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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been together for five years. We became engaged in September of 2020 and then moved in together in December 2020. I was over the moon and life couldn't be better UNTIL he decided, seemingly out of the blue, to move out after only 2 months of living together. He told me he got scared and got cold feet and didn't know what he wanted even though he did love me and never stopped. Well, fast forward to March of this year. He contacted me after I went no contact with him since December when he walked out on me. I was grieving his loss and honestly there was never a more profoundly painful time in my entire life. I told myself a man who really loves you would not abandon you that way. He was not even sure why he left and never gave me a real explanation as he said he himself did not know why. Only that he was messed up and scared. I guess he just ran away, rather than work through whatever it was with me, as a team. It just seemed like such a selfish act with complete disregard to my heart. He had no idea the level of pain he was inflicting on me and it seemed his feelings mattered more. The toll it took on me physically and mentally is beyond description. I truly did not know how I would come back from that. My self esteem and self worth sunk low. And I still feel bad about myself today. When someone leaves you that way, it leaves you feeling like you are not good enough, worthless and unlovable. My confidence is not very high these days, certainly nowhere near where it used to be when I met him. But he was so remorseful and regretted what he did. He told me he loves me and that he wants me in his life and his future. That his life was empty without me. And that he is working with a therapist to become a better man, the kind of a man that I need. He said he would never let me down again. As if that is supposed to erase all the suffering I went through. And the fact I still feel resentment towards him for what he put me through, even though I still do love him and am trying to have empathy for his position. We have been talking everyday. I have not yet agreed to see him face to face. We are in the middle of a pandemic. And I am still guarded.I want to give us another chance. And as much as I love him, I am afraid of him. And I find myself worried that if I give him another chance, he will break my heart all over again. And I can't go through that level of suffering and pain again. It caused me an emotional breakdown. I would have to be vulnerable and place my heart in his hands. That takes an incredible level of trust and forgiveness. I want to just give him that trust. But I am scared that he will hurt me again when the going gets tough or when he decides he is afraid of commitment. He bailed on me once. Am I supposed to live with the fear he will do it again? Or can a man really make a mistake and realize it later? And try his hardest to make it right? Is it okay to forgive and have faith in someone sometimes, after they hurt you? Isn't that what love is all about? Forgiveness? Understanding? Second chances? But what about honoring yourself and not allowing people to hurt you because you are worthy of being loved properly and wholly without being abandoned? I am having a tug of war with my feelings at the moment. I have decided to go into therapy and have asked him to go to therapy with me. I want to make this work. He explained his demons to me and he is working through them in therapy and says he is becoming a changed man for the better. Can I trust this man? Is he WORTHY OF ME and MY LOVE? Can I place my heart in his hands without putting my walls up and driving him away eventually? I love him but love makes you do stupid things. Like trust people you shouldn't. I want to trust him. But SHOULD I?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): While it is admirable you have asked a question and take on board the opinions I personally urge you to at least attend couples counselling as he is willing to do this.At the end of the day no one on here knows him and you owe it to yourself to at least have the chance to hear each other out properly. Counselling doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation it can also conclude the relationship needs to end.No one knows why he really left, it's am opinion it would have been for someone else, that is not a definite.I am going through an almost similar situation and I totally understand how you feel, but in my case I realize I am very much anxiety attached and my ex partner is avoidant, look up and research the attachment theory, it makes sense!Something spooked your ex partner and I think you will ultimately regret not hearing him out and vice versa.Best of luck in what you decide
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 April 2021):
 While I think self-improvement and self-exploration are ALWAYS a good thing, what happened IS NOT your fault. you, in fact, had no say in what happened. He just left.
He didn't TALK to you. He didn't express those "feelings" he had. But now... he can?
And what about NEXT time he gets "SCARED" or has feelings?
Are you supposed to just accept that kind of treatment? To be treated as a "toy" with no feeling he can just toss and pick up as HE feels like it?
Absolutely not!
I'd do the MATURE thing and TELL him, you know what? I'm not interested in rekindling anything." I didn't deserve what you did to me and I won't put myself through anything like that again, and YOU have no way of giving me a guarantee that you won't do that crap again."
I think actually TELLING him this (in your own words of course) YOU will get some closure. For you.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2021):
While I think self-improvement and self-exploration are ALWAYS a good thing, what happened IS NOT your fault. you, in fact, had no say in what happened. He just left.
He didn't TALK to you. He didn't express those "feelings" he had. But now... he can?
