A
female
age
30-35,
*armicIllusions
writes:I'm confused. My boyfriend broke up with, right. Like the night he was doing it I managed to stop it the first time. Cause he was telling me how he wasn't ready for a GF. So I had pep talk with him and got back together with me saying that he was ready cause he loved me and that he'll never leave me again. The next day he's ok normal, hugging me kissing me and clinging to me the way I like it. The after that, he calls me upset again and decides to leave me, that night after millions of tears and curses to myself, I was falling asleep and I called him telling him that I loved him and begged for him not to hurt me that what he was doing was killing me, that the fact is he still loved me. I told him to read the letter Id given him for our never celebrated 9th month together (it was May 12, Id give it to him the day before mothers day, a Saturday) He started crying still telling me no. I freaked out and cursed at him with every word that rhymed with fu**, Imagine that. The next day after that he calls me and he tells me he still loves me as a gf that we should stay friends and I should give him some time hat he was still convinced that I'm the one for him. He add's me back on facebook and i asked him that he would admit to again he loved me and he did, and so the next day after that he calls me and says that he doesn't love me anymore for me to respect his decision that there nothing left it cant be worked out. That we cant be friends anymore either, he claims to love me as a friend but doesn't want me as a friend and i just want someone to tell me what's going trough his mind... I just feel he fell for someone else and kicked me out of the picture for her...
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female
reader, A Beautiful Disaster  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Hey :) I too am sorry to hear that this is happening to you. It's very difficult to cope in the first few weeks after someone's broken up with you, and I myself have just been through a break up with my boyfriend of over a year. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted independence, because he's still young and thought that our relationship was too serious. I really would love to have him back, but at the moment it's not possible because I know he won't change his mind.You were with this guy for almost 9 months right? So he's still going to have some feelings for you, even if he finds it hard to admit it. Perhaps he said he doesn't love you because he thinks it's easier to keep his emotions concealed rather than let you know all that he's feeling and make things more difficult for himself. Most guys aren't open books.You said you "feel he fell for someone else and kicked (you) out of the picture for her." Do you know of anyone else he could have feelings for? Has he been contacting other girls while he's been with you or is he strictly a one-woman man? He's telling you he loves you one minute, and the next he doesn't - maybe he's just quite confused as to how he feels? Are there other things kicking off in his life that you know about or may not know about that could cause him to feel as though he can't cope with a relationship right now? (i.e. family problems, workload etc?) He's cried, therefore it shows that he does care, because it takes a lot for a guy to cry! When mine was breaking up the other week, he started crying (and he's a real alpha male)! I understand that things aren't always as perfect as we want them to be, and you shouldn't have to hang on waiting for him to give you an answer.As for the facebook thing - it's a social networking site. If you weren't friends with him on there, it doesn't mean you won't be friends in real life :) facebook's a virtual world - my boyfriend deleted me off it, but he's kept me on msn, and he's still keeping my number.Probably the best thing for you to do is just cut contact with him for a while, and if that's not completely possible, make yourself less and less available to him. It really hurts, and it's a sucky thing to do, but absence does make the heart grow fonder. He'll soon realise that he's made a mistake in letting you go.Go out with your girlfriends for a while, concentrate on building up your confidence and don't let him destroy it :) tell yourself that you're beautiful, that you deserve the damned best, and that you're not going to let him mess you about by being confused. When he's ready, he will come back to you and tell you how he feels :)Best of luck honey :) stay strong! xo
A
female
reader, A Beautiful Disaster +, writes (18 May 2010):
Hey :) I too am sorry to hear that this is happening to you. It's very difficult to cope in the first few weeks after someone's broken up with you, and I myself have just been through a break up with my boyfriend of over a year. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted independence, because he's still young and thought that our relationship was too serious. I really would love to have him back, but at the moment it's not possible because I know he won't change his mind.You were with this guy for almost 9 months right? So he's still going to have some feelings for you, even if he finds it hard to admit it. Perhaps he said he doesn't love you because he thinks it's easier to keep his emotions concealed rather than let you know all that he's feeling and make things more difficult for himself. Most guys aren't open books.You said you "feel he fell for someone else and kicked (you) out of the picture for her." Do you know of anyone else he could have feelings for? Has he been contacting other girls while he's been with you or is he strictly a one-woman man? He's telling you he loves you one minute, and the next he doesn't - maybe he's just quite confused as to how he feels? Are there other things kicking off in his life that you know about or may not know about? (i
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Hi, I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much over this. Even as new ears to your situation, I hate to hear how upset you are over this, so it must be 100 times harder for your boyfriend to have broken this news and to see you hurting like this.
