A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 46, seperated for 1.5 years, I have been dating someone of 45 years of age for 6 months, he's never been married. I have 2 children, he knows that I cannot have anymore. We are serious about our feelings of caring for each other, wanting to be with each other, he said he has strong feelings for me etc, that the good part. The second is, we have been intimate and there is no regrets on my or his part, but this is where I found myself broken to pieces and I dont know what to do? He wants me but has pushed his feelings aside and kind of ignored me because, he plays with his brothers children and adores them, asks his brother about life with children, then say's to me that he has the want of having children of his own and gets emotional that he may have missed the boat and is confused of wanting or not wanting? So my friends out there, I asked that I not be draged into this after coming out of an awful marriage, he knew that I couldnt have kids, but has these strong feelings for me and I said that I can no longer stay with him until he figures out what he wants, he asked me not to leave and stay in his life. But in my heart I believe in two things: 1.faithful in what you want and wanting it with faith 2. knowing what you want and if your committed than honesty is best. I have told him that children at his age will only be the whip to their back and as he gets older, what can he provide to make their lives easier. Lets say he gets a child at 48 years of age, when the kid gets to be 16 he is 54 and when the kid is in college and is 20 he is 60, a 4 year period is very crutial for a teen that is in need of a great education. He will not be able to provide because of the financial demands on an mid-income and he will be ready to retire 5 years after his kid is 20 with probably nothing because its gone to the childs education. Not to forget mentioning that there will also be another child following behind the 16 year old, that will be two kids, and he will be unable to enjoy the activities, outings, fun, playtime, teen days, needs and their wants, because he will be too exhausted, financially incapable and truly their will be no life for both of us to enjoy. I dont want to take that away from him if that is what he wants, but am I making a wrong move by staying with him, or try to make him realize what I said to all of you. Remember, I am not cold hearted, I am a mother of 2 and made plenty of sacrifices and I know what it takes to raise children. All I want to know if he is telling me to stay and he is in a juggling act, I believe that it's unfair for me to give my love to him when he knew that I couldnt have kids, and he still want me to be around. I believe at his age he sould know what he wants and I dont want to be hurt in a few months from now, where my heart grows fonder for him. I'm in Love with him, truly the love that I always wanted and a to man that every girl would love to have, minus the issue. What suggestions, can you give me and him if I share this response. Please advise. And thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): I guess you are right in some waysIn others it may not be and I will elaborate. If he knew what he wanted he would have been with a younger woman. He finds women of my age well rounded and level headed which makes it a more stable relationship. As he stipulated to me yesterday that he doesnt need to have children in his life, but would have wanted them if he was 5 years younger. He feels the need to want to know if he is missing anything? I can only give him advise, but I will not tell him what road to choose. That is someones life we are talking about. On the other hand, yes there are men who can go on sexually to have children, but at what point in life do you choose to have to say "I'm too old and what can I provide?" Kids dont need money only, they need the full attention and fun and experiences that at times us parents cannot fulfill because from week to week our work schedules change or stress hits in from another source which fatigues us and we cannot do the things they want to do, so why deprive your kids something that you cannot commit to on a full time basis. We barely make it on two paycheques. These are the facts of the matter. Yes anyone can have kids, but lets look at the realistic picture here. I believe that if you dont have the time dont dedicate, because it only hurts children right up to the age of 13 they need constant attention, then comes highschool pressure and then college or university and so on. So they will need to be looked after and if you get close to retirement, believe me....it's not easy. But I thank you for you kind input, as I mentioned, whatever happens, Im not selfish and I will do what his heart desires and step aside.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): It's not too late by any stretch for a man his age to start a family. Men in this age group usually are looking for someone in their thirties to start a family with and he has every right to remain faithful to his goal just like you do so I don't think you should be trying to talk him out of it...you are just hurting yourself. It just so happens your goals don't match and timing is everything when it comes to men and commitment. At his age he does know what he wants and I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear. It's not fair but men have a much longer time frame than women to have kids so it's not that critical for him right now to start a family.
