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female
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anonymous
writes: Sorry this is a little long, but I am desperate for advice!!! I didn’t find out my husband looked at porn until after we got married and lived together (he lied to me about it for the 3 1/2 years before we married). I am 21 (still get hit on by guys (and girls) all the time, even though I’m married, and I get told frequently that whoever my husband is must be very lucky) I used to be horney all the time, but now I just cant enjoy making love as near as much as I used to (and want to). It has been the WORST thing to happen to our relationship. I know for a fact that if I knew about him lying about watching porn before we got married, without a doubt I would have left him. Me and him just can’t seem to get through this because neither one of us can understand why the other feels the way they do. He can’t understand how it hurts me and how it is degrading and makes me feel completely unattractive to him; and how I feel if he really loved me then he wouldn’t be able to get pleasure out of something that is hurting me (as well as our relationship). And I cant understand at all why he looks at it; for one thing we have the same schedules and are always home at the same time; another, he says that he finds porn disgusting after he relieves himself; another, he feels he is justified in watching it because he could be doing worse things to me like cheating, and I asked him "so you think it is okay to hurt me a little, as long as you don’t cause the ultimate pain by cheating on me?" and he said no but couldn’t tell me anymore.In reality, at this point I feel like I would love for him to cheat on me, just to get out of this marriage, my feelings for him are more like I would have for a really good friend, I don’t truly love him like I once did. I left him a couple a weeks ago, but I came back after almost a week to get a few more things, and he really wanted me back, so I staid. Supposedly he isn’t looking at it anymore, but there really is no real way for me to tell because he has told me 5 times since I found out that he would stop, but I always found out he still did, he got better at hiding the evidence on the computer every time I found out, so I cant help but think that maybe he mastered hiding them this time (he is basically a computer nerd, and would know just what to do). I hate being left with a constant doubt in my mind all the time, I hate feeling that it is necessary for me to look over his shoulder because I cant trust him, I hate not being able to enjoy sex anymore. I feel like I want to leave him, but don’t know if I should. I don’t know if he finally saw (by me leaving) that his viewing porn is tearing us apart and he wants us to be together...or if he lied to me again and is more sneaky about it now. I feel it is wrong for me to give up so soon on our marriage (only 8 months), but at the same time I feel like I may never be able to trust him again, and every minute he is not right by me I cant help but want to know exactly what he is doing. I want to know if you guys and girls really think he stopped looking at it this time, and if so how do I gain my trust I used to have with him back. I am up for any suggestions or comments anyone has... please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): I'm going through the same thing. I feel very unattractive, not good enough, and can't get into sex with him anymore. When we first got together it was 2 times a day, and now Its like once a week or every 2 weeks. I'm battling cancer and I wonder if that's the reason why he is looking at porn because I'm sick. I don't know but i do know it is really heartbreaking because I don't know what to do to get back being close to him. Life is really hard. All i do know is cry and wonder why am i sick and why is it happening to me, and is he not attracted anymore because I'm sick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): I found porn dvds and kicked my partner out there and then. I've heard all the excuses from a guy at work gave them to me or i've had them for ages. Pathetic i mean if theres nothing wrong with it why do they hide it???
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): I am a married male and I too look at Porn, it doesnt mean I love or care for my wife any less. A month ago my wife confessed she has had an affair, now that is a lie and something to really get upset about. Dont end your marriage just because he looks at Porn, it doesnt really matter so long as he respects you dont want to see it and doesnt do it when you are around? On the score of my wife cheating, we have been together for 17 years and always been happy, we have never had any problems and its because of this that I am doing my best to forgive and forget and get on with our marriage. Hell she nows if she does it again that will be it, the end of our marriage, I know your husband has looked at porn again but he doesnt see why it should hurt you as your not around when he's doing it and hay, its not cheating is it! My wife didnt know I looked at Porn but in talking after she had told me about the affair I told her the only secret I ever had was that I had porn videos, she didnt seem to mind but then I dont know if thats because her secret was so much bigger than mind!
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reader, Trixie +, writes (10 April 2006):
 On the male perspective sent in regarding porn being a male sexual urge and it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I can agree with that, but the question is, is he choosing pornos over her, when she was available, but he made that choice anyway, and she isn't "sexually" getting enough? I am curious as to whether porn watchers (with the wife as a fun thing to do occasionally to spice things up is fine with me-excluding wife is not) substitute wives because that way they can relieve themselves without giving "love" and the "foreplay" that women need to feel loved at times. Sex is good just to have sex once in a while, but a woman needs affection outside of the bedroom, kissing, caressing, and foreplay during the "love" act. I wonder if the husband has intimacy issues to begin with-and porn is replacing not having to be intimate. Just some thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2006): Hello I have been battleing this issue also. I found my husbands porn collection right after our 1st anniversary. He got rid of it and promised to not do it again. A few years later I found out he had been looking at porn on the computer. He said it was an accident. It has supposebly been 3 years since he has looked at anything pornagraphic. I haven't found anything so I suppose I should believe him. I still don't totally believe or trust him. Also I don't feel close to him physically anymore. His touch does nothing for me and actually turns me off more than anything now. I have always been a very sexual woman.I don't know if I can trust anything he says. And it would be a relief if he would just leave me. I am not the kind of person to choose to end a marriage but if he would cheat or choose to end the marriage I would be ok with it. I feel like I'm stuck in this and don't know how to make it better.
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reader, MissMo +, writes (24 March 2006):
Good luck finding a man that doesn't look at porn occasionally. Most men do it, and as the other person said, it MEANS nothing about how much they love you or how desireable they find you.
