A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to post nude pics of myself on an amateur site . It excites me to imagine men getting off to pictures of my naked body . My husband is against it and says he will leave . He looks at other men's wives naked and at porn . Why is it ok for him to do that but not for me to fulfill my fantasies . I wouldn't show my face. To me this is a huge double standard
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 February 2017):
 No it is not double standards at all. If he was posting nudes off himself and not wanting you to then that would be double standards. Or if he watches porn but says he is going to leave you if you start watching it. Honestly is this fantasy worth the end off your marriage? Surely it is enough for you to keep your husband interested? If not then maybe you should not be married.
A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (24 February 2017):
The logic goes: somebody's wife has uploaded pictures of herself on an amateur site. OP's husband enjoys looking at those images.
If OP's husband is disgusted by the idea of his wife posting nudes of herself, how come he's not disgusted by the idea of somebody else's wife doing the same? On the contrary, he enjoys their pictures.
If that's not hypocrisy, I don't know what is.
So, OP, this wouldn't be something worth making an issue of, let alone ruining your marriage over. You can tell your husband that you're fine with dropping the idea of posting nudes of yourself, if he'll concede that he's a hypocrit about the amateur nudes thing.
So,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): You're a married-couple and there should be some boundaries.
The issues you are having are not of the usual marital-variety. I know people form their own perceptions of what they consider the ideal-marriage. Tossing old-tradition aside. After trial and error, they usually learn better in due time.
Technology and climate changes. Humans evolve, but human-nature doesn't change. Our behavior hasn't changed since we wrote on stone tablets and drew images on cave walls. We have to be true to our chosen mates!
Your husband watches porn, viewing images of naked women; and you want to pose for naked pics for other men to get-off on.
Can you see where a marriage might go wrong? Anything goes when you're single. When you take vows there is a bond and commitment you make; to forsake all others, and to be faithful to each other. Trust is the foundation that supports it all. Love is the glue that holds it all together.
Maybe it will resolve the ongoing conflict by getting a legal-separation; and filing for divorce. You can submit all the nudes you like online, and he can view all the porn he likes.
My dear, I know some modern-marriages are open or flexible. Some people have poly-amorous relationships with several participants; and some are swingers. As much fun as they are, the majority of alternative-style marriages end in divorce anyway. We're wired for monogamy and coupling; even when we try to go against it. Regardless of the anecdotes and arguments to the contrary. People can debate and make a good argument for worshiping the devil and murdering people. That doesn't make it right. Yes, many marriages end in divorce. Because people do things against each other; rather than for each other.
The purpose of marriage is to find a loving-mate and faithful partner. Someone whose devotion is meaningful and well-defined. Not all over the place. If marriage is only contractual, maybe for the sake of benefit-sharing or merging wealth (or protecting it); then draw-up and sign a good contract with some limitations and guidelines. As done in most legal-mergers.
You're in a very young age-bracket. Millennials eventually learn that some standards never change, and order applies in all facets of life. Entitlement does not overrule common-sense. Like a business, marriages only run smooth when everyone works together in partnership and as a team. Using compromise, discipline, common-sense, and by solving problems together. Respecting each others feelings; and being open to the others needs, opinions, and values.
Men have no real respect for the actors they view on porn. If you happen to be recognized by a neighbor, or a bunch of stupid adolescent boys; you'll feel a lot worse than your husband would. Not only do they get-off on the images, they would shame them if they had the chance. They would taunt and ostracize their own sisters and daughters; if they discovered she was doing porn. As hypocritical as that seems!
If you have of job of any real significance; your employer could be alerted by anonymous-tip or through hired sources that search the web for possible threats to their credibility or reputation. Welcome to the modern-world, they do spy on you.
If they hired you, they have a right to protect themselves from undue liability. They don't need careless employees tarnishing their reputation; or causing them public embarrassment. Even if you only serve customers in a fast-food chain for a living. You're exposed, no pun intended, to the public.
Your own family may find out. People assume there is no way anyone could find-out or completely identify who you are. This is the age of high technology. People will know by distinguishing marks, identify the background; or notice recognizable body-imperfections. Especially, If you wear revealing clothing that flatters your best physical-attributes, have scars, or tattoos. They'll recognize you immediately. There are no safe-guards online or guarantees you are protected. All they have to do is match-up Facebook images or other online public-profiles to your nudes, and presto!
Pictures can be traced back to their point of origin. Feel free to test the accuracy of that statement. Smart hackers consider that child's play.
I think you and your husband need to review what marriage really is. Decide if that is really what you both want right now. Perhaps it was a little too soon. You still have some wild oats sow, and may have decided on marriage before you were ready for it. He's not being unreasonable for not wanting you to share your naked body with other men. He is being unreasonable, as your spouse, to watch porn if it bothers you that he does.
Is your point to get even, because deep inside you resent him watching porn? Do you feel powerless, that any attempt to stop him would be futile? Do you want to prove to him that men would find you just as desirable and enticing as the naked women he lusts after? Does he make you feel less attractive then you know you really are? Does he fail to give you the reassurance you really matter to him?