Having strong feelings for you is also very different than being in love with you and him knowing you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He should have a good idea at six months into your seeing one another and I think he would be committing if he thought you might possibly be that woman. Men are very decisive creatures about what they want but very, very vague when it comes to breaking bad news to a woman they care very much for but never intend to marry. Once again, not fair but men communicate very differently.
It is you who is not being faithful to what you want in life by clinging to a man who won't give it to you. He'll have what he wants, you can count on that, and he's not too concerned about his age because he doesn't need to be. You on the other hand should probably be only giving your love to men who don't want children or who have already raised children. Your age won't be much of a factor with some of these men but it will always be a deal breaker with men who are even considering children of their own. There are too many younger women ready to have children and get married for adoption to really be appealing to him at this point. It's harsh but it's life and why women need to be very smart about the men they choose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been greatful for your responses.... I do understand the nature of raising children. I also understand that with all of the responses, there is always a solution. My need to show him are the pro's and con's of children, the understanding of the difficulties, as we all know that by the time a child reaches the age of 16, we have spent close to 1 million dollars for their nurturing and obligations. I understand this, all in all if he doesnt accept the fact that I cannot have children, its either he accepts me and my kids as one or moves on to a differnt field where he my think the grass is greener.
However, my children dont live with me, but on the 2 sometimes 1 visit per week they will be a blessing as a family. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 13, the reason they dont live with me is of my hours of work that cannot allow me to keep them on a full time basis, they are with their father, as I am in the medical industry and on call 24/7. I do visit them daily for about half hour or the eldest will pop in to see me, Yes children are precious, but they forget about you at the age of 13, so we as parents need to continue to remind them that we are still alive...lol
I was also reading where I should find someone that will be understanding or that he should accept me and if he loves me, he should focus on that real love if that truly is? I have been so hurt and as I speak to all of you, its just killing me inside that sometimes I feel like the selfish one to hang on to him and I feel the blame, isnt that crazy? Or is it Love?
My love for him is that we both have the same upbringing and beliefs, we love each others company, our communication is truly a blessing, we have everything in common and I truly mean everything which makes me get even closer to him, when we are together he weakens me by the way he is so gentle and sincere. His touch is like that warmth of the sun and it gives me the butterflies each and everytime, its hard to pull away when someone could be your soulmate. We both work hard and we love the simple things in life, especially now at our age. I just hope that he will come around sometime soon to decide what it is that he wants. We will be getting together in the next couple of days to do some serious talking and hopefully there will be a great new year to look forward to.
I will do my best to stay strong and focused and accept whatever comes my way, even if its going to break my heart to set him free and by letting him persue his dreams and desires. I dont want to see him feel like he's lost out in life of his wants for only me that can love him unconditionally. I do wish to be in his future, he means the world to me and I hope that he's realized that and truly I cannot wait for the day that he truly adds me into his life and makes me his own, enjoying the meeting of his family, his mother, brothers, sister and the in-laws.
Right now, he is the only one in my life that I cannot see myself without, but it can all change and I will heal with time if the decision will be made without me in his goals and dreams. Lesson learned and another step in life we can call it a heart broken experience.
