A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help. My boyfriend and I had been friends for a couple of years before dating. He had asked me out several times but I always declined. Mostly because I was in an on and off again relationship at the time and did not want to get him involved in that. Eventually my relationship ended, and me and my current boyfriend stayed friends up until February when after having had some time to get over my last relationship, it dawned on me that I was in love with him. He said he had feelings for me too and we decided to test out our feelings and see where it goes. That didn't go well. For the next six months my boyfriend was distant and aloof. I asked him several times if he simply did not have feelings for me and he assured me he did have feelings for me. I always knew in my heart that he loved me so I just gave him space. We continued hanging out and often in a romantic way but we had no clear defined relationship other than friends. We had told each other that we love each other and slept together about two months after confessing our feelings for each other and we both made it pretty clear to each other we did not want to see the other dating or sleeping with someone else. But even so he was fickle and often aloof. He used to always tell me when he goes out of town, his whereabouts and when he will be back. So I found it weird when I myself was out of town in June, and I emailed him to say hello, expecting to reach him at home and he told me he was out of the country, in a remote exotic location in the Caribbean with a "male" friend. I could smell bs. I asked why he didn't tell me he was leaving the country? Who's this friend? What's going on? Why didn't you invite me, I would've loved to go? He said I had nothing to worry about, he is just taking care of business down there, he said he loves me and to just relax. I just didn't buy it and our emails got nastier and nastier till we eventually blew up at each other and stopped communicating. We both came back from being out of town around the same time and didn't talk for like two weeks. Then I got a notice from my landlord giving me a two week notice to vacate my place. He was the first person I turned to as, no matter what, we had always been friends so I trusted him in times of need. When he found this out, (he lived in the same building too) he literally swept me up and said, if you have to leave, I am leaving too. He said, I am going wherever you go and we're leaving together. A couple days after that he broke down and told me the extent of how much he loved me and apologized profusely for not fully acting on it sooner and not being my boyfriend sooner. We left our building, he moved us into a way nicer building, took care of me in every way possible, fully committed, offered me a lifetime of commitment (marriage). We were on cloud 9. So happy. Love like you wouldn't believe. And then I saw his passport one day while we were straightening up and noticed the stamp from that vacation he took was not the place he said he was. He said, well I flew into that country and took a boat to the country I told you I was in. I asked if he was telling me the truth that he was there with a buddy. I begged him to be honest with me. He assured me what he had told me was the absolute truth. I said ok...Noticing that, however, opened a can of worms and so I did some snooping, I just had to know. And here is what I found out. He went down there with a GIRL who texted him one day and told him she was thinking of heading to this country because she needed a tan. He replied, let's go and booked them a suite at a high end resort in a remote beautiful beach for 3 days and 4 nights and flew her first class. Our relationship has been tumultuous, nasty and outright bitter since I found this out. The lying, the audacity to do that behind my back. It sucks because our love was so intense, I had not felt that for anybody. But the anger I feel for him has become more dominant than the love. When I confronted him he just said, I am sorry I was a bad boyfriend, I didn't know what I wanted at the time. But I am committed to you now. A part of me wants to forgive him and get over it because it is true, he wasn't committed at the time, he wasn't fully my boyfriend and I knew that. And I knew it was a matter of time before he would come around. And when he did, he was amazing. But then another part of me thinks how I was under the pretense that he loved me, he even told me he loved me, via email, while he was in this country with this other woman. It is so effed up. I find his actions gross. I am not sure I see him in the same light that I used to. I used to trust him and love him so deeply. I wish I could forget this and forgive him. I do not want to feel this way. But I cannot help it. I cannot erase it and it has affected me greatly. I don't think I am in love with him anymore. And it hurts me greatly to feel that way. He was my best friend. I am so confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2014): Im the OP. Ladies thank you so much for your answers. You both nailed it. It's like you say, next time I go out of town, who's to say he won't jet off to Uruguay or French Polynesia "on business." As for the girl he went on vacation with, she lives 3000 miles away. Therefore, I don't think he expected anything to blossom between them beyond that vacation. He said she is a buddy of his from back home who he has known for a very long time. This turned out to be true. He called her when I found out because he wanted me to talk to her so that she could confirm to me that they are "just" friends and that nothing happened. She was okay and willing to do that. I wasn't. I had already felt humiliated enough. It was definitely confirmed that they are just friends, it definitely does not seem that there is any romance between them, that, however, does not mean that they do not f*ck. So while it is confirmed that she is an old friend, I do not believe they didn't have sex. It is not her fault though. She seems like a nice person. Single girl, young, professional looking to have some fun. She did not know I even existed. But other than that, I do not know their history. Cindy Cares, he did understand that he screwed up and he certainly was remorseful. The thing was, I did not know why he was feeling remorseful or what he screwed up about. Because I did not know what he had done. When he swept me off my feet and moved us in together and committed to me fully, he was in tears. He was crying profusely, apologizing profusely for not "committing" sooner, he held me and let me know over and over that I am the best thing he has and that has happened to him, he begged for my forgiveness for not realizing it sooner and asked if we could start fresh on a clean slate. He admitted he was an idiot, that I was right about everything (referring to other issues that might or might not have played a role in all this). Assured me he loved me and would be the best boyfriend ever, no more bs. I could sense he was ridden with guilt but at that point I did not know what on earth he was feeling so guilty about. At that point I had no idea about the trip with this other woman. But I knew that this man who had been fickle with me was suddenly totally devoted to me and profusely apologetic for not having done so sooner. He definitely felt very bad and tried his hardest to redeem himself. But his m.o. was: I am so remorseful, I am ridden with guilt, I am so sorry I was not a good boyfriend and even though I am omitting a large part of the story, and I can't and won't tell you what I did (e.g. I was a complete jerk to you beyond your knowledge) I hope, without me having to explain why, you can forgive me and we can move forward and be happy. And that is what we did. And we were on cloud 9. Suddenly we were talking marriage, he introduced me to his family. And it didn't surprise me because I always knew this guy loved me. Everything was cool until I found out what he had done. And in hindsight, it was then I realized why he had felt so bad. But I felt that he should've told me about that and given me a choice in the matter. THAT bothers me. The dishonesty is what makes me cringe. He pulled me into a relationship with him without me having all the facts. He went to see a couple's therapist last week. He keeps putting effort to try to make things work. I think that is why I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. That and the fact that we have been pals for such a long time and because of that I am more willing to give him a chance than somebody who I had never had a long term friendship with. I find therapy stupid. It isn't that hard to make a relationship work. Just love the one you are with.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2014):
 I don't know OP, ...IMO, either way back then you were just friends ( although with benefits, since occasionally you were sleeping together ). Ergo, what he did in the caribbean was not even really your business to begin with .
