A
female
age
30-35,
*ieutenant
writes:I met this guy at a friend's party a little over 2 months ago; he was really sweet and funny and about 2 days after the party, my friend told me that her friend told her that he was asking for my number, because he was not a direct acquaintance of my friend.So she asked if it was ok to give her friend my number so that he could give it to the guy; I told her that it was ok, so she did. On the evening of the same day, he called me and asked if I wanted to go out and I said that I would like to. We went out the next weekend (because that was the only time we were both free) for coffee at a cute little cafe. Since then he's been incredibly nice and "getlemanly"; flowers, chocolate, the whole shebang.Last week, the same friend whose party I met this guy called my phone an innumerable number of times. My phone was switched off the whole time because I wasn't in the country. As soon as I turned my phone back on, I received messages from my service provider that I had missed calls from her. And then I get an sms that she needed to talk to me asap.I call her back and she tells me that this man is married. I asked her how she knew and she told me that she saw facebook pictures of him, his wife and his little girl. I don't have a fb so I had to look at his profile using my friend's profile. I texted him and asked him when he was going to tell me about his wife and daughter and his reply was "what are you talking about?". I told him that I saw his fb pictures and at first he lied that it was his sister and his niece and later admitted that it was his wife and daughter. I told him to get lost, but he's not getting the message. Now I really just want to contact his wife and tell her what her husband has been up to. I don't want to break up his marriage but he really is the scum of the earth and I feel like she needs to know. Besides, he's not showing any remorse by consistently contacting me when i've made it clear i'm not going to reciprocate contact. If he's done this with me, he's probably done it with other girls. Is it a good idea to contact his wife? Or should I just threaten to contact his wife so he stops texting me?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Personally would you like to know if he were your husband acting like this?
For me, I’d want to know from someone who is respectful enough not to reciprocate contact and by someone who told him to get lost. Later he’d be in of a right royal verbal flogging if he were my husband! He’d also be sleeping with one eye open!
But HOW would I like to be informed of his inappropriate goings on? Clearly this sort of information would be very hurtful especially if SEX had taken place, instead of just flirting with flowers and chocolates...
The unknown quota is that you do not know this man after 2 months as to what he could be capable of if you were to inform or threatened to inform his wife!? It is possible that his consistent contacting has to do with him wanting to tell his side of the story (lies), to possibly ensure you don’t go blabbing and to walk away.
But in any situation like this, where one feels the need to tell the other spouse, the price not only falls on the injured party (wife and child) but could also place the informant (you) in danger; or be accused of being a home-wrecker, regardless of their good moral stance.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I think it's a good idea to use the threat of calling his wife to leverage his co-operation.
Use your friend's Facebook profile to gather up whatever information you can on her (and possibly any mutual friends), then warn him that if you hear from him again, directly or indirectly you will ring his wife.
Do NOT listen to or ask for explanations or excuses. It doesn't matter how cold or nasty he claims his wife is or how unhappy his marriage is or how over he wants you to believe it is. No personal tragedy, past or present, would justify his conduct.
Then block him and thank your friend for giving you this important information. He certainly wasn't going to tell you any time soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 I would block him (his number) and I would tell whomever GAVE him your number(with your permission) that the fucker is married. ( or was that the same friend that called and told you?) I would without FAIL make sure ALL your friends know about this guy. Somehow he managed to get friendly with someone in your circle, would doubt he'd try another girl if he can get away with it.
Your friend did right by you. She got hold of you as soon as she found out. GOOD friend!
I would also consider the restraining order. However it might be hard to get.
If he contacts you again, have you considered telling him:" Do I need to tell your wife you won't leave me a alone?" and see how he reacts. It might be enough to make him stop.
I'm usually on the wall with the whole telling the wife. I don't think it's HER job to monitor her husband and "make" him behave. On the other hand BEING a wife, YEA I'd like to know if my husband acted like scumbag behind my back. If you have PROOF that is undeniable maybe I would consider it. But a few phone calls and texts doesn't prove much. I would NOT waste any more time trying to "trick" him into getting some evidence.
What a Douche-Lord. Glad you didn't get more invested in the guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): I think SOMEONE should tell the wife because in her position I would want to know so that there are no more wasted years on the scumbag and no more lives created in this farce of a marriage. In her shoes, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?If you did what the other respondent said ie. spread the word all it will become is a rumour with no concrete evidence and in some versions you will have been the scorned woman who is now seeking vengeance. When and if the wife finally hears it, it won't have any weight. She might even spread word about you chasing after her husband.It's sadly become common in our society to turn a blind eye to everything that doesn't harm us - even if it harms somebody else. I find this really sad.When you tell the wife, it doesn't need to be dramatic. You can tell her how awkward this is for you to tell her and how you weren't sure you were the best person to know or whether that's part of their marital agreement. You can share all these doubts with her and explain to her that at the end of the day, you thought she deserved to know - even if she has to hear it from a stranger. You can share with her how in her shoes, you would want to know and you can say you hope you've done the right thing. Then you can go your separate ways.I would suggest that you arrange to meet with the wife so that she sees the truth in your eyes. You can even go with your friend if it's hard for you to go alone. In my view, this would be the best thing to do.The next best thing would be to send her a message on facebook or by email telling her everything and advising her to check his cellphone bill printout to check for your number to verify your story. You can name the place and times where you met up and how he tried to hide his marriage etc. And again, tell her you thought that she should know.You do not have to stick around after informing her. You do not have to have further contact with her and you can decline to communicate anymore than this. If she has any sense, she will do her own digging and find out the truth.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Do not go tell his wife. No matter what, in her eyes, YOU are the home wrecker- despite your complete lack of knowledge of his marriage. You do not want to be on a furious wife's bad side, because that kind of heartbreak can drive someone crazy.I agree with BimBim, tell him that you have records of the texts and if he does not stop that you will get a restraining order. That SHOULD stop him in his tracks.I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I see so many stories on here all the time about people being lured in by a married person. It is never worth the trouble and your best bet is to get out and leave it behind you, which I'm happy to see you doing. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Telling the wife is not a good idea, however, if all your communication, ie asking about wife and child, and then telling him to get lost, and him not getting that message was via text you could tell you have kept copies of all texts, and tell him if he doesn't stop harassing you it will leave you with no option but to take them to the police and ask about restraining orders.
And don't forget to spread the word amongst your friends and their friends that he is a cheating husband/father. Word will get back to his wife, and then it is up to her what she does about it.
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A
female
reader, Rodz +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Personally, I wouldn't bother. Im 99% sure. Your not the first girl he does that to. And sadly you won't be the last.
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