2013):
 It's over and done.
all you need do is walk away.
WHEN he contacts you what you say is 'it's over and done have a nice life"
and that's it. NO back and forth needed.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 He isn't an emotional abuser...he just wants you out of his life but is avoiding telling you (most people will avoid the actual 'I dont want to see you anymore', they will throw up clouds of confusion, get annoyed, be mysterious, ask for space...anything...ANYTHING to avoid dealing the final blow. They avoid this because they don't want to be the dick!! and have the guilt.
It's only emotional abuse if you choose NOT to accept the truth.
You don't have to give any parting speeches or explain why you are 'leaving' to him...cos he's already gone!!
If you wanna blow off some steam and call him all the sons of bitches, then go right ahead. Personally I am a great advocate of 'telling it like it is' and 'getting it off your chest'...tell him he's a gutless weazel who absolutely will not be allowed to treat you like shit. He's already gone so you may as well have open season on his arse!!
Don't play the victim and worry that you might upset him...screw him and his shitty behaviour... let your discord go!! One things for sure...he most definitely won't be playing the victim...why? because he couldn't care less, if he did, he'd have been honest and straight with you and not just done a dissapearing act!!
You are emotionally abusing yourself, because you think there is going to be a different outcome if you go over each detail...He's gone, release your anger and let go!!
(sorry to be tough with you but a lot of people are not worth your tears)
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A
female
reader, Worried1 +, writes (2 September 2013):
Worried1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I emailed him this morning to ask if it would be ok if I emailed from time to time to check in on him. His response to me was "this is exactly what I'm talking about....." Of course, because I am under his control, I responded back and told him I was sorry and that he misinterpreted my email. He has not responded back. I am clearly being emotionally abused.I am hearing what everyone is telling me and I am at my end of the rope. I am done. I am done being hurt. My question to all of you is....how do I end a relationship with someone that is clearly an emotional abuser? Do I just simply go no contact from now on or do I send him an email telling him not to contact me and why?I fear if I send him an email that he will turn it around on me and make me feel worse than I already do and then tell his friends that I broke up with him and he will play the victim. I am leaning towards no contact and I will continue to heal.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 September 2013):
I am assuming his ex and his kids were part of 'his deal' when he met you, so he can hardly use that as an excuse to ask for space now!! OK his father's ill but again, no reason to exclude you or not let you know what's going on if he really loved and cared about you.
I think you have to open your eyes and see this for what it really is...You got into something with a man who has absolutely no place being in a relationship right now (with all his troubles and pressure)...he has probably gotten what he wanted from you (comfort and sexual relief) and now he's made you part of his problem and ejected you!!
All the 'I need space and time' is just an excuse!! If he really cared about you, hell and high water couldn't keep him from you.
You have typically reacted by accepting his shitty behaviour of you, ingratiating yourself on the tiniest crumb of attention he's now given you and you have more or less told him 'I'm a door mat, feel free to walk all over me'
I am sorry this happened to you, but men will do what suits them at the end of the day and if you arn't important enough for him to give you a 2 minute call to let you know what's happening, then you are pretty much out of his life already!!
Hang on and cling on if you must, accept the dregs if it gives you a few moments of relief, but you are on the road to heartbreak and eventually it's going to destroy you.
Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I think I may have responded to your post before.
It's quite familiar. He has too much on his plate right now.
It's not a matter of where you fall on his list. It's more about what is nagging at him the most. He shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.
Are you sure you need to be a part of all this drama?
Do you need a man so bad, you'd deal with all this wreckage?
All this man has to offer you is grief.
Your relationship will be like walking in a mine-field.
He's a refugee from a turbulent marriage, nasty divorce, trouble with his kids, and still in emotional battle with his ex-wife. Then he has a fight with you. All before leaving on a stressful job-assignment. To top it off, his father is ill. All he needs is the final straw.
He's telling you indirectly that he isn't ready to deal with you yet. If he said it in those words, he knows how you'll fall apart. He knows you don't deserve all this.
You've ignored enough red-flags to cover the state of Texas. Totally oblivious to what a pile of crap you're stepping into. You're too starry-eyed to care.
This is a taste of things to come. It has only been four months.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Sorry, but he couldn't BOTHER to let you know what was up for two weeks? And NOT till YOU contacted him?
Having his father sick is a big deal but, mad at your or not, he COULD EASILY have texted or mailed you a little note saying hey I got a family emergency I need to take care of, so I may not be in touch for a while.
BUT he IGNORED you.
How long are you WILLING to wait? Sounds to me like he needs less drama in his life and therefore he cut you out, because you were expendable. He can't cut the ex-wife out, because she is the mother of his kids, he can't cut out the family, because well they are family...
If he can't so easily forget you, how great was the relationship really?
I would say, leave him be, and give YOURSELF a time limit as to how long YOU are willing to wait for him to sort himself out and his feeling for you - and STICK to it.
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