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age
41-50,
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writes: i am struglling very hard to get over a bad relationship. I slept with a guy who has a gf becuase he fed me promises of us being together but he never left her but still he was contacting me.I have tried really hard to distance myself from him but the problem is that we are in school together and i see him everyday and he is in alot of our study sessions...there are days when i can be in his vicinity for close to 6 hours in a day. I get really upset when i hear him talking to his gf on the phone and it makes me go home and cry.i have thought of calling him and telling him how much he has hurt me but i fear that this may feed his ego.im have also tried moving schools but i think this is stupid because i will be set back by a year. i dont know what to do i am constantly being reminded of him and his gf. how do i get over this? it is easy to say just ignore him which i do but it is impossible for my emotions to subside if i keep seeing him.please i need advice. I cant seem to get out of this cycle of unhappiness. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): "I can't seem to get out of this cycle of unhappiness".
What these Aunts are saying is you have to make wiser choices and to put yourself and your needs first. Decide if a man is good enough for you, not the other way around that always leads to heartbreak. So you made a mistake, so now you learn from it and forgive yourself and go on. Do not let this man's rejection of you define you. It doesn't mean that you are not good enough. It means that he isn't good enough for you to be in a relationship with.
So you had sex, you got what you wanted and so did he. Handle it with the same casualness and callousness as he has, hold your head up high and forget about him.
He was never anything to you anyway....why the turmoil over such a nothing?
Learn to choose a better guy next time. Keep sex at bay for quite awhile if you want to know what a man's intentions are. Sex does not equal love, it will not get you a relationship with a man, quite the opposite is often the case. You can actually use sex to distance yourself from men and keep yourself from getting the intimacy and reciprocal relationship that you really want and deserve.
Ask yourself why you are being so self destructive in your choices and you will be on your way to not repeating the same pattern over and over again.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 February 2010):
 Okay, I'm not judging you here, I'm wondering if you have created some of this drama yourself because you are subconsciously trying to distract yourself from another stressor. I'm guessing that school is challenging you now? How have you been doing with your classes and exams and projects?
Had you been getting enough sleep before you got entangled with this guy? I'd say your judgment was poor--you know that already--but maybe it's for a reason that you haven't identified yet.
Let's take the focus off him and his girlfriend and put it back on you. You're going to have to figure out how to harden your heart, grow a callous over the spot that has been injured by him. You've given him way too much control over your feelings and now it's time to take it back. Stop any revenge fantasies, stop any fantasies about being with him. Look at him as though he were a stranger, someone who you see on the bus occasionally but have never had any intimacy with. THAT's how you treat him from now on.
If a thought of him pops into your head, wear an elastic band (like a hair band) around your wrist, and SNAP it when that thought occurs. Every time. We are going to distract your brain with the physical pain. Eventually, your brain will remember that pain follows the thought of him and that's where it'll go, and you won't even have to thwap that band round your wrist.
Now do a ritual cleansing of him from your interior life by having an external purge of any pictures, possessions, gifts, ANYTHING personal that he may have given you. You are going to take those items and have a little burn session. Find a fireplace or somewhere where you can safely burn these items. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions of longing and desire, followed by the anger and fury, let it all out, yell and scream and rage. Gather yourself then, place those items into that fire, along with the letter you have written to him, a scrap of paper that says "I could have loved you" and BURN it. Watch these things blacken and curl and burn and vaporize. I think it would be a good idea to ask a few close friends to support you in this ritual cleansing, so that they witness this erasure of him from your physical life, then from your mental life.
Create a mental picture of yourself, happy and well and laughing, surrounded by friends supporting you with love and care. Find yourself a touchstone that will remind you of those positive feelings and carry it with you in your pocket. This touchstone symbolizes love and positivity; that's your new focus.
If you don't wear glasses, buy a pair that have clear, nonprescription lenses, and imagine that those lenses are a barrier to him. Wear them at school when you have to be in his presence. They will act as an actual blocking thing that will keep you focused on what you need to accomplish at school.
Out with him and any negativity.
In with your friends and family and positivity.
You have given enough time to this loser and any more is wasted hours in your lifespan. Good luck in school now, turn your energy to doing positive things for yourself.
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (5 February 2010):
 Jane, the aunts arent trying to berate you, theyre trying to help you recognise how to move forward with this. You have been through a painful learning experience, but that is how you should feel about it - something which has taught you, and you know you wont be making this mistake again, right?
As for trying to feel better right now - you are in a horrible position, anyone can sympathise with that. You're right, moving schools would be a bad idea; it would set back your education, as you say, but it is also not the best thing to just run away from your problems. You can distance yourself from the guy, but not your thoughts and feelings about the situation by just escaping your school.
It sounds like you're not getting much support from your friends - if this is the case i would strongly recommend having a thorough conversation with the ones you feel closest to, explaining that you realise what you did was wrong and want to move on, and need their support. The good ones probably wont agree with what youve done, but will stand by you. Get out your feelings with them - talking to other people can be extremely cathartic - and find other things to detract your attention from this guy; throw yourself into your studies in class so you barely even notice he's there, and do anything to get your mind off him when youre alone - music, writing, art, whatever you like.
It will obviously take time to move on, there isnt a quick fix, and being around him constantly will make things more difficult, but its true that time heals; in the meantime work on forgiving yourself and finding ways to be happy despite what has happened.
Good luck. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI KNOW I MADE A MISTAKE and i am trying to make up for it . i don't appreciate the comments that i set myself up and i created the situation. I KNOW ALL THAT and i have had enough trashings from my friends. I am asking HOW DO I MOVE ON NOT HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 The issue here is not him - I really dont want to sound harsh or nasty but I think you need to try and look at this situation differently. The problem is you, you have brought this on yourself.
You knew he had a girlfriend, so you were happy to engage in the act of cheating all because he fed you a line. You allowed him to use you - you basically offered yourself up on a plate to him as his bit on the side.
Unless you can take control of yourself, think about situations clearly and stop allowing men to use you then you will never be happy.
At least you have now learnt that when a man who is in a relationship claims he will leave his partner for you, it never happens.
This is not the sort of man you want to be in a relationship with anyway. I mean, do you really want to date a known cheater? The chances are if he would cheat on one girlfriend, then he would do the same to you. Raise your standards a bit! Dont be the other woman, dont settle for some idiot who likes to sleep around and lie to his girlfriend. You can do better than that!
You cannot change the situation now, you just have to learn from your mistakes and move on. Of course it is going to be painful for a while - this man used you for sex, that is never a nice feeling. Allow yourself to be hurt and angry for a bit, but make sure you learn the lessons from the experience so you know never to get into such a situation again.
You need to raise your standards and be stronger - never allow anyone to use you again. This man is a little glitch in your life - just a bad mistake and an error of judgment. Dont waste any more time being upset over him and his girlfriend, move on and find someone that deserves you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): You're going through a bad patch... But you were brave and did the right thing. If you live through this pain now you will be stronger. So don't move schools - you are right. Don't contact him either - you are right about that too...
Talk to friends and to people in your circle so they know he does this. It will also be a support for you. Cry if you want to... Give yourself time. And be kind to yourself.
You are very brave for breaking it when you did...All you need now is to deal with your emotions so go to friends and take weekend breaks to be with the people who will pamper you. This too shall pass.
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