A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months. From one month in we've had a steady sex life. He's very shy and dislikes talking about sex, as he says it's just the way he was brought up.Last night we were fooling around and went to have sex, only when he went to enter me, he lost his erection straight away. He immediately went shy and left my house pretty much immediately, later phoning me to say he was sorry. He said that it's happened once before and its worried him, and he's worried he's upset me as he knows i have low confidence and he knows me well enough to know i'll worry it was my fault.I don't know what to say to him, i'm guessing it's normal but i don't want to say so if it isn't. Its the second time it's happened and we generally have sex every day so it doesn't seem to me like it's something to worry about- for him. (But also i can't get the thought of it being my fault out of my mind.)I'm not sure though so any advice is welcome.
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confidence, erection, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): We are talking about the male ego here. I know it doesn't seem like much from the outside looking in, but it can really be a complicated mess. Here's my advice:
First, he doesn't want to talk about it because its an ego thing. No guy wants to think that he let his lady down... especially in the bed room. We pride ourselves on being excellant love makers (even if we're not:-) I think not talking about it is a normal response for him. I think you should drop the subject and don't bring it up anymore. The more of a big deal it is to you... the more of a big deal it is to him.
Next, he needs an ego boost. The next time you are in the bedroom, tell him the things he does that please you most and ask him to do those things. That way you will change the focus from the negative to the positive. The best way to help the male ego in the bedroom is to ask him to do something for you.
I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Katy. +, writes (2 June 2009):
 He'll be feeling embarrassed of himself and guilty that he let you down. If you're both having sex then you should really be able to talk to him openly about it, I find it strange that he doesn't but he most probably has reasons for it.Anyways, anything you say won't get through to his brain, just tell him its nothing to worry about and he shouldn't feel bad. The situations over now so you can only move on.If he's uncomfortable about talking about sex, then he's probably uncomfortable with the whole sex thing altogether, maybe he isn't ready for this sort of thing just yet? I don't know you or your relationship but all I can say is let him know you love him and not to feel embarrassed, but if it happens again you really need to talk to him about it. Its the only way you'l know why and what you can do to help.Katy x
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A
female
reader, misswalston  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 It is not your fault. There may be a lot of times that he will not be able to perform, but it could be a lot of reasons. A lot of times, men are so excited that they go down right away. They could have other things on their minds, stressed out, overanxious. Just let him know that you are not upset with him and please don't be upset with your self. This is normal and it happens, however, I know it can be frustrating for both parties. Try some techniques to relax him. Give him a massage: back massage, penis massage, tongue massage. Whatever it takes to relax him. If your sex life has been fine for most of your 6 months together, then I am sure it will be alright..........Stop being so hard on yourselves......
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 June 2009):
 It is nobodies fault but his subconscious. It certainly isn't yours (it's not as if he's not attracted to you or doesn't find you sexy or you weren't performing well enough), and it's not his, I'm thinking that if this has happened before, he is psyching himself out of an erection. In his mind he's probably saying to himself "please stay hard, please stay hard" - and let's face it, that's a real mood killer. And you know men, this happens to them and they really take it to heart.
He's probably so freaked out that this incident is the end of the world. That you'll think he is less of a man and that you'll think that YOU'RE less than a woman... and now he's completely stressed and ashamed of himself and his manhood. This will only make the situation worse!! His erection currently is all in his head and the more he thinks about it and stresses, the more of a problem it will become for him.
So what can you do? You can assure him not to worry, that you still have a great time and love the sex, love the foreplay, love it all! Make sure he's good and relaxed, spend lots of time on foreplay and get back on that horse!! If he loses his erection again, don't make a big deal of it, just chill, maybe carry on with some foreplay, but make sure he realizes that you still know that to him, you're one hot mama and that you still think he's the sexiest guy around.
Good luck!
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