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*sisayers82
writes: Please don't be too judgmental to my situation. Actually, you don't have to respond at all. I'm just ranting because I have a lot of stuff to get off of my chest... I am engaged to a man that I love very dearly. Recently I've had time to really look at the relationship and there are a few things that just aren't adding up. My issues with him involve him, and his relationship with his ex-wife. Dan(fictitious name), and I met and fell in love while he was going through a difficult divorce. Backstory: When I met him his marriage had been over for 2 years, she had asked him for a divorce 2 years earlier but he was dragging his feet about it. I'd like to mention the fact that in the 2 years before he met me, while he was dragging his feet on the divorce, he had taken to seeing a lot of different women. He didn't cheat on his ex before she asked for the divorce, but after she asked for the divorce he considered their relationship to be over. Last Fall: We met, and fell in love and he finally filed within a month of meeting me. A few weeks after he filed for divorce from her, he asked me to marry him. She calls his office, and emails him almost on a weekly basis now; before she might have contacted him once, or twice a month. I guess my problem is that he seems like he is more sensitive to her feelings now than he was when I met him, and it really bothers me. And, he often makes excuses for her behaviour. This woman attempted to blackmail him. She threatened to email his family, friends, and colleauges and tell all of them about all of the affairs he'd had before agreeing to the divorce if he didn't meet her financial demands. She wanted him to agree to pay her alimony , and child support on the order of $2,000 a month for 5 years. She wanted child support for 5 years, even though they never had any childrens together; she has a daughter from a previous relationship (the kid has a dead beat dad). She wanted alimony for 5 years, eventhough they'd only been married for 5 years total when he filed; besides that she has a job, and they hadn't been living together, or having sex in over 3 years. Thankfully he didn't give into her demands, if he had I'd have lost all respect for him, but he did end up giving her a more than generous divorce settlement. She got 1/2 of the part of his retirement fund $ he had accumulated while they were married, which is rather substantial, and $600 a month for one year. She also attempted to use her daughter as a pawn to get money out of him last spring. She threatened to put her daughter in public school if he didn't give her more money. Told him that if he hadn't been such a terrible husband, and father then her daughter wouldn't have to suffer like this. Terrible father my ass, he's done more for her daughter than the child's real father ever has and it's not even his kid. He didn't give into her demands on this issue either, and her daughter is still in the expensive boarding school that he's paying for. When the divorce was finalized, I thought good riddance. I thought we were finally rid of this woman, but now he wants to be keep in touch with her, at least via email. He says that he needs to make sure that her daughter is always okay, and well taken care of; and he also wants her to inform him if her daughter needs something, or if something happens to the child. He's known her daughter since she was a little girl, and he loves her like she was his own.He's oh so forgiving now. He doesn't judge her, or blame her for trying to bust his balls, or for trying to use his love for her daughter against him. Instead he's started to make excuses for her behavior. He says that she was just lashing out because she was hurt, and that we can't blame her for trying to assure that her own finances were taken care of. My question is why was she so hurt when she was finally getting exactly what she'd asked him for all along? The ex had been on her best behaviour for a few months up until she found out about our engagement. I think that it was because she finally realized that she really wasn't going to be his wife anymore. I get the impression that she's thinking this isn't really what she wanted after all. He keeps claiming that his ex doesn't care about him, or our relationship, and that she was just interested in the money. Well, I think she still does care about him. When he told her about his plans to marry me, she emailed as many of his relatives as she could to let them know that "Dan" was bringing his pregnant fiancee home for the holidays. Well, I am his fiancee, but I'm not pregnant; but that's a moot point because even if I were pregnant it wouldn't be up to her to notify his family about it. She overstepped. He was pretty pissed off at her for doing it,and I thought okay he's finally seeing her for the person she really is. But, then she apologized, and made up some story about one of his ex's calling her house and telling her daughter(her daughter from a previous relationship; not related to him at all)about our engagement and about us having a baby on the way. I personally think that the story was completely made up, and she just used this story about her daughter to get him to feel sympathetic towards her after she'd lashed out once again. I just don't get why he would want to keep this woman in his life. She's bound to have another outburst once it gets closer to our wedding day. And, I honestly think that, the only reason she apologized was because he assured her that I was on my period. Yes, he actually emailed her a note saying something like:" WTF? I know she's not pregnant because she's on her period right now." Why couldn't he have just said: "She's not pregnant, but even if she were what you did was out of line"? What she did was stupid and childish, and that's just the type of behaviour I've come to expect from her. But, now I'm really pissed at him. I'm pissed that he would tell her when I'm on my period, and I'm pissed that he still feels the need to mollify his ex, even when he knows that she has done something wrong. And,I'm really tired of hearing him make all of these excuses for her behavior. She was wrong, no-one held a gun to her head and told her to act like an ass. Okay, yes it's true that she is currently seeing a therapist, and on antidepressants, because even she knows that she's off her rocker, but does that mean that her ex(the man I'm supposed to be marrying) should be extra forgiving when she acts out?