He married you - he must love you. He's not having sex with these women, nor does he have an emotional connection with them. I know that the thought of him watching porn is kind of nasty to you... but he's not a sick pervert for watching and getting turned on. Have you ever seen those movies? Some of them are pretty sexy and arousing, actually.
I'm not sure that you need to end your marriage over this issue. I suggest that you talk to a counselor or something, so that you can figure out ways of compromising and saving your marriage.
Don't have unrealistic expectations of your husband. He's a man, doing regular man things. If something he does bothers you, let him know. I actually think he's respecting you by keeping his porn out of your sight (by "hiding it", as you call it). Don't go looking for it, because you're just gonna get mad at what you find. He doesn't talk to you about it, nor does he watch it around you... why can't you just let it be? It's like you're looking for an excuse to fight with him. Don't snoop around!
I'm a woman with a porn-watching boyfriend. I've come to terms with it, developing a more open-minded attitude. At the end of the day, I know my boyfriend loves me and is committed only to me. If your boyfriend's habits make you feel undesireable, tell him to help you with this insecurity! Tell him to verbally compliment you, to make you feel sexy. I believe you 2 can work it out!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Harshbutfair, my marriage isn’t perfect besides the porn problem. My husband has an anger management problem, to make a long story short, me and him had a long talk recently, and he came out and told me that he has known he has had a problem, but since he wanted to get into the Military, he didn't want to take a chance in them revoking him because they saw he had an anger problem, so he did nothing about it, also he thought being in the military, he would get into trouble if he took the classes. He has been in the Military for almost a year now, and he found out that he won’t get into trouble if he volunteers himself to take the classes. Anyways, he starts taking the anger classes in the beginning of May. I am hoping that they will help him realize how much we need marriage counseling as well. This is why I ended up staying after I left a few weeks ago. He told me that he would try to get help if I staid and supported him through it, because he couldn't do it without me.I want to help him, but before he has never let me. This is why everything is so hard, because I can see him trying to better himself in one aspect, but the other (porn) I can't be sure. There has been no physical evidence lately, except when I knew he was looking at porn he rarely showed any interest in sex with me, and now he wants it almost every night. But then again, I did complain to him about him never wanting to have sex with me, so I can’t help but think it is just another way for him to hide that he still looks at it, because he has lied too many times. It's just like Anonymous wrote "every little lie he tells me brings all the doubts back to overwhelming flood level" and it is hard to bring that flood level down after so many times. Male Anonymous, if porn meant nothing to my husband, and supposedly I mean everything to him (after all he married me), then why can’t he give it up? If porn really meant nothing to a man then he should easily be able to give it up for the woman he loves, especially if he is attracted to her. I could care less if he masterbates because of his sexual urges, I have done it many times, there is just no excuse for a man to look at porn because he already has natural sexual urges.It is hard to say I am giving him this one last chance, because my thoughts can be so overwhelming that I want to leave right away, but I also have my college classes keeping me here as well. I do love him, but I don’t feel in love with him anymore. I don’t know if he deserves me staying to help him through anger management. There is a chance of them helping him, and it is making me raise my hopes for our relationship again. I try not to raise my hopes because I don’t want to be let down so hard, but it is really hard not to. Any more advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006): i would like to tell you that i am going through something similar , in fact , when i read this i thought "oh my god! this is me!"
i too feet i would be bad to quit on my mariage so soon, and i too thought that my leaving for a week would shock him into stopping and i am no wiser now!
but i do know every little lie he tells me brings all the doubts back to overwhelming flood level and if i had the guts i would leave, i dont right now, but maybe one day.
but really male anon 99%! i truley question this as many men have morals and respect for women , many!
and i used to masterbate more than 4 time every week maybe once twice every day but i never used degrading pornographic images to do so .
masterbation is not an excuse for porn!
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reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (23 March 2006):
 Sounds to me like there is more to this than just your husband watching porn. So if your marriage is good in all regards you would leave him over him watching porn? Or are there other problems.. ? A followup would be useful, to understand.
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reader, d4u04 +, writes (23 March 2006):
 If you're this paranoid honey then it's really not worth the aggrovation it's causing. Lying once, admitting it then changing is one thing but continually lying to the point where he probably doesn't realise he's doing it anymore is beyond acceptable, I believe people can change after one lie, but to repeat the lie over and over again is just falling to the bottom of the slippery slope and he will never change while he's still with you, just get the divorce over and done with so you can both move on. And don't let him guilt trip or sweet talk you into getting back together again, because you'll just be in exactly the same position as you are now a few months down the line.
good luck and I hope it works out x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): I thought I would just offer a male perspective here. The fact that he looks at porn bears no relation to whether he loves you or not. There is no emotion involved when he looks at porn, all he is doing is relieving a sexual urge.The first answer to your question says "If he's addicted to porn, then he's already made his choice concerning you." As I said before, his looking at porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You should know that 99% of the men on this planet will have looked at porn, every single one of us has sexual urges we can't repress. Most young men will jack off 3-4 times a week, maybe more. You can't refer to this as an addiction like you might say someone is addicted to alcohol because this is a matter of the natural urges we feel.I agree he shouldn't lie to you about it and I can also see your point of view. However, I thought I should say that looking at porn has no emotional content for him, and certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive.
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reader, Holly1 +, writes (23 March 2006):
I have also been married for 8 months. When I think of my relationship with my husband i know it is built apon trust. It sounds as if you have lost your trust in your husband. I know that if I didn't trust my husband I couldn't be with him. Hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): Do yourself a favor and divorce him. If he's addicted to porn, then he's already made his choice concerning you. Don't waste anymore of your time with him (you'll only be kidding yourself).
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