And what about NEXT time he gets "SCARED" or has feelings?
Are you supposed to just accept that kind of treatment? To be treated as a "toy" with no feeling he can just toss and pick up as HE feels like it?
Absolutely not!
I'd do the MATURE thing and TELL him, you know what? I'm not interested in rekindling anything." I didn't deserve what you did to me and I won't put myself through anything like that again, and YOU have no way of giving me a guarantee that you won't do that crap again."
I think actually TELLING him this (in your own words of course) YOU will get some closure. For you.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2021): Thank you all for your advice so far. I know I can always rely on the fine people here at DC to provide clarity, wisdom, kindness and sometimes tough love to people like me. At the end of the day, we all need the truth, no matter what it is.
WiseOwlE, I am so glad you responded in particular. I think your advice lives up to your name... wise. But it is also compassionate, empathetic and truthful. You tell it like it is, and that is because you care. I agree with everything you have told me here. A lot of us know what the right thing to do is. But doing it is so hard. Why? Because the heart is involved and so many other factors which keep us hanging onto the wrong people. I am hoping therapy can help me figure out my own issues. Maybe be stronger and more balanced in who I am, without needing someone to this extent? I guess my attachment style is different from some? I had two absentee parents growing up. My father was always out working and my mother was emotionally distant and had to take care of 6 kids at home. Maybe I latch on too much? Either way, he should be the one taking ownership over his actions of leaving me. That isn't my fault.
Anyway, I don't want to invest anymore in a man who is lying to me or leading me on because he is weak and can't be honest with me. Instead, he lies and tells me what I want to hear? And maybe fools around behind my back? Why would I want to MARRY a man like that? I just don't understand why men need to lie to you. Instead of be up front and tell the truth? If they don't want the same things, they why can't they move on? Why did he need to bother talking to me again? And tell me he loves me and wants to spend his future with me? He left me. He was free and clear. Why does he have to keep lying if he doesn't love me or want to be with me? He could have just left me alone. I was proud of myself for not contacting him for 2 MONTHS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2021): "When someone leaves you that way, it leaves you feeling like you are not good enough, worthless and unlovable. My confidence is not very high these days, certainly nowhere near where it used to be when I met him."
Should you forgive him? Yes, that is the virtuous and magnanimous thing to do.
Should you even go so far as to entertain the thought of taking him back?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Your post was very emotional and poignant. I can understand the pain; because I've been blindsided and dumped. The problem I have, is the scary paragraph above.
You should not place that much power over your feelings and emotions in anybody's hands! He's a man, not a deity!
Placing the entire weight of your self-worth, health, and wellbeing in the hands of a mortal human being would scare anybody! Oh, but please don't get it twisted! Let me clarify myself! This guy up and left you; and comes back with a very lame and generic excuse! That, my dear, is totally unreliable and unworthy of trust. That was very suspect behavior, and you are right to be leery of it happening again! The odds and calculations in logic of that happening again are off the charts! If a man over 40 bails-out on you like that; because he's scared...you can't trust him in a crisis or an emergency!
What if the same thing happens at the alter?
In my opinion, he doesn't really want to get married. I am expecting you to be ready to forgive him, and take him back; because you'll believe finding another man at your age won't be that easy. You don't have to say it, but it might cross your mind! The popular disclaimer "...but I love him!" Usually means, you're venting your feelings here; but you've already got your mind made up about taking him back. DC is here to comfort you, and it's a good place to vent. Whether you'll heed our advice, that's yet to be determined!
I've been here on DC a few years: and I've been around the block a few times!
If you were both in your early twenties; all this drama would make sense to me. You're over 40, and I would assume he's somewhere within that age-group; yet neither of you behave like mature and experienced people.
You love him, but you make it seem more like worship and idolization. It seems he's your everything; and the center of your universe. I speculate that you have very high expectations of him; and if he bailed like that, he's not capable of living-up to them.
I won't go long on this one. I suggest that you either have a very extended engagement; or better yet, go back to no-contact and dump this clown!!!
Go through your grief, regain some composure, retain your dignity, and move on. You weren't just rejected by Jesus, sweetheart! This guy is not ready for marriage; and you're placing everything you are into marrying him. I don't see things working-out very well for the two of you. I'm so very sorry!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2021): I went through the same things as you. He left me and i was broken from it. i know how you feel like you cant trust him thats because what we went through has broken our trust. i am back talking to my man but i am taking my time before trusting again. i havent met him yet and gone away for over a year now to take time out.men often get confused in life and scared theyre freedoms gone so they run. pressure does this. they return when they realise what they want has become clearer. i would say stay in touch but dont meet him yet make him wait and earn your trust back. slowly take this. thats what i am doing. what happens second time round for both of us will be the answer we need. this time around we will be prepared for whatever happens. Our Love will show us the way.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (7 April 2021):
 Can you trust this man?.
