A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently started a relationship with a guy I met 4 months ago. We went out a few times in the last 4 months before deciding we wanted to give a relationship a go. We recently started having sex and it turns out that he is really into rough sex and bum slapping and choking, all of which I'm not comfortable with. When I discussed this with him he thinks it's me being a feminist not liking the sort of dominating sex he likes. He is also not prepared to not have sex in that way. Is it unreasonable of me to think of that as selfish and uncaring behaviour? Or could the same be said about me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): I think part of determining the compatibility with your mate includes how you like to have sex. If there is no room for compromise or substitution; one partner ends-up being unwillingly submissive. That doesn't work in my book, and over-time you will feel like a victim. That is certain. You may get bruising or injured. Then when he's done choking and degrading you, he decides he wants to dump you. How do you think you would feel about yourself?
If you are not into rough-sex, be honest and don't force yourself to stick with some guy out of desperation to have boyfriend. You've only known the guy four-months, and getting brutalized during sex hardly seems to be worth it; if you don't like it. I'd gather he'd get pleasure out of beating you up. You have to be very careful about what you allow people to do to you. He could always blame bruises from domestic violence on rough-sex.
He may be into a lot worse than he has admitted. Perhaps you may want to reconsider keeping him around.
Neither of you are being unreasonable. He likes what he likes, and you don't like it. So you're the wrong type of woman for him. Cutting-off oxygen to your brain is dangerous
and it will most likely leave marks you'd have to explain.
Why is it hard for you to see he's not your type?
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (20 July 2016):
I think the other aunts have this pretty much wrapped up in regard to your question, I would just add that my view of him commenting about being a feminist if you don't want to engage in being slapped or choked in my view is actually misogynistic to be frank. His implication to me to to put you down, leave you self doubting which you clearly are to be asking, and to put such a strong dismissal and criticism of your view- has this flavour of misogyny to me I'm afraid.
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A
male
reader, leo1  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Romantically and sexually you both have different taste and those are some of the best pillars of a relationship. if your not comfortable with the way he does sex and your not willing to adopt his way or he is not willing to do it you way, its better you part
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 "Love" is when two people think enough of one-another to assure that both are having various needs met.
You described a situation in which HE thinks it's quite important that HIS needs are met (the kind of sexual activities that you described... and which you don't like..) BUT he thinks that meeting - or, even ADDRESSING your intimate preferences is grounds for him to belittle your preferences.
Do you want to spend a lifetime (or, ANY MORE time) with a creature like that????
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): I had a boyfriend like this and we split up ealier this year (maybe they are the same person! Lol) He was into choking and slapping but he was also massively controlling in the relationship full stop and I had a lot of problems with him. There's a certain personality type thats into this kind of thing and in my opinion it's doesn't make for a healthy, balanced relationship.
If you have doubts and warning signs go with your gut instinct. I ignored it and I was a fool too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): Being in a situation where you are having the kind of sex you dont like or want is a mega disaster and should not even be thought about until you have got the sex pest out of your life!Of course he wont understand or discuss it.He is just warming up to where he wants to go!I dont care if you barricade yourself in with sand bags but you must stop this disastrous situation!If necessary call the firebrigade to hose him down.Or the police to see him out!Better still dump he by text ,something like :"I have got a new boyfriend who is working for the police on cases of sexual abuse."Mr Macho will realise he is not welcome and will vanito and you can breathe a sigh of relief.Let him beat himself up and orgasm alone if thats his fetish but as its not your thing dont try to be reasonable and talk it through or he'll arrange to meet you in a lonely place at the dead of night when noone knows because he's not the talking kind!Never meet him again.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Now I hope you are not going to let him choke you just to show him how caring and selfless you can be , right ?
If he is not prepared to NOT have sex other than his way, I guess you have to be prepared to part ways. You are just very incompatible sexwise, which is a pity if you are compatible under other aspects, but- it would not work. He can't ( and should not ) be forced to have what for him is bland, vanilla sex- and you should not even be tempted to do something extreme , which goes against your grain, to show him how non- feminist ( ??? ) you are.
