A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:Hello friends!I am in a dilema! I don't think my boyfriend is good at communicating. He waits until things REALLY get on his nerves and then he blows up on me!Like he used to hate how much rent I paid him, and he never said anything until one day we were in an argument and he started saying I don't help out around the house, I only pay 1/3 of his mortgage, and I don't clean as much as he wants. I was like if you want to talk about how much chores we each do, why didn't you just tell me instead of go nuts on me about it? He may have been stressed out about work that day too. So for food, he would go to the grocery store sometimes, and sometimes I would go. One time he went twice in a row, but he eats a LOT more food than me, so I didn't think twice about it. Then he got mad that I didn't go the alternate time after him. Then one time I went to the store, and then we went together the next time, and I was expecting him to pay since I bought the groceries the time before, and he got mad in the grocery store saying I better split the bill of the groceries with him! it was so embarrassing that I just did it!Another time, he had a business trip to go to. it happened that this business trip would fall on our 6th year dating anniversary. The law firm was going to pay for the hotel and gas. We took my car, and he filled up the gas since he was going to be reimbursed. He bought one meal, our anniversary dinner, and then we went to eat the next night at another cool restaurant. When the check came, he was like "aren't you going to get that??" and I said "oh I guess so, do you want to split it? (because I thought he was treating me to this special trip and his law firm was paying for everything else)" and he got so mad and threw his credit card at me. I walked back to the taxi and he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night and we didnt get to do fun stuff on the vacation because he was pouting in his hotel room. So my question revolves around an upcoming trip. We are going to the beach in two weeks with a group of his friends. He is doing the planning since it is his friends. He told me the cost of the condo we are sharing is X for each couple. I would really like to budget this trip and not cause any fights. I want to have fun! How do I approach him about communicating about how much we will each spend without pissing him off and without getting run over? What is an appropriate way to discuss who is going to pay for what, so that he doesn't all of a sudden get pissed if I don't pay for something? I feel like the only way to avoid that without us making a plan is to just pay for everything, and I know he would let me do that! Last week I paid for all of our dinners and if I didn't pitch a fit tonight he wouldn't have paid for our dinner tonight! Also, I went to the grocery store the last two times, but he wants us both to go this time instead of just him. I keep telling him to go, but he keeps saying nicely that he wants me to go too--and I am guessing so I can split the bill. When we go together though, he gets way more food he likes than what I like, but some food we do share, so how can I talk to him about budgeting what we buy together so he doesn't just throw a ton of stuff in the cart and then force me to split it with him? Also, I more money saved up than him and I work more than him, so I feel like he thinks I should pay more. I don't think I make more, I think he makes more than me--but I have more saved up, and I work more to try to make as much as I can, and he has a lot of debt and loans he needs to pay off. He makes great money so it is not like he is struggling. However, I don't think I should pay for more just because I have more. I am helping him pay his mortgage--on his house that is not in my name--we are not married. If we were married these things would change and I would let him spend more of my money. He said he doesn't want me to pay for more or to give him money when we get married because he wants to be financially stable and have his loans paid off so he can support me and a family. Help! What do you all think? How can I talk to him about what he expects me to spend in these situations without seeming like a bitch? I don't like being surprised with things he expects me to pay for!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 This man seems to calculate everything that passes through his radar…Grocery shopping, housework, business trip, restaurant meals, holidays, mortgage payments you name it; HE’S CALCULATING! Since you mentioned he works in a Law Firm; I see him dissecting everything like he’s a Lawyer doing a Property Settlement and edging payment in his favour… he wants his monies worth out of you!? Although he says otherwise about being financially stable etc, I wouldn’t get married and think he’ll change!Given that you pay, OFF THE RECORD 1/3 of HIS MORTGAGE, and according to him you don't clean as much as he wants; he seems justified in himself to ‘load up’ groceries, then publicly embarrass you in a Supermarket and furthermore take you out for an Anniversary dinner then the next night your unromantic boyfriend says; aren’t you going to get that and throws his credit card at you! Whilst I don’t expect one to pay solely for everything; from what you write this person sounds miserable to live with and has you in knots. I think after 6 years you know what you’re getting with this charming character… Sure you can introduce a budget and talk to him as mentioned, but he’s not going to change from being financially stingy, rude and nasty!?For me, I can’t imagine having a fun time, when you have to work out – how not to piss him off when you’re supposed to be on holiday too relax, splurge, have fun and spoil each other… It will always be in the back of his and your mind about who’s paying for this and that :(Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2013):
 You ask how do I approach this?
just by saying what you said "honey, we need to talk money and I would really like to budget this trip and not cause any fights. I want to have fun! and since we stress about funds so often I think we need to put it in writing."
my husband and i thankfully have the same idea on how money should be handled by a couple... (everything is ours nothing is his or mine) if you two are not on the same page about finances you need to fix that or you will not be able to make the relationship work long term.
IN addition, some couples counseling on how to communicate might also be helpful. the biggest problem for most couples is HOW to communicate and compromise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): i think he's expecting you to go 50/50 on things, and when you don't offer to, he probably feels angry that you're assuming he's happy to pay (like for the meal you talked about). sit him down at a neutral venue and tell him you need to discuss money calmly. work out an agreement for the holiday. work out a plan for the rent (yes, you should pay rent, but maybe you should be able to go to a lawyer together to discuss being named on the mortgage to protect your investment the property). make a plan for groceries-me&my bf go 50/50 on household items like toilet roll, cooking oil, washing up liquid as we both use them pretty equally but i explained to him early on that i'd buy my own food and not pay towards shared food as he eats way more than me. these discussions are hard, but will hopefully reduce money arguments in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): What a scrooge!
You need better communication between you two, he needs better emotional intelligence and anger management...
I feel for you, it can't be easy living this way.
Right now he is trying to get away with as much as he can - he would let you keep paying dinner if you didn't stop it, and he would keep adding things to the cart for him, which you must split which is unfair.
He is the man, he should be much more flexible and eager to look after you. To give you an idea - my man has gone back to studying full time so he isn't earning much or not at all. However, he constantly saves us money with his clever ideas, and whenever I have extra money and I give it to him, instead of using it on food or things he really needs (he goes without even if it means skipping his meals) and he spends it on me instead - on surprises for me, on things he knows I need or want. THAT is the kind of man you want - someone who wants you to be HAPPY!
Have a heart to heart and explain everything you feel, and set boundaries and clear plans of who pays for what. Also budget together.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): You have been with him and from what you say I really don't know why. He seem majority tight with money.
It this a man you can see your self spending the rest of you life with?? Also if it is HIS mortgage the he should be paying more then you.
I have been with my BF for almost 4 year and live together. Im not working right now and he keeps me in everything rent, food, cloth etc. Even when I was working he would still pay.
Tell him you want to budget for this trip and you want you both yave a goodtime . If he flips then you need to rethink the relationship.
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