A
female
age
41-50,
*ravityclarity
writes:I'm 31 and I went on my third date with a new guy (37) last night. We have known each other for about a month, but started dating just last week. The night went great and we had a lot of fun. We stayed up really late and he ended up spending the night. When we got into my bed, things got really heavy. He gave me REALLY good oral sex for about twenty minutes. When it was time for the actual sex to take place, he told me he needed a little help. I went down to find him completely limp. I was able to get him aroused enough to have sex, which lasted about 7 minutes or so before he stopped. He didn't finish, he just stopped. I asked him what was wrong and if I could do anything for him and he just kinda blew it off. I had chalked his inability to get it up to performance anxiety since it was our first time. No huge deal. He ended up staying at my place and hanging out well into the afternoon today. I figured at some point, we'd try to have sex again and it would be better this time since all the pressures of the "first time" would be out of the way. Well we enjoyed each other's company and he gave me really good oral twice but didn't try to have sex again. I know there are probably a million reasons that he couldn't get it (and keep it) up, but this really bummed me out because I couldn't help but think he either wasn't attracted to me once we were in bed, or I did (or didn't do) something majorly wrong. I'm not perfect, but I think I'm reasonably attractive and he has complimented me several times on my body and looks. I guess if he wasn't into me he could have left first thing in the morning, but instead he stayed until the evening. So assuming we go out again, I'm not sure how to approach sex. I'm attracted to him so I'd really like it to work out...maybe i should just take his lead??
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 July 2013):
Dear OP,
He gave you oral, complimented you on your looks and stayed with you after this weird first time. I'm sure he's attracted to you. Don't make this about you, you're not doing anything wrong.
If you really like the guy, just keep dating and take it slow. Build more trust until you can start "working out" this issue. Erection problems are really embarrassing for guys and they are very sensitive about this topic. So, don't expect to have a great conversation about this right away or fix the problem next time, this might take longer. If you feel like you need a passionate adventure RIGHT NOW, he might not be the best choice. But if there's more to him, he might still be worth hanging on to.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2013):
 Agree with Chi and Cindy...
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN take from this is IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
had he been drinking or drugging? does he smoke?
He may have ED due to drinking or smoking or drugging.. he may have a cardiovascular issues or he may have been nervous and wanting to impress you.
If he gave you oral three times and was good at it, he's into you and this is his issue in that it's NOT about YOU.
Yes if you get serious with him it's YOUR issue AS A COUPLE but that's down the road.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): First time is always a bit of a failure. Either the guy can't get erection or ejects too quickly or fails to find the vagina and ejects before getting in. Be a little patient and see how it developes and suggest politely to take viagra to overcome the confidance issue.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 July 2013):
It is not you....it is him. I hate to sound like a bi*ch but get rid of him. We are sexual and if he can't perform now he will never be able to preform. He needs to see a professional about his issue. Are you willing to do without sex for the rest of your life because you are attracted to him and can do "amazing oral"? That is probably the reason why he can do amazing oral......he just can not preform otherwise!
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (16 July 2013):
 How about he may truly have a sexual issue so close in the relationship, or have some type of stress outside of your relationship that is over whelming him. Maybe he’s not over his ex and can’t bring himself to have sex with another yet. Maybe he is so shy he has issues. Maybe he’s a virgin? Or he may just need more hard core stimulation, the kind you get from oral. Its very direct and very visual (and men are very visual-we like to see our lovers loving us that way). He also may have a medical issue, from medicine he is taking OR health issues. You basically have two options, give oral until the brink and then YOU take control and make love to him (this will eventually make him feel for comfortable about sex with you IF he has hang ups about it). OR Just enjoy the closeness of having him in your mouth or vagina for the time its there. Sex, a lot of the time is fulfilling for both myself AND my wife by just the closeness, with out the orgasm. If you cannot have a relationship with a man that can cum every time you have sex then he’s not for you, I say give the problem AND HIM some time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 What Chigirl says. And/or ...porn addiction.
This is something I would not have thought of before joining Dear Cupid, because in my personal experience porn has not been that relevant. Not absent, but not relevant either- one of those things that people try just for the heck of it or to spice things up some special night etc.
But, apparently, things have changed a lot, free Internet porn offer has become pervasive and massive, and porn consumption rampant. Apparently plenty of guys of any age sort of get themselves trained to respond only to certain kinds of visual stimulation ( which in general is also weirder/ kinkier /more adventurous/more violent etc. than sex IRL...) so when they get to the real thing either it feels sort of bland, or they literally don't know how to react and how to handle it.
Not sure, of course, but it's a possibility. I don't think that he just did not find you attractive , otherwise why all the oral sex and why staying around till the following afternoon.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 July 2013):
 There's not really that many reasons why a man can't get it up. Erectile dysfunction, or he's nervous. Basically that's it. In either case, it's got nothing to do with how the woman looks. It'd be one thing if he was rock hard the one minute, then you did something and he went limp. That'd be because he got turned off. But he wasn't turned off, a guy who's turned off doesn't go down on a woman to give her oral, and then ask for "help" to get started. To me, that sounds more like a man who does find you attractive. But who's got some problems with getting an erection.
Yes, it could be first time nervousness. Don't think that nervousness would be gone by the second time either, because since the first time wasn't a success, why would he feel any more at ease when the second time comes around?
But, it could also be that this is a bigger issue, erectile dysfunction. In which case, he'll probably never tell you, because men feel it is so embarrassing and emasculating. So he'd rather lie to you and go on pretending it's just "stress" or "nervousness" or any other excuse.
I suggest that the next time you and him meet, and the timing is right, that you directly ask him. Was it first time nervousness, or is there something you ought to know? Has this happened to him before, and how can you work around it? If he's not going to be open with you about it then a relationship is a bad idea, because you can't keep these things hidden in a relationship. It's going to become a problem when it comes to sex, so he needs to be open about it, or there can be no relationship. If he's open about it, you can work around it. If he's not open about it then there will be problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): Like you said youself maybe it was first time pressures on why he could not keep it up. As for in the day maybe he was over thinking it and worried it nay happen again and make hope him feel like less of a man.
You right if he was not into you would of left in the morning but choose to spend the day with you so that it a good sign.
Or he may have erectile dysfunction. It's not uncommon at 37.
Invite him, over cook a dinner take things slow and be sure the environment is relaxed. Then see what happens.
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