A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple of days ago me and my boyfriend went out to a club. I have only been out once before (I do not fancy that kind of places too much) and the one time I have been out I went without my boyfriend.So... On Monday, after I came home, I noticed he was different. I smelled alcohol and he told me he had two pints of beer. He invited me to go out and kept trying to convince me, when I said no. Eventually, I said yes, as he kept talking how much he wants to go out with me, dance close to me and just have a great time WITH ME. He was as sweet as never... Singing to me "Only you", in French, telling me how he loves me, how he could not be without me, how beautiful I was and so on. I was pleased, but at the same time I kept thinking that he is drunk and that he lied to me about how much he drank. Also, while at home, he drank even more while I was getting ready. He was not very drunk, but it was more than I have seen before. Anyway, since I have already agreed to go, I did not back out.Here we are, in the night club. I find it very difficult to relax and get in a better mood, so we sit for an hour just drinking. He gets even more drunk (gets even more attentive). We meet his friend from university who is with his own friend, with whom my fiancé is not familiar (lets call him Tom). Well, as the night goes, I see my fiancé talking to Tom, so I start a conversation with his friend. Suddenly, me and my fiancé's friend notice that the two of them are arguing, and Tom is pushing my fiancé. The guy gets in between them to make sure there is no fight. I tell my fiancé I want to go home right now (it is my first night out with him, I did not want to remember it as a horrible day that he got into fight). He does not listen, does not even look at me and keeps trying to get to the guy. Now I was raised in a manner that I expect a guy to respect a girl. Especially his own girl. Since he does not care how I feel and what impression is he making, I get mad and tell him that if we do not leave right now, I leave on my own and it's over. He tells me... "F*** off! F-*-*-* OFF!!!". ??? He is an immature boy, who does not know his limit, gets drunk, gets into fight (not caring his fiancé is there) and tells ME to eff off? I was trying to make sure we get out before anything happens, because I do not want him to get hurt or hurt anyone. Plus, if he gets a criminal record or anything, he might ruin his right to study in university. I head to the door and decide that I forgot something. I head back to return the ring. As I turn back I can see his friend running after me. NOT my fiancé, his FRIEND! I stretch the ring to him but he keeps asking me to calm down and keeps telling me how it's his fault. However, I am not as mad about the fight as I am about how he treated me. I don't say anything just let him know I am going to stand there and wait. As I stand there, eye meet security-guy's eyes and nod towards the "fight-to-be". He gets them all out. And? Arguing continues outside. My boyfriend blames me for the fight, because apparently I made a joke about Tom being gay and he repeated the joke to Tom (!?) Tom got mad because of that. In reality, I ASKED IF "TOM'S" NAME WAS SERGEY!!!! SER-GEY, because I misunderstood in that loud music and confused him with someone. Anyway. I ask to go home and he tells me to go home on my own. I have no money, as I have mine to him as joke, when he danced for me (oh well, stupid me). So, they keep jumping in front of each other as a pair of cocks and I take the blame - I tell Tom I made that joke, that it was nothing but a stupid drunken joke (I was not drunk) and that both of them are idiots. I walk away. No money, no key to the house. My fiancé does not care. Lets me go at 1am, alone, tipsy and with no way of getting home. Once again, his friend runs after me. Once again (because of my own stupidity) I stay. All of them start saying how everything has been sorted out and how I should not be angry at my fiancé. I just nod to end this as soon as possible, even though I have no plans of forgiving my fiancé. The two guys leave us to sort everything out. We stay and argue in the street, like a pair of degraded idiots. He shouts and makes gestures so "impressively" that someone stops and leans on a wall pretending to be texting. When my fiancé asks if he stopped there to make sure I am not going to be hit, he nods. That's how bad it looked. "I wouldn't do that, but thanks" he says. We get home... And? He blames me for eeeeeeverything that happened that night. For the fight, for being "a bitch and trying to get into something I do not understand", "a stupid selfish girl" and so on, so on. As I try to tell him how he told me to fuck off and let me go with no way of getting home, he ignores me and tries to sleep. I get so very mad and do a huge mistake... I grab that bottle of wine that he did not finish, and poor what's left on his back (which was turned at me as I was talking). I do admit it was extremely childish and I should have not done that, but that night I was so shocked after seeing the side of him I have not seen before, that I did not even know what I was doing, I guess I wanted to humiliate him as he humiliated me. Stupid girl, I agree. Next thing I know I am sitting on the bed with my hand pressed against my face, trying to realize what happened. I do not know with how much force did he slap me or how did he slap me (with the back of his hand or the palm. I sat there so shocked I did not cry nor say anything, just sat. Before, he has broken and egg on me, but I did not do anything to him... I did not hit him. I was shocked he did. Ever since I was a little girl, I used to promise myself I would leave a guy straight away if he ever as much as touched me. Now I was sitting there and thinking of excuses for him, thinking of how it is my fault and that I deserved it. He started crying. Said he did not deserve me, that I could do so much better, that we can't stay together anymore, that he is a horrible person, that he is not a man, that he wants to die. I started crying too, because I could not listen to him talking like this, he sounded so hurt, so unwell. I started saying that is wasn't true, that it was me who brought the worst out in him. Anyway... I spent most of the night crying. I recalled all the times he mistreated me. When I asked him if he ever treated any ex girlfriend as badly as he did treat me, he said no. He never ignored them, never told them rude words. And from the people who knew him before me, I heard all of them were mostly sluts... He is my first boyfriend, never had anyone else. I felt even worse. Started thinking that it was really me, that I am impossible to love or respect. He has told me before, that I