A
female
age
,
*adycarpenter
writes:Dear Cupid,Where do I start? We have been together for almost 20 years, married for 6 years. We have been together 24/7 for most of those 20 years. We worked together, lived together. When we got together, we did not live together or work together. I just love him to the point I got totally involved in him. He was twice divorced (from the same woman) she and I are very good friends now. We have 6 children between us. (Funny thing is all of the kids but two have told me that I can come and live with them if we break up). He has always wandered. From the beginning. It was something I accepted and lived with. Usually with his ex-wife, but she it not in the pic now, she's actually asked me to move in with her when and if we break up. He had a girlfriend that lived on our property in a rental trailer that she paid no rent on about a year and a half ago. She was a druggie. Got into drug court and he vouched for her as he had the reputation to do it. She got caught one too many time though. We got into swinging to satisfy his desire for more exictement. Did not do anything for me except for making me ashamed and cry. We are retired. We were traveling to casino's and having the times of our lives (what he did not know was that I was financing it all with my savings) It is gone now, but he still wants the life style that we had, travelling and living it up. I have never told him that I used my savings to do it. He misses the excitement. He wants the lifestyle back. Trouble is I have been ill the last year and don't look like the blonde haired blue eyed 38D that I was. He says that he needs more excitment. That he is bored. He wants away from our life and it's complications (Don't we all???). We live in a rural area and travelled to the bigger metros to play. I don't know what to do. I tried to tell him that I had finaced our "lifestyle" for a year but he went balistic when I even vaguely mentioned it. He would never hurt me physically, but he is very good at it emotionally.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 We all do that when we're very much in love, to the point that we miss that we need to love ourselves as well.
Sometimes "our mind" says one thing and "our heart" another. Some other times, as in your case, one half of our heart tells us that sometimes we need to love ourselves, and the other half says that other times we should forget about oneselves. Both halves are true. Just learn to balance them.
Keep us posted.
A
female
reader, ladycarpenter +, writes (1 July 2008):
ladycarpenter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have all helped to reenforce what I knew, it is just so hard to follow thru, and yes, I need you all for support. Why do such intelligent people act so dumb like I do????
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 June 2008):
No, dear poster: I'm afraid you're simply used to living with him, and having someone to love, even if he doesn't love you back as you should.
Sometimes life decides for us. You can't continue to sustain his "lifestyle". Tell him so. If he loves you, he will stay with you. If he doesn't stay, you'll be better off.
We're here if you need us.
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A
female
reader, ladycarpenter +, writes (30 June 2008):
ladycarpenter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll of what you say is so true. I know it in my mind. It is my heart that gives me trouble. I seem to be the kicking stone for his troubles. It is almost like he dares me to disagree with him so that he can "blow up" and have his tantrum. But I am 53 years old and now "disabled" as the work force puts it. I was in construction for 15 years and it really took its toll on the body! I wish I could go do what I like, what interests me. Go with friends to do things, even watch the TV shows I like. But I know our marriage will end when I do. He even offered me 10000 not to get married, I thought it was just a test to see if I wanted his money or not. But now he says it was because he really did not want to get married. Then why did he ask me????? His kids and mine all know what he is like and they all seem to empathize with me. Our best friends don't understand what he is doing. They all seem to think I should not put up with it all, but I love the man apparently. I think I need him to leave because I don't know if I can.
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A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Emotional abuse, in my opinion, can do as much damage as physical abuse, I know, I've been there with two fairly long relationships.
What Daniel said to you was spot on, and you sound like such a nice lady, but whether nice or not, nobody deserves to be treated this way. We're not put on this earth to endure the fancies of other people for their own amusement.
You have to be brave and tell him exactly your feelings towards his attitude in life.
Stop suffering and stop putting up with his affairs, it's wrong.
It sounds like you have good support from his ex, a little weird I might add, but she knows him well and obviously understands what you're going through.
Please take care of you.
BigSis
xXX
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 June 2008):
Dear poster, it seems like he he always got what he wanted. Sounds like a spoiled child, not an adult who's retiring. I think it wouldn't do him some damage to FINALLY see life as it is. If he can't, then I think you'd be better off without him. You won't end up alone.
You're still the blond with blue eyes and 38D breasts. At least, that's how I see you. Maybe someone else will see you like that, too?
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