Thank You to all and I will post my fianal letter and tell you what has happened since. Big Hugs to all and Have a Safe and Happy New Year!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): These days with modern healthcare and medical technology advances, the average lifespans in developed countries are increasing. 60 is the new 40, or so they say. So it's ridiculous to consider that he will be "too old" at age 60. that's a very pessimistic outlook on life. I have friends and family who had children in their late 40s (adopted), it's not a big deal. My 88 year old grandpa is always texting his girlfriend when he comes visit me (she's 70, so I kid him that she's too young for him, hehe). Don't limit your life and hold yourself back according to chronological age. on that note, I think if your bf wants to work towards a resolution he needs to question and challenge himself and his personal beliefs on why it's so important to him to have his own DNA walking around on the planet. If it's children and family he desires, he will have that with you and your two kids if you get married. Why is that not enough for him? Another option if you can't have anymore biological kids, is to adopt. If he wants so much to be a parent, why isn't he open to that? Family is who you choose to be with, who you love and make your commitments to. Blood relation is not the be all and end all. Love is love, and to reserve your love only for people biologically related to you is sad.to me that's the real issue. It's not that he wants children and family. He's not actually interested in family but rather having ONLY his own biological off spring. Why such a tunnel vision? That's a rather selfish and ego-based reason in my opinion. What, does he think that his biological offspring will be so much better than YOUR two children who are already here, or any child or baby waiting to be adopted? Of course he's not alone in his mindset, lots of people feel the same way as him, which I think is sad. And similarly I would encourage them to challenge their own beliefs too. What is so special about having to reproduce yourself in order to love the child? If your heart is spilling over with love to share and you want a family, what is wrong with creating your family through adoption? If you're with a partner who already has children, then if you get married you are now a family so what is wrong with this picture that it's not enough? Why this mindset of "but they are your children not mine?" Um, no. Once you are married, you are a family. I think you should have a talk with him and ask him to clarify what exactly he wants and needs. Is it to have a family? If so, why are you and your two kids not enough for him? Why aren't having stepkids enough for him? If it's to experience the joy of raising children (which he may have missed out on if your kids are grown), then what about adoption, why isn't that good enough for him?Don't get me wrong, it's good when people have enough self-introspection to know their goals and what they want in life. that's a good step. But that's only the first step. What if their goals are desires are self-limiting or are creating problems for them in other areas? when people can only be happy through ONE path and no other, when what they want is so specific and inflexible, then they are limiting their options to be happy and closing themselves off from opportunities and are actually helping to make themselves unhappy.But if he sticks to his guns, then of course he has every right to want what he wants no matter how narrow minded it is. In which case, there's really nothing else for you to do except move on from this relationship, and find a man who will love and appreciate you for who you are and not see you as an obstacle to his personal goals. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): I think it is wise to be sure about major things like whether you want children/marriage or not at the very beginning of a relationship although obviously people's feelings can and do change over time. I think if he has good finances for a child and he wants to do that it is still ok at his age, but he will be a lot older when the child is in college and there will be sacrifices for everyone as you have said. This is clearly not what you want since you have children already so you need to decide what to do here. If he has a child with someone else you will be out of the picture, so maybe it's better to end it now and to try to find someone who is sure they don't want more children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You both, I'm sorry I have a typo on 54, when it should be 64, I was really to in thought to not miss out on the important information. But again it's really great that I have all of you to give me hope and insperation through this. As I have really depended on the people that go through this and what they did to make it right. Thank you all for your kind support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): On the face of it, it's simple. His age is not the problem, he could take up with a younger woman and have children. But if he wants to be with you he knows children are not an option. He has to stop agonizing and accept the situation. Making you unhappy because of his issue is not fair. So make him face the problem head on.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 I think you need to double check your math, if he has a child at 48 years old and the child is 16, he will be 64, not 54. Raising a child at 40 is tough, consider what it would be if he was 60+.
Sadly, there really aren't many good solutions. Personally, he needs to sit down and realize the facts. You cannot have children (at least from the sounds of it) and you've made it clear you do not want kids. Kids really aren't a place where you can compromise with -- you either do want them or you don't.
The only meeting ground you have is to adopt. You'd have to jump through many hoops on that however and you'd probably have to get married. I am not sure what Canadian laws are in regards to this, but it is the only middle ground that I can see. Sadly, your relationship wouldn't be the first to end because of this matter.
Ultimately, the choice is his, since you've made up your mind. He'll have to weigh how much having kids means to him versus being with you. Its not an easy decision, but it is one he'll have to make. He also needs to make sure he won't hold a resentment or harbor regret.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 December 2011):
 I'm probably naive, having not had kids myself, but I don't think that 60 year olds having kids in college is actually that ridiculous. My father is 60 and he's still pretty spry, I mean he's not doing cartwheels but he's not in a nursing home by any means. I won't have to take care of him for another 15 years or so (near when I'm your age) If you love him and you two are both what the other is looking for, is it really so much a problem? Your concern seems mostly financial. If he can afford a child, why can't he have one with you? If you can't be convinced and he can't be convinced I do agree that it's a deal breaker and that you two should move on to people that fit more with the lifeplan you two perceive for yourselves.
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