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female
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*hang
writes: Should I give up my soulmate? We met in 2005 at work, but developed a close relationship over the next few months. We understood each other completely, often times without even saying anything. We stood by each other through problems and though we would have fights, we could never stay angry with each other. We are both married, and we both admitted that we didnt have this love with our partners. I was on the verge of separating from my spouse, but he threatened to hurt my soulmate, and take my children away from me. My soulmate, as well, feels that his children need him through their teenage years. So, we decided to give our marriages another try. But I cannot describe the sadness we both feel. I just hope that the right time will eventually come for me and my soulmate. Am I doing the right thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): The advice of anon below is really poor, hanging on to this so called soulmate because he is this good is the best solution? You have got to be a miserable person with this kind of drama going on in your life, hanging on to a crumb of a relationship with a man who is not available to you drives a complete wedge between you and your husband and family..my guess is you already feel like a trapped animal in a cage, and the only one putting the bars around you is YOU. If you do not love your husband any longer and then your children are suffering from living in home with parents who are in a loveless marriage.
Don't use the soulmate as an excuse to stay stuck, get marriage counseling, if your husband won't go you go, you can only change yourself, and when your husband sees changes in you then he will change in kind, but this current situation must just be miserable for him too.
Like I said, I don't believe this guy is your soulmate, he is not willing to leave his family for you, so he does not feel the same about you no matter what he says, words are sometimes cheap, if his actions don't back it up, he is just verbally masterbating.
My guess is if you asked his wife, you are not his first affair, dear soulmate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): If you can'rt be together 'properly' and feel that something is missing from your respective marriages, take comfort in each other. What you you have with each other will make your other relationships more bareable. Not an ideal solution, but the only compromise there is. If you really ARE soulmates, love will find a way - but you will have to be patient. If he's that good, hold on to him.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 November 2006):
 Rythmanandblues says it all. It's very difficult to "try" and repair your marriage while you're running around with your "soul mate" telling him all the mundane details of your life. He then, says what you want to hear and fuels your fire. It's like a comedy team, one sets up the joke and the other delivers. You've fallen into the trap of sharing your personal business, as well as your husbands, with another man. It's the first step on the wrong path.
You're making the common mistake of seeing what you want to see and stacking the odds against your husband. HE doesn't have a chance. You're not trying to rrebuild anything. Imagine the knot in the stomach your husband will feel, the day he happens to stumble across you and your loverboyhaving some discreet meeting someplace. Or how he might react when somebody tells him you've been spotted with another man.
The part about protecting the kids is garbage too. People who value their kids feelings, don't get caught up in this type of behaviour.
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male
reader, cherub +, writes (19 November 2006):
 Hello Zhang
Rhythmandblue2 has many good points in her reply but maybe not everything relating to you on a personal basis.
Just maybe you went into your marriage young without much experiences of others.Just maybe you were coerced into it by family(guessing because of your name).Just maybe you had tried everything within your power to make the marriage work for the sake of your children and suffer for it.Just maybe you are the one who has to change because he doesn't see anything wrong in him and you had tried many times talking to him but nothing changes.Definition of sociopath by randb2 is right but can I ask is your husband bear some characteristic of it?Wanting to hurt your soulmate seems like a sociopathic behaviour to me.And not everyone who wants some happiness and hurt others has no guilt feeling or sadness.Sometimes I think if you are truly happy first then only you can make others truly happy.Maybe both of you cannot leave your respective spouses because both of you are genuinely nice people and rather suffer yourselves then hurting others.
It is never easy going into another relationship with all the baggages that come with it like rhytmandblue2 said but ask yourself this question 'can your children and his be happy if you move in together because they are the innocent parties. If it can be then let me wish you the very best of wishes for your future with your soulmate.There are many soulamtes around which is true but you and everybody else do not have all the time in the world to look for them. So if you found one then lucky you.Before you do move out if you do please discuss it thoroughly about children welfare, finances,where to stay,
etc because it can a very painful when it happens and those issues can be seriously problematic.
I am in a marriage that I have to change all the times and my wife(a good person in some ways) wouldn't try even I have talked and coerced her many times is still the same.Why didn't I leave? Children first and now they are older I came to realise that I am probably suffering from some personality disorder because I find it difficult to hurt anyone even though I suffer for it. Maybe I am just a coward but if you are stronger than me then again good luck to your future.I do have regrets because there has been quite a number of chances for me to change the course of my life.
Zhang no one can tell you exactly what to do,ultimately you have to make that choice and if you have given your marriage(husband) chances to rekindle and you still want to leave then threat of violence or not you should go and hopefully be the 5% who would be happy.1,2,5 or 10 years I would take it.I certainly wish you the best.If your husband changes then it should be changes because he wants to and not force upon him because then I think it is not love for you but fear of losing what his life would be.Furthermore I think people revert back to their old ways if it is not genuine.
Once again best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): Hello, you may not like what I have to say but hear me out as I am 50 years old and dated alot before I married, plus I have a masters in psychology and often hear alot from others about this topic.
Extramarital affairs are always clouded by the fact that they are fantasy based, you do not have to deal with the daily tedium of every day life with your lover, there are no kids vying for your attention, no squabbles over money or household chores or anything that would normally come up between spouses that share every day life.
This is all very romantic and can add spice to an otherwise mundane life and can fuel erotic fires, but ask yourself one question. Is this affair worth my current life, the life that I have with my husband and my children and is it worth bailing out on the history that I share with my husband, and ripping any security my children have to count on for a fantasy relationship that seems to make sex more intense for me?
Furthermore, relationships between two people that begin with infidelity have been statistically proven to have a 95% failure rate within 1 year of conception, in otherwords you relationship has less than a 5% chance of lasting beyond one year after the dissolution of your marriage.
As far as the soulmate issue, this is a bunch of bull s---, there are many, many possible soul mates for you out there in the world, not just one as the popular myth perpetuates....sometimes the person that you think is your soul mate is just really good at connecting with you, and is a better con artist than the one you are with, or even perhaps a sociopath....a great sociopath is supremely good at connecting with others and finding the most vulnerable points that another person may have. Is your affair with a guy who drinks heavily or is a substance abusrer? If so, he may be a very sociopathic person. Anyone who would cheat on his spouse for the last 2 years with you has a questionable moral compass. The definition of a sociopath is someone who cares nothing about the feelings of another person, or how he affects the lives of others who he comes in contact with, consequences of his behavior has nothing to do with what he does....your lover never once considered what having affair with you would do to your marriage, or what affect it would have on his wife and children....Does this sound like a soul mate to you.
Yeah, he knows what to say to you to get you off and feeling all fluttery inside, and craving him like a crack addict, but does he deliver? No, he is not your man, is he?
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