Oh btw... I am sure you remember the actor David Carardine ( KIll Bill ) ? He died in 2009 from SELF - erotic asphyxiation.
These choking games some times may go very wrong - wrong as in deadly, it's not as if it never happened so far !
Just saying...
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 July 2016):
 This isn't for you. One person gets pleasure from domination the other from submission. When entering this kind of relationship a good deal of trust is required. It is easy for things to go too far and there is a broad horizon of options for couples who are into it.
You might ask him how he would like a kick in the balls or tamakeri as it is known in Japan porn. If he was looking for Fifty Shades then I think he won't find what he is looking for with you. Do you agree?
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 What you have is not a bf but a wanker! Thats for the feminist comment. Is he being selfish...hmmm, no I don't think selfish just straight up honest. If that the way he rolls then thats the way he rolls. Are you being selfish, no i say the same thing is just about sexual compatibility. Unfortunately you guys aren't and thats probably the biggest problem in relationships failing.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 July 2016):
No you're not being unreasonable. I certainly wouldn't like to be choked or hit during sex and it's got nothing to do with feminism! As someone else said, he's just saying that to invalidate your opinion and try to shame you into doing what he wants, but by dismissing your opinion he's showing how disrespectful he is to you (and probably all women tbh). If he's like this after only 4 months I'd seriously consider cutting my losses now and finding someone who doesn't need to dominate and hurt his partner to enjoy sex.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Break up; you're sexually incompatible. He's not being unreasonable for liking those things, but he's being very unreasonable for trying to force you to change your mind. There's a big difference between vanilla choking, where it's not dangerous and both can like it, and choking that isn't mutually desired. Same goes for bum slapping; some people like it done a little, but not enough to actually hurt, but when it hurts, both people have to consent to it and *want* it. You don't want it. He won't change and you won't either; neither of you should have to (other than his crappy pushy behaviour), but it means you're not well-matched.
Also, feminism has absolutely nothing to do with what he said.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (20 July 2016):
I've always had the rule that if one person (of a couple) doesn't want to do something sexual that the other wants, they shouldn't do it. It will soon (if not immediately) ruin the compromising person's interest in having sex.
Years ago, a famous talk-radio psychologist (Dr. Laura Schlessinger) often said that couples shouldn't have sex before marriage (although she herself was outed as having an affair with another radio personality). I disagreed with that policy as there are such diverging likes and dislikes when it comes to sex, and two people have to enjoy the same things if they are going to have a happy relationship.
Sexuality is naturally uncompromising...gays aren't going to be straight, straights aren't going to be gay, and your boyfriend's sexuality isn't going to take on a romantic slant, just as you aren't going to become fond of slapping and choking.
Your relationship is ultimately doomed to fail. I would part ways now.
FYI, I believe that the vast majority of guys want the romantic version of sex or at least aren't into sexual violence. Your current boyfriend's tastes are in the minority. Also, I'm concerned that he would trivialize your dislike of dislike of rough sex. This guy doesn't seem like a keeper, anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): He is being unreasonable. He's refusing to compromise despite liking something that's a huge ask even in a committed comfortable long term relationship. You've only just got together and he thinks you should trust him enough to be choked by him. Choking is not safe, it should never really be done, even supervised, leave him, he just wants someone to submit to him and make him feel like the big man. He doesn't want a healthy give and take in a relationship.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 July 2016):
 You are not selfish. He is. You cannot make anybody have type of sex that person does not want to. That applies to him as well. I think you have a big decision to make given that he is unbending on the roughness. To me, that shows huge lack of respect for who you are and your wishes.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2016):
 What you like in bed has NOTHING to do with being a feminist or not, what a load of BS from him. My guess is, he is using that "feminist angle" to try and "shame" you into just going along with what HE wants. Like being a feminist is a bad thing? And not liking rough sex is a bad thing.
However, NEITHER of you are unreasonable, you two are JUST NOT sexually compatible.
He likes what he likes (rough sex), you like what you like (not rough sex).
Sorry, I'd let him go. Unless you overnight develop a taste for being slapped and choked during sex I don't really see the two of you having a healthy sex life and ... relationship.
It's only been 4 months. He is not a good match.
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