A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with only me, however he was very hurt when him and his ex girlfriend broke up nearly four years ago. We have been together a year and a half and live together with plans to marry next year. He refers to 'our kids' and 'the house we'll have' when he speaks of the future.I know he thinks about her and when things remind him of her he looks her up on social media (even though they are not connected). We have argued about it, but now I believe he loves me. He said I brought her up jealously in conversations too often and rehashed his memories of her keeping her fresh in his mind. I agree with him however at the time I just thought that maybe I would get hurt by him because I was a rebound or something.He was crazy about her and he doesn't let go of anger very easily. But I know that he is a person who does not live with regrets and I know that he goes after what he wants and that he would not be with me if he didn't want to be. I just wonder how long before he is truly over her. I don't really bring her up at all anymore, and he looks her up less and less now.. Will the hurt fade from him eventually? By the way, he treats me very well and is affectionate and loving and supportive and sweet and we get along very well. I don't feel that I'm second best in the way he treats me at all. But I really hate that she may still have a hold over him. Jealousy I know!
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female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (8 September 2014):
First of all, be grateful that in the end he chose to be with you. Coming from someone who went through the same thing as your husband. It took me 3yrs to get over a guy I was in love with. And I did because I met someone that just filled my heart with happiness. I was in my lowest possible point in my life but after meeting this guy, I felt alive again. believe me that it can happen. I can't get rid of the past but at least now when I look back, I look back with gratitude because it made way for me to meet this wonderful, wonderful man and I don't ever want to lose him. I may never forget the memories but I certainly don't want to reconnect with my first love again because I am happy with this man I met and I choose him over my first love. I never thought I'd ever feel this way again towards someone else but it happened the least I expected.what you can do, is keep showering him with your love. Listen to him, pay attention to the little things that he needs, have romantic moments with him, hold hands. Do your best to show him how happy you are having him in your life. If there's one thing I can impart on my past, it would be: love grows but love also fades. Make each moment with him count and don't ignore each other so that if/when someone else cones along, he will still would rather be with you. you are blessed to have found each other!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): OP here. Thanks for all your responses. Wise Owl I really appreciate your words. You speak with rational thought without forgetting that emotions are a part of it too and I respect that! I'll take your advice and trust myself enough to allow myself to trust him. I've got insecurities from a past relationship and it's not fair to look for him to fix my problems. You're advice on these forums is always great your a good agony uncle!!
I have been planning new things with him - we are making new memories together and that's the most important thing! And he has promised me time and time again that I have nothing to worry about with his feelings about his ex. Not so much anymore because I have been trying to forget her like you suggested - it's working, sort of! A little bit to go!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 June 2014):
I think four years is more than long enough to get over someone.
It also sounds to me like you're trying very hard to convince yourself that this doesn't mean anything and the only issue here is your jealousy. I disagree. I think that he's not able to fully give himself to you because he's not over her. And reminding himself by socially stalking her hurts your relationship.
At the same time, what are you going to do about it? There's not really anything that I can think of that'd work. I think we both know he'll check on her even if you forbid him.
Maybe he needs counseling? I don't think this is about him leaving you. Sometimes rejection can really mess with someone's self esteem. Maybe that's part of the problem.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I just wanted to say 'Thank You' to WiseOwlE.. I needed to read your response. OP, I wish you the best! ^_^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Look into your own heart for that answer. There was once someone you truly cared about, before you met your present boyfriend. Those closest to us who have moved on for whatever reason, are never completely forgotten. The closer they were, the stronger the memory.
He has made significant process in the fact that you can speak so highly of him. How affectionate and sweet he has been to you. You can't make him completely forget her; but you can fill all that space she left behind, and push her completely out of his heart. Unless he becomes amnesic, he'll have a few flare-ups in his memory; but you have to control "your" jealousy and insecurities.
This is important advice. So read carefully. You cannot read his mind, and that means you'll have to take some risk. He has no responsibility to constantly reassure you of his feelings for you over her. His actions prove that all the time. You have more power over his feelings than you realize. That is why it is very important that you take control of your insecurities; and show your strength and trust in your current relationship. He can't do that all on his own. Give him a reason to give-up her memory. That starts by forgetting about her yourself.
Everyone we'll ever invite into our lives will come with a past. In that past will be people they strongly loved and cared about. Unless those people remain active in their lives, the memories are all they have left of them. We cannot take that from them. You are his present and future.
Make the best of it for the both of you. It touched my heart the way you described him. I would love someone to say such nice things about me. Competing with a person who actively participates in his life is one thing; competing with a "memory" is illogical. You can't honestly tell me there is not one man in your past you will never forget.
That you're never curious about what he's doing now. The lingering curiosity is not indicative that you still long for him.
Social media makes it possible to visit people in our past. That may make it harder to not peep into their lives. It will keep the "memory" alive longer; but the effects of these memories don't affect the feelings with the power they used to. Like a dead loved one you remember and grieved for. Eventually the subconscious will let go, knowing that person is gone; and we can and must move on.
My best to the both of you. You are lucky to have a man who has the capacity to love so deeply.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (4 June 2014):
 You are beating yourself up unnecessarily here. Your very last sentence says it all, 'By the way, he treats me very well and is affectionate and loving and supportive and sweet and we get along very well. I don't feel that I'm second best in the way he treats me at all'.As we get older we've all got a past and I'm sure you had boyfriends before you met your partner. I think it's only human nature for many of us to be curious about partners from previous relationships and I'm certain many people have a little peak at their ex on social media. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You've got him now and that's all that matters.
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