OR, you were boyfriend and girlfriend. As it would seem since you made clear to ech other that you did not want to see the other dating or sleeping with other people. This sounds like a pact of exclusivity to me. ( Apparently he chose to take it literally, i.e. he did not let you SEE him sleeping with another woman- because he was abroad and you weren't there- but that's clearly playing dumb, isn't it ? ).
To me it sounds as if it was your understanding then that you HAD a bf, although occasionally aloof and fickle, as bfs can be.
In conclusion, twist it and turn it as you want, he CHEATED on you. It was planned, intentional and remorseless. Now things have changed and he would not betray your trust anymore ?.. Maybe. But , and what about what he DID already ?.
Should you forgive him ?.. Tough question. On one hand , yes, everybody deserves a second chance after they screwed up.
On the other hand, I feel that everybody deserves a second chances, if they understand that they screwed up and are remorseful. Your bf does not seem to be. He just says that " he did not know what he wanted then ". Bullshit. He knew what he wanted, he wanted to f..k her. And it took him some doing to engineer that, booking, paying, covering up with lies.... it wasn't like a drunken, semi-conscious slip up. Anyway his excuse is the lamest ever . " Oh , I did not know if I really wanted to work in this shop, that's why I made away with the content of the cash register ". " Oh I did not know if I really liked the apartment I rented, that's way I made a total wreck of it and left it in shambles ".
If he did not know what he wanted- he should have left you alond and single until he knew for sure !
He does not sound that good to take responsibility for his actions, so this does not bide well for the future.
Then again, ultimately it's up to you, the type of personality you have, the way your mind works. Can you forgive AND get over it ? Completely ? Would you trust him, or would you be suspicious any time he is out of your sight / late in coming home / talking to a woman ? Would you be able to consider that ONE single abherrant episode, and never bring it up again, never hold it over his head ,never let something that happened in the past make you feel anxious or insecure in the present ?...
Some of us can, sone cannot. You know yourself best and you can choose. If you are willing to be very honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 October 2014):
 There is no confusion here OP. This guy is a cheat and he is not to be trusted. He lied to you, he deceived you, he went on vacation with another women, he had sex with her...for all you know he probably is...and believe me OP, you know in your heart of hearts that you can never really trust him.
I've been through much of what you mentioned with a cheating boyfriend OP. I loved him with all my heart and he cheated on me. Yes, it felt like my world had come crashing down and that I couldn't even bear to tell anyone about what he'd done because my family and friends and even his family were so happy for us because we seemed perfect together. I tried very, very hard to keep it going OP. I tried to put it all behind me and gave everything that I had to the relationship but somehow I just couldn't. It wasn't just the cheating, it was the fact that no matter what, I could never trust him again. Every time I was away from him, I would keep thinking, "Who's he talking to?, Who's he chatting with online? Why is he late? What if that girl contacts him again? What if he finds someone else?"
The irony in this situation is that I was so much better than him in every way and yet he made me feel like shit. He was eleven years older, short and balding and yet somehow, I was the one sitting at home wondering what he was up to, when really, it should have been the other way around!
Trust me OP, its not worth all the trouble. Your boyfriend is just dishing a load of bullshit when he says that he didn't know what he wanted at the time. He did. He knew EXACTLY what he wanted. He wanted HER. Maybe things didn't work out with her and this is why he's come crawling back to you. And how can you be so sure that he wouldn't do this again?
OP now that I've been through this, I can tell you one thing for sure..there's a reason why they say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Once the trust is broken and shattered and that too in a way like this, you cannot make things work. And my advice to you would be to not put yourself through this. Its not worth the pain. You know it wont work out, you're just the dragging the inevitable and delaying the break-up.
Don't let your feelings for this man cloud your decision. He didnt love you, he was just lying to you when he was sleeping with another women.
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