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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I need some smart advice!. So this is a long long marriage ,and I would like to stay in it, if its possible!!!!!!But ,I'm not sure this is possible. Here is the problem!My husband does not show love, yet he says he does love me. I'm very very confused,because I do not know what to think. So he is not affectionate ,or looking for sexual intimacy,he almost never looks at me with desire, he never mentions anything about my look, he sort of treats me like air. He also spends his whole day with work, and never initiates anything to do together..So I tried many thing , going cold and distant, going back on this and be warm and cute,but no results. He blames everything on too much work, but he is not making any changes ,and I'm definitely not his priority. So I think its not good to leave a man treat you like that, because he will really just take you for granted.And maybe looks for excitement in the past or somewhere else.Well my question is ,what can I do better to get his attention?We did go to therapy, but he is not doing well, going into things like that. So I ;m willing to learn ,but soon I think I have to move on , if he won't change from any attempt. Please give me some input!
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 December 2009):
I think you should rather use the reminisce method. One day when you have come from the beauty shop and you are looking all sexy and attractive, take him by the hand and just sit with him and start talking about the early days when he did this/ that and remind him how wonderful it was. Be sweet and lighthearted or else he will be defensive. Tell him how you miss those days then tell him you would like to get a little of that back into your marriage.
Another thing: BIG mistake to criticise a man for working too much. He is working that much for you to have these comforts and for most men, they feel they are showing you love by working to pay for your needs and will only resent being married to such an ungrateful bitch. Rather use this to your advantage and instead of saying "you never make any time for me me because of your work", rather surprise him one day with with his favourite dinner and "honey, I've been thinking about how wonderful you have been working so hard for us, I have a little gift for you" then give him a surprise with a candle lit bedroom and massage oils or something while you are in a sexy little outfit. To help him relax and not get 'performance anxiety', tell him outright that this is not for sex, this is just to help him relax. Give him a nice sexy backrub without discussing all your problems and then take it from there. I have something to say to those who scoff at any kind of humility in a relationship: if you want to save your relationship and the arrogance you have tried in the past has not worked, then its time to try something new. If it doesnt work after that then at least you tried. Men are like children, they need lots of encouragement and praise to reinforce good behaviour, and once you have them eating out of your hand then they give you what you want. Try it and see.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2009):
I'm afraid when it comes to it a man is measured on his actions, not his words. It's not good enough to for him to tell you he loves you without him showing it. I really think you need to do more therapy, and I think you need to tell him to his face you you feel he doesn't love you because all he does is work, and he never shows you he loves you. But bear in mind what I said, if he won't change and show you he loves you, then maybe it is time to go. But for now, make sure you tell him to his face that you are unhappy and you need him to show you love, not just tell you. And tell him directly, not with hints.
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