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affair, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, fell in love, fiance, her ex, his ex, money, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, Isisayers82 +, writes (27 May 2007):
Isisayers82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): You say you have had some time to think about this relationship and a few things just aren't adding up....I am agreeing with you, they don't all add up.
First off, you say he was married to this woman a little under 5 years, they had not slept together in 3 years, and she asked for a divorce 2 years prior to him filing for the divorce and during those 2 years he slept with a bunch of other women, but after 1 month of dating you, he filed for divorce and asked you to marry him and this was last fall, does that mean you have only been with him a little over a year, and the divorce was just recently finalized?
I am sure that what he is telling you would not be the same story as what she would tell you about all of this...it sees odd that she would ask for a divorce and not file for two years if she truly wanted a divorce...it seems like their relationship was troubled to say the least and she may have 'threatened' divorce to shake things up and his reaction was to take it as a free pass and go out and screw around to show her a thing or two or to build up his ego or for the number one reason men cheat, revenge.
Now he has you taking up where he left off and you are very resentful of this woman and her askig for anything it seems in the divorce settlement...it sounds to me like she is getting minimal child support, and the fact that her daughter is not his is sort of beside the point because he told you he thinks of her as his own, he has known her since early childhood and is in most respects the only dad she has ever known, being that her real dad is a deadbeat...this is a good thing, him treating her as his own, it shows he has some character at least...
You are angry that he is making excuses for her behavior, well maybe he is through with fighting and wants it to just be settled which has to happen if he is going to move on with his life with you, and to hold onto grudges and right fighting is not going to facilitate that happening...and you as the new fiance have very little to say about their affairs I am afraid, you are getting a man with baggage, but it sounds to me like he has enough money to go around for the both of you, unless you were hoping for the whole enchilada...and I think your main issue is about the money she is getting out of him and how it is too much comsidering there short-lived five year marriage, but realize that how he is in this divorce says alot about how you would be treated if the same thing occurred in your marriage, and the divorce rate is much higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages, sorry to burst your bubble there, but I thought you may want to consider that.
I am wondering just how long his divorce has actually been final, perhaps you are rushing into marriage a bit too soon here, you may want to consider getting a prenuptial to protect both of you in the case of divorce down the road, and you may want to stop and think about whether or not you want to really marry into all of this because it sounds like he will continue a relationship with her on some level because of the daughter that he is claiming as his own..I really do think it is about his feelings for the daughter,not her mother, although he may feel some responsibility for her as well due to the failed marriage..
Maybe you might want to seek some marital advice or marriage counseling and vent your feelings there and get a professional opinion or help on how to handle your anger and deal with the ex and how she is affecting your relationship with your fiance....because it could go from bad to worse and you don't deserve to have to be angry all of the time, you need to find a way to cope and feel OK with her in your lives.....because I don't think you will be rid of her for good.
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 I think that she is a manipulating person!! Since she was the one who wanted a divorce in the first place!!! She is also money-hungry...and will stop at nothing to get it. I think that asking for him to pay child support for someone else's child is a piece of crap!! And, I think, the money isn't supporting the girl, but her wallet!!! I just hope for your sake she don't ask for any more money. I can understand why you are so upset at this!!!
I hope that after you two are married that she keeps out of your lives...forever!!
And to her so called "depression"....sounds like she was bi-pollar all along, since day one (before she ever met your fiance) using that to her advantage. I know alot of ppl with this disorder, and by your discription of her, they act the same way!!
My prayers are with you and your fiance!!! I hope your marriage will be wonderful....you deserve it!!
love and prayers :D
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