A
female
age
41-50,
*oddler
writes:I have been married for the last 5 years and I share a very good relationship with my husband but there is one thing we always disagree on. He loves to eye other women be it any public gathering. I have confronted him a lot of times and I am very distressed coz of this but every time he refuses to accept it and says you are just imagininig things. I am very sure I am not and now it has come to a point that I can't take it any more coz it's destroying me from inside. I hate him when he does it wherever he goes and the result of it is I feel so alone when I am with him somewhere coz he is lost in his own fantasy world. I can't take it anymore, please help me deal with it. It has come to the point that I have started hating him and hence no sex between us. It's been 15-20 days but he is not ready to accept it. please advise what do I do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): From someone who has experienced it from my ex boyfriend I told him that it was disrespectful to do it in front of me - he can do what he likes oggling wise with his mates. In the meantime I made sure I looked my absolute best when I went out and lapped up male attention when I got it. Because he didn't really stop gawping I made sure I really stared at good looking blokes. He got the hint and I understood the gawping was all part of him brushing his own ego. Trouble is.... if only men understood that in their presence we want to be their whole world. There is a compromise somewhere unfortunately for me my boyfriend was too immature to even bother trying. I'm now with someone who doesn't create a problem in it and I'm not constantly monitoring him - phew what a relief - we can get on with having a good relationship. Don't torture yourself - if he's not prepared to respect your presence get rid of him.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 Hi
I dont think there is anything wrong with window shopping, as long as people resist the urge to buy!
But if he is lingering looking, thats rude.
My ex used to do that, i walked behind him once & watched him doing it to the extent his head turned as he walked past her. Obviously he denied it. Said he always stares at people. Never saw him doing it to blokes mind you! haha
But anyway, it happened more than once & it wasnt what split us in the end, but i do look back & think what an immature idiot he was to be honest.
If they arent completely happy with someone & are always on the lookout, they arent the one for you i always say.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 I'd say you are on the road to divorce because you and your husband have serious communication problems.
So your husband is denying that he has wandering eyes when you catch him in the act. I can see how you would consider his denials and deflections to be utterly disrespectful.
If he constantly denies that he is ogling other women, then either you are imagining it or he is treating you with a total lack of respect. If it is the latter then the two of you will likely need some time apart as a prelude to counseling. The chances of your marriage succeeding are getting worse on a daily basis while the recriminations fly about.
Continue to show that you mean business. If you believe you are right, then spending time apart will be inevitable. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (7 August 2007):
So you have been married for five years to your husband, I would wonder how many years you have also been married to jealousy, Bet, Much, much longer than your have been with him. Do you think for one moment that you'll find one man who don't eyeball other women. It's a man's nature to do just that. and if you find a man who doesn't eyeball women,you can be sure that He's dead. It would appear that he isn't going to change what he,and many of us men,love to do. You ever hear of his space ,or her space, in a relationship? Marriage doesn't bring ownership to your togetherness, and that's what I see that you're into at this time in your marriage. You are just cutting off your nose to spite your face, sexually speaking. He don't need your body to fill his sexual needs. So you can put aside your picky,women eyeballing problem,as I see it. And keep him in your own bed, and out of someone elses bed. You "were" getting the sexual-fallout,But now your are trying to use sex to control you husband's, Perfectly normal,male behavior. If you want to push him into the arms of other women, you got a good start. But then, it's your life.
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A
female
reader, Baroness Romero +, writes (7 August 2007):
 Not having sex is fuel for the fire. You don't sleep with him, he's bound to start looking elsewhere.
Look at it from a positive angle.
He looks at other women but he lives with you.
Is he ever unfaithful? If not the what does a glance at another woman really mean? It's no different to you looking at other men. You look but it doesn't mean that you want to leave your husband and go and jump into bed with them does it? As you said - its his fantasy world - fantsay means what? Make-beleive, not real, pretend. There's no harm in fantasies and make beleive is there? Children do it all the time without harm.
As penta advised you, think about why it bothers you. Also ask yourself why he is looking at them. Are they more attractive than you, more shapely, dress better. It may be that he is thinking 'My wife would look good in that dress/shoes/coat'. Ask him what he is thinking when he looks at these women in subtle way such. For example, when you see him looking at another woman, say to him 'She's got a nice dress on, what do you think?' and find out in that way what he is thinking. In one way you are getting the answers to what he is looking at, in anothe you are making it clear that you are aware that he is looking - without making an issue out of it and that you are not imagining it. You will find in time that he will make replies such as 'I hadn't noticed' and psychologically, he will begin to 'not notice' these other women.
Lighten up a bit. Don't get distressed about little things like this and you will find that your relstionship will repair itself and be even better.
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A
female
reader, bright_smile +, writes (6 August 2007):
I really think you and your husband need to sit down and talk things through calmly. He seems to think you are 'imagining things' whereas you're convinced you're not.
You've used a strong word there by saying you 'hate' him so this needs to be sorted out sooner rather than later.
If you don't think talking calmly would help, how about writing him a letter? If he sees how it makes you feel in black and white it might hit home exactly how much he is hurting you and stop doing it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): Ignore the dumb comment above.
I totally understand. At the end of the day, if hes with you, he shouldnt be looking. end of!
why do women put up with this ???!!!! have some self respect!
Yeahfine, liking sum1 is dif.
He needs to be told babes
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Why does him looking at other women bother you? He's with you, right? He's not planning on doing anything with these other women. Do you think he's going to leave you for one of them?
Guys like to look. That does not mean that they plan to go off with every girl they look at. It also doesn't mean that he's only with you because he can't get any of these other girls. He chose you.
Now the fact that you can tell he's looking isn't very polite (I'm sure the girls in question don't like being oggled, either) so he needs to work on his subtlety.
But you should ask yourself why it bothers you. Your answer will tell you what you need to do next.
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