Somehow I feel that's what's really behind this; even if you don't really realize it. You're a beautiful woman who probably feels under-appreciated, and your husband doesn't see it for all the porn-trash he consumes. You're also a very young woman.
My dear, there is a much better way to run a marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2017):
 I agree with YouWish,
You are comparing apples and oranges.
If he had issues with YOU watching porn or him posting nudes of himself, then I'd say it's a double standard. But he doesn't WANT you to be a "spank bank image" for other men and honestly? I get that.
You could ask if he is interested in YOU taking pictures for HIM and HIM alone. I think that would be fair. Sure a bunch of creepy horny strangers wouldn't see your picture but the man you (hopefully) love WOULD.
And I agree posting nudes online is NOT smart. It's NOT hard to trace pictures these days and the people who get a kick out of finding the original model (you) and exposing you, DO exist. Plenty of sick individual online. If you think not showing your face would keep you safe you are pretty naive.
Instead of this being HIM against you, why not find things that you BOTH find enticing? And both WANT to do WITH each other?
If YOU showing your body off to random strangers IS more important that how that would make your husband feel then don't BE married.
Having some boundaries in a marriage is the norm. If you don't like him looking at other NUDE women I think you ought to discuss that too.
Right now you post just sound like you two can't really communicate - maybe that could be another thing to work on?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 You posting nudes of yourself for others to look at is *not* the same as him looking at other people. Him posting pictures of himself nude would be the same as you posting nudes.
Watching porn is completely different to posting nudes. It's not a double standard.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2017):
 Actually, it's not the same thing, because you're not making the correct comparison.
The correct comparison is if you were looking at porn and he threatened to break up with you because of you getting off on other men (or women's) bodies. That's not uncommon, as statistics show that 1 in every 6 regular porn users, as in someone who uses porn as a masturbatory tool, is a woman. Women use porn too for the same reason men do.
The proper comparison for your argument is not whether or not your husband watches porn or gets off on other women's images, but if your husband were POSTING images of himself on porn sites. Again, all you have to do is go on any porn site and see guys do everything from jerking off on cam, having sex with other men and women, and even doing things like playing with toys (electro-stim, fleshlights, sex dolls, pillows, etc) all on cam for others to get off on.
What you want to do is not the same thing as what your husband does. You are making it personal while he is not. If he were posting nudes of himself online for other girls (or most likely other men) to get off on, then you would have a valid argument.
Something tells me that this isn't so much about you actually wanting to post yourself on a site, but rather you don't like that he watches porn, so you want to expose what you see is a double standard. In this case, you're drawing up an incorrect comparison, and your argument doesn't hold up. It would be better for you to simply say that his views on porn are incompatible with yours and work it out amongst yourselves as to how to proceed from there.
If I'm wrong, and you really *do* want to post nudes of yourself on a site for other men to ogle, then you should have stayed single, because when people get married, there are boundaries that don't exist for single people.
You don't have to do this stuff to compare yourself to other women. Watching porn isn't about comparing their looks to yours. You have nothing to prove! You don't have to show your husband that you're just as desirable to other men outside of your marriage, and that he is taking you for granted. You don't have to try to make him feel the hurt you feel when he looks at other women's bodies, because it's not the same thing. You should have a conversation about it, and if he wants to watch porn and you don't want to be in a relationship where that is in it, that's your right, and you can end the marriage.
But it's out of bounds in a marriage to make it personal and show nudes of yourself in pictures that never go away on the internet, just like it would be wrong for him to post nudes of himself in the same fashion. It makes it personal. WATCHING porn does not make it personal, as he is not offering his body up on a public website as you wish to do with yours, and you could just as easily and anonymously use porn as a sexual tool yourself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 I agree to it being a double standard. But would it really help you fulfill your fantasies if he stops looking at porn? Or are you only interested in doing this because he looks at porn?
I dont see how you can fulfill your fantasies AND have a happy marriage, in this case. It's bordering on cheating to post nudes of yourself. It's also bordering on cheating to look at porn, but it's in that gray area where each couple need to draw the lines themselves. And porn is generally accepted as innocent fun. To watch it, that is. Not to produce it.
Bottom line is, when married, you need to respect each others boundaries. It's not all about "myself" and yourself and you and me and I. It's about "us". What benefits you as a married couple? If posting pictures of yourself online makes him so uncomfortable that he would leave you over it, obviously that would not be good for the marriage. Likewise, if you feel his watching porn is a deal breaker, you need to state this and you both need to stop doing harmful things to the marriage.
Respect one another, first and foremost. Find common grounds and ways to express your sexuality and fulfill your fantasies that are not harmful to your marriage. Don't get stuck on the idea that only this can fulfill your fantasies. If you like the idea of exposure, I would suggest many other things you can do, that your husband might be interested in as well. Such as going to a swingers club, and only watching/being watched. Or having sex outdoors where the thought of being caught could be enough to excite you. Or wearing a top that reveals your nipples slightly, such things he might be ok with. But posting full nudes online is not smart, not for your own sake. Pictures can be traced, even if you don't show your face. And once they are out there, they will never go away.
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