Your feelings are clearly very deep and intense. It's possible that your boyfriend had become overwhelmed by how serious your relationship is. I have a hunch that you hope/d that you two would stay together always? As awesome as any relationship may be, this can be a frightening level of commitment at any age, and especially at 16-17. How long had you been together? I've found in the past that such a deep relationship can actually risk its own undoing simply because of how good it is, if it comes at too early an age (or stage) due to the associated level of long-term commitment it carries.
It's possible that, although your boyfriend isn't ready for this level of commitment now, he may well be in the future. And true to his word, he may even come back to you when he is ready.
However, it isn't fair on you that you should wait indefinitely on this. It could takes months, or years, and there's no guarantee that he ever will. Even if his feelings are sincere at this time, a lot can change with time. -Especially at such an exciting age.
In addition to this- its often happens that partners may only return precisely as you stop waiting and find yourself happy on your own two feet (and even more likely when you find yourself genuinely happy in the arms of another!) As a word of caution however, I certainly wouldn’t resort to games in this though- finding someone only to make him jealous stands out a mile off, and this really only works if you’re genuine.
Unfortunately, holding on too tightly to your ex at this point is likely to only push him further away. Right now, he has made it clear that he wants to be out of this relationship, and as hard as it may be- you have to respect this. Not only out of respect for his decision, but also out of self-respect. You should not have to beg anyone to be with you! Besides, letting him go to allow him his freedom could leave things on a better note between you, making him more comfortable and hence most likely to one day come back to you. -But that has to be HIS choice, not just a result of him caving in to your emotional upset.
One final worry is the change is his attitude towards you which you describe only the day after you parted. Suddenly he seemed eager to cut all ties. This could be for one of a couple of immediate reasons. Either he is merely keen to set boundaries to keep his freedom away from the relationship (be it for now, or long-term) or he has been trying to 'let you down gently' one step at a time, and maybe struggled to leave the relationship due to your intense reaction against his ending it.
I'm really sorry that I can't offer happier comments when you're hurting so much. It could be that only a few weeks of 'freedom' is all he needs to realise his liberties and to be comfortable committing to you long term. But unfortunately, in the meantime, you really have to let him go to decide this for himself.
There's no telling how soon or what he'll decide, and I’d hate for you to wait on him indefinitely. This guy has made his feelings clear enough, and has hurt you deeply. Enjoy your life for yourself and be clear that if he wants you back- he'd have to win your confidence back first.
Realise your worth for yourself and he will too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): You are in a hopeless 'in love' state of seeing your whole world being just the two of you.
You are in the Romeo and Juliette mode. That means the ENTIRE WORLD for you means that it is the two of you, only, exclusively, now and forever.
This mode is both an incredible feeling that you don't want to lose--- and destructive at the same time. (How did Romeo and Juliette end up?)
Your BF has moved beyound the Romeo mode in his life. Maybe he has been through the intense first love relationship before and learned--- it does not last but if you believe it will you get hurt, in many ways.
He has tried to tell you he cares deeply but is not in a stage of the insanity (it is insanity) of the love-is-blind our world is just us two, 24-7 exclusively. Of couse he would also love that feeling. Just as in novels where a newly met couple spends oh--- a week in the bedroom exclusivly but then "gets over it" well--- he is over that level of intensity. That is NORMAL.
Now how can you know he cares deeply? Well, you have applied to him emotional blackmail. The tears and begging and clearly real pain expressed to him, and he heard it, and so he has (you say) agreed to your Romeo and Juliette world. But has he? NO! He is agreeing to ease your pain. He can't stand to see it. He doesn't know what else to do, even though next, if you don't step back and think about all this, you are about to be absolutely BULLSHIT ANGRY that he is not being 'completely honest' with you. Of course the fact that when he WAS completely honest you cried and begged, so he told you what you want to hear will be irrelevant.
Look, a guy who does not care about you would be immune to the begging and crying. He would likely hang up the phone.
But he did not. He cares deeply.
So you two should work on through this. If you aren't getting his alone (you probably won't) talk to a woman who has been in a relationship with the same significant other for oh---- fifteen years. She will be of great help to you.
And don't make it all or nothing with this guy--- as I say, he cares a ton and is worth staying real close. He may even be "the one" if you two can eventually be honest about what is going on.
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