I would say absolutely not. He bolted on you not even giving you a second thought, not a thought for your feelings, all he was interested in was him, and what he wanted. This is not what someone does when you love someone.
He got scared and got cold feet and never know what he wanted?. OP i'm sorry but i think that his excuse is lame.
He has come back a changed man after only a couple of months. I don't believe his story, i think he is lying.
You may never know where he was during this duration of time, as its obvious he is never going to tell you the truth. My guess is that he left you for someone else, then it never worked out and has come back with his tail in between his legs with his lame excuse.
You see trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, if there is no trust then a relationship is doomed to fail.
He has betrayed you and left your life in turmoil once, are you going to take the risk and put your faith in him and see if he leaves you again further down the line?.
Personally i would not go back, you are really still in the grieving process of when he left the first time around.
We don't know if there was someone else involved, and may never know. He hurt you once, and is more than capable of hurting you again. Cut him loose.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 April 2021):
 Nobody can make you feel "not good enough, worthless and unlovable" without your permission. One person letting you down does not make you any of those things. Those feelings are completely YOUR responsibility, not his. Yes, he behaved badly, but you could have risen above it. You could have shrugged it off and moved on with your life. You chose to take it personally and implode emotionally because he walked out on you.
Sorry if that sounds heartless but you cannot make someone else responsible for your happiness, otherwise you will spend your life hurt and disappointed. A bird sitting on a branch does not fear the branch breaking because it has faith in its ability to fly. You need to find faith in your own ability to survive knock-backs so that others do not have the power to hurt you so badly.
It is entirely your choice whether to revisit your relationship, just as it is his choice to do the same. Realistically he cannot promise you that he will never hurt you because life does not come with guarantees. Within reason, he can promise he will TRY not to hurt you again, so you need to decide whether he is worth the risk.
I suspect, given how badly his leaving affected you, it is unlikely you will ever trust him completely again. I suspect you will live your life in fear of him repeating what he did and you will be constantly looking for clues that he might be about to let you down again. Unless you can become stronger yourself and know you can survive IF he lets you down again, then you really should think long and hard about whether to resume your relationship. If, on the other hand, you can use this experience to grow stronger and take responsibility for your own happiness, then the fear of him leaving you again will not have such control over you and your relationship may have a chance of working the second time around.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2021):
Should you trust him?
Absolutely not. It's only been a few months since he dumped you and "ran away". No one becomes a different person in a few months.
You say you love him, so WHAT exactly is it that you love about him? Does it outweigh what he did in December?
Your low self-esteem is something I think YOU should focus on, rather than on whether you should forgive him and try again.
Because HIM leaving YOU - had NOTHING to do with you. It had to do with him. So you internalizing HIS action as a reflection of you is just not healthy or smart. It makes you vulnerable to whatever else HE decides to do.
You two moved in together in October - was that him moving in with you? Or you moving in with him? Or the both of you moving into a new place?
Because I think context matters in this.
What would I do? Well, I can only guess what I actually would do in your shoes. But... I think I would NOT want to rekindle this relationship.
To me, it seems like after 5 years a person (him) would KNOW if he wanted to marry you and BE with you - or if he didn't. My guess is he proposed because he felt pressured (can be from family or friends, not just you). He knew he didn't WANT to marry you and live with you. That is why he bailed after 2 months. And now he claims that in the 3 months away from you he is now done a 180, and he wants to fully commit. I don't buy that for a minute.
Where did he go those 3 months? Where did he live?
It might just be me that is jaded but I'm guessing there was another woman involved he hasn't mentioned. that he thought the grass would be greener with her and when he found that it wasn't he all of a sudden wants YOU back.
Someone who can drop you like a hot potato has issues they need to work on. BEFORE they should even consider asking for forgiveness and a fresh start.
I think I would lose all respect for myself if I took him back. And... all respect for him for running off like some loon.
And there is no way in Hades I would buy his sob story and his miraculous coming to his sense after 3 months of therapy.
Sorry, I think if you rekindle this you are in for more hurt and it will be 100% on YOU this time.
"He that deceives me once, its his fault; but if twice, its my fault.'”
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