A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started a relationship with a 35 year old guy last year who doesnt have much experience with women. He is close to his mum and sister and her children but apart from that has always lived alone, has never been pubbing or clubbing and only has a coupleof friends. He is very interested in bikes and cars and quite introvert but kind and genuine. He is a lovely guy but has never dated a woman with children. My daughter is grown up and when we first met his friends and family teased him about 'running off with her' as she is very attractive. After I introduced him to her he said he was relieved as he was 'worried he might fancy her' as everyone had been teasing her. I was devastated. Thats not the sort of thing a mother even wants to hear as a joke. I now find I dont want to mix him with my daughter and I have kept them apart ever since. He says I am paranoid and it was everyone else winding him up. I just cant get over this and he says I have to else we cant move on and that I make him feel like he is a pervert or something. I also found it difficult as I found so much porn on his computer and he admitted he used to watch it a lot but doesnt at all now and has deleted all of it. I have never found proof of it since then over 10 months ago. Is this a woman's intuition or is this me being over sensitive. I have had inappropriate comments from a couple of boyfriends about her in the past and just feel very protective of her. I get on really well with her and am proud she is my daughter but I am confused about this...
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clubbing, move on, porn, teasing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Hi. I think the porn thing is quite common now with a lot of men. So as long as it wasnt anything too worrying, i would let that go. Atleast hes deleted it now and theres no evidence that hes still watching it.
As for the remark about your daughter. Its not flattering to have people laugh that he might prefer your daughter. But it was his family and friends saying that, not him. He may well have got himself in to a bit of a tizz incase he found her attractive. But he didnt when the time came. And he was relieved. So thats a very good sign that he didnt want anything to happen to your relationship.
You might have seen him as a potential kindly father figure to your daughter. And so it would be understandable if you were concerned when he even mentioned fancying her, even if it was just to say that he doesnt. Because in your mind, a fatherly figure wouldnt 'go there'. But the thing is, he ISNT her father. There is NO blood tie and being an ordinary man, there is the risk that he might have been attracted to her. But that in no way would have made him a pervert. So please try not to make him feel he is. It will damage your relationship with him.
Im in the same boat. Gorgeous daughter. Partner 15 years younger than myself. My partner did have a little crush on my daughter to start with. I could tell but I decided to let things run and see what happened. After a few weeks of being dazzled by her beauty, he settled down and got over it. That was nearly 5 years ago. He treats her like a daughter now and she treats him like a dad. So let your two meet. You can never be a close family if you dont.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): you are totally blowing this out of proportion, it sounds like you may just be trying to find any reason to end it. You are being over the top it's not even debatable
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 November 2010):
He was being honest, and he said he was relieved he did not find her attractive. So why are you suddenly worried and keeping them apart?
It sounds like you are being too harsh on this guy.
If your daughter is attractive then clearly he COULD find her attractive. Yet he has been honest with you that he doesn't - so why have you gone ahead and punished him for it?
Sounds like this issue is with you..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Think that you should allow them to hang out together, and watch his behaviour and see how you feel, and what it's like when you're all out as a family including your daughter.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Hmm...I'm actually going to go with the minority on this one and agree with jmtmj. Your daughter is grown. It's not as skeevy as if she were 13 or something like that.
If he were really making a joke about liking your daughter, he'd have said something like "Hey, I get two for one" or something like that.
If he was worried he "might fancy her" and is now relieved, he was telling you that she does nothing for him, and that his family and friends' teasing was completely wrong.
This means he DOESN'T fancy her. He was complimenting YOU.
Are you insecure because you're dating a younger guy? Are you thinking that he should be following the stereotype that he *should* want a younger woman and are now keeping your daughter away from him (keep in mind...she is NOT a minor) because you think that side by side, you can't compete with her?
Not true! Be confident and secure that he doesn't fancy your daughter, otherwise he would be with her and not you.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Honestly, I think you're being a bit paranoid here and frankly a bit unfair on him. You make it sound like he told you he thought your daughter had a nice ass. He was trying to alleviate your fears by saying he DIDN'T fancy her. You said yourself that your daughter is grown up... how old is she?
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Comments like that about your daughter are definitely crossing the line, in my opinion. If there wasn't some truth to it, why would anyone bring it up in the first place? The people making them clearly have no common sense, I'd see it as a red flag and move on.
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A
female
reader, always ready to listen +, writes (18 November 2010):
i think that you need to listen to your instincts it does not sound good at all.
you are a good mother and are protecting your daughter and i think your daughter her safety and happiness is paramount so do what you know is right instinctively
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): A deer would never drink from the same stream as an alligator. instinct. common sense.
This guy has already thought about your daughter in a teasing manner.. ah? there is a saying: if you think it, you've done it.
I could say more..however, I know you will do the right thang ~/~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry I meant he was worried as everyone had been teasing him (not her).
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