do not deserve respect and I started thinking that it has to be truth, because even those girls never been treated like this. He told me to eff off many times, and even though the first time he did, I threatened to leave, he continued doing it and I am ashamed to admit, but I was kind of getting used to that. Next morning, (as I , stupid me, started crying again straight after I woke up) I told him all this, and he started telling me that he treated me very badly, that before he would treat all the girls nicely and they would treat him like crap. He said I was the best thing that happened to him, that I was perfect. He started apologizing and I forgave him. After al the stupid, naive promises to myself - I forgave him for hitting me and the rest that he did that night. He said he would treat me nicely, the way I deserve, "like a princess", he said. I said I would need time to recover and that I will not be able to keep myself from bringing this up in the near future, but if he is prepared to deal with that, we can try. We did. For God's sake, the very same day he was making jokes how I can please him if I want to make him feel better with his hangover. Now I know those were just jokes, but I expected to be treated extra nicely at least that day, after I spend the whole night crying because of him, because I did not want "us" to end, even if it meant going against my own believes. Well, at least he kept trying to hug me at every opportunity...The next day he was completely back to normal. No sign of regret, acting as if nothing happened. He even started getting mad about every little thing (like me putting a bit of magazine under the fridge, until we fix the levelling foot(?!?!?!?!). When I asked him what's happening, he ignored me. I asked again and he did not even look at me. After a couple more times of asking, I stopped cooking our dinner and left with my laptop to another room. He turned of the internet. I came back, really mad. He started insulting me, saying I was selfish, that I did not even notice he was in a bad mood, that I only think about myself, that I do not care about him. He blamed me for being a hypocrite because I got mad when he ignored me, and as I was leaving the room I ignored him too. I threw the wire of my laptop on the floor, which happened to go close to the fire place. He started saying that I was stupid and kept calling me to have a look where I threw it. Of course I ignored that!After I said he promised to treat me better, he said he had a right to be in a bad mood. “Sorry that I am in a bad mood!!!”. He promised... He went over the line, he got away with it so easily, and now he is back to his old games. As if nothing happened! I think it is my own fault for letting him to get away with it that easily. I guess I was scared to give him a hard time, because deeply I was convinced that if I will let him go, he will not come back and try to solve things, he will just give up on the relationship, on the marriage, on everything.I do not expect many to read this, as it is awfully long, and I do not know if I wrote this to get any advice... I might just need to read it again by myself. I am so confused. I brought up yesterday that he mentioned he wished I never said yes when he proposed. He did not say anything to that. Today I said that this silence tells me that is what he actually thinks, and to that he said that me going like this does not really help him to change his mind upon this. Am I supposed to make him change his mind? Like in a fairytale? Go through 3 major ordeals to convince him I deserve his love? Pfft! I am so tired. The more I think the more confused I am, I do not think he loves me... I just think he might be used to me and this is the only thing stopping him from leaving. Even if he loves me, is it going to get better? Worse? Stay the same? I have no more tears left, nor the strength to cry.
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drunk, ex girlfriend, immature, money, text, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Thursday My fiance hit me in the face and pounded me in the back 20 times. Friday he gave me money and took me grocery shopping. When we got back he told me he was going to celebrate his friends birthday with him and he would be back Saturday. He is not and I am a wreck and have been trying to contact the house where he is. I don't understand why he hasn't come back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): God, I know no one knows who he is nor will they ever meet him, but I do not like the idea that I made you all picture him as a beast. He is actually s very good person. He is amazing when we are not in a fight... He is attentive, loves children, loves animals (we have a cat) and is really thoughtful. It's only when we are in fights that he talks to me down (doesn't usually use swearing, just clever twisted sarcastic comments). But if I leave the room, it takes him a couple minutes to start feeling horrible for what he said and he usually apologizes.
I feel really bad by making you think he is bad in general. He is an amazing son, brother and boyfriend. Rarely selfish. The only minus he has is that he has no patience, and that night was first night ever that he was negative after having a drink. As I have seen before, after drinks he is usually talkative and friendly. He is also an extremely intelligent guy with loads of ambitions and a great career choice in a great university (I guess my point is that he isn't a loser neither).
Plus, he has told me today that he does not know how to say sorry for hitting me, because it could never be anywhere near enough. I hate myself, and it hurts seeing him so lost, he seems to really regret and terrified by what he did. He was as much in shock as I was after the incident.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): He needs you more than you need him. He's a bully who uses your feelings for him as a safety net, he thinks he can do no wrong while you still love him.
His ex-girlfriends' treating him badly is no excuse for him being violent and abusive towards you. You need to get out while you still can. I'm guessing that if you are aged between 18 and 21 he is of a similar age that he has a lot of growing up to do. You don't need to be the one that puts up with him while he does it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 October 2009):
Get out of this relationship now. He made you promise to treat you better, after he treated you like that? Now he knows he can control you and he'll continue to as long as you're in this relationship. He should be on his knees begging you, and he's not. So he's not worth your time. Get out now, or end up in a really abusive, one sided relationship.
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