A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts. I would really appreciate some advice please. I have been in a relationship for seven months now, and we see each other weekly as we live a little way from each other.In the main we are good together. There is lots of contact between us when we are apart, we get on we'll and so on. My problem is that I am a very affectionate person and express myself with touch ( I'm not talking sexually here) and he isn't so much outside of the bedroom. He never pulls away when I cuddle him or anything like that, and we've spoken about it and he knows I find our difference in this area hard, but he's just not naturally a touchy feely type where as I find it so important. I feel rejected which I know is madness rationally, and he feels he isn't enough for me. Please can someone help me get a perspective on this and not take it so personally. Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 You cannot force him to be comfortable with this any more than he can force you to stop with the touching! It seems you are both not compatible in this area, you need to stop making him feel guilty though! If you cannot brush it aside then maybe you need to end this relationship.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 My man was not initially the touchy feely type unless it was foreplay. He's a genius in that department so go figure!? Nonetheless you may have to persevere until your man gets the message.
Fact is you live apart, see each other weekly which is not conducive for him to understand and embrace the importance of reciprocating your affection. I believe his mind is still set as though he’s at home, sitting there free from interference, from anyone requesting; hey cuddle over into me... when he comes to visit?
For me; when my man and I were new to each other, watching a Movie together was bizarre. He would go sit in another chair just as he did in his own place. I then had to invite him to sit beside me on the couch, yet he was still perfectly fine, totally engrossed in our Movie as if I wasn't there.
Sure enough I am very affectionate and like physical contact, so I started to place his hand on my lap, cuddle over into him, taught him a few things (which he still forgets) but the rest is history. X amount of years later (of living together) it is he who initiates touch when we sit together. Mind you my man did always seek to hold my hand in public, but I never worried about displays of affection in public as that’s a boundary that some people have.
Other than this hiccup, as I believe most things can be taught with patience and example, you make no mention of any other shortcomings? If your weekends are purely sex oriented with no other affection or attentiveness I’d suggest he be kicked out the door.
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine  +, writes (1 April 2017):
You speak different love languages and you don't feel satisfied. Won't you feel that with someone else? I think you will!! You deserve that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 April 2017):
 You are you and HE is who HE is. You are touchy feely, HE is not.
It has nothing to do with REJECTING you, it's just who he is.
If that doesn't REALLY work for you, I'd consider ending it and finding someone who 1. lives closer so you can spend more time together and 2. someone more your own speed.
Like Chigirl says, you two are JUST no compatible.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (1 April 2017):
 We all express love and affection differently, and we all look to different aspects of a relationship to feel that we are loved. There is an author who went as far as to break it down into five "love languages." One person might value physical touch as an expression of their partner's love, while another might value kind or loving or praising words and affirmations above all else. And so on.
Here is some perspective: touch evidently ISN'T your partner's "love language," if you will. So when you express your love/affection via touches and cuddles, your partner is probably craving an expression of love or affection that you may not be fulfilling either, just as his failure to initiate touching and cuddling doesn't fulfill your needs. So what you're taking as a rejection (of you, by him) is more likely a mutual difference between what is desired and what is expressed.
I don't think this is a reason to go your separate ways. I do think it would be the basis for an honest, open conversation about what makes each of you FEEL loved and valued in a relationship, so that each of you knows how to be supportive of the other person's wants and needs.
I hope this helps. Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 April 2017):
 Im afraid this is a type of deal breaker difference. There is nothing you or him can do to change it. You will always just feel rejected.
So sorry to say, but it could be wise to think about what you want out of a relationship and maybe it is best to end this before it goes further. You just are not compatible.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 April 2017):
 Deep down you KNOW it's not personal; it's just how HE is. However, if he really wants to - and he should, because it is important to YOU - he CAN work on this and change - at least to some degree.
Lead by example and don't be afraid to ask him for what you would like, e.g. "I would really like it if you would put your arm around me", etc. Men need to be told EXACTLY what you want from them, not just a general "I want you to be more affectionate". That is too vague and too "big" for a lot of men. However, if you break it down into specific actions, they can understand and handle it easier.
It may be that he is not into PUBLIC displays of affection and, if this is the case, then it would be unfair to put pressure on him to do that. However, when you are alone together, you should not be afraid to tell him exactly what you would like. After all, he is not a mind reader.
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