A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a married man. We are right for each other. He left his wife and children and moved in with me, but told his wife it was a trial separationn and she has no clue what he has been doing. Now a few months in, he has become depressed at not seeing his young children all the time. He says he must return. Should he be honest with his wife and tell her, then ask to return? Or return to them without disclosing that he loves someone else?
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depressed, fell in love, married man, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): You shouldn't be with him...he is married.....
This guy is most probably about to play you the limbo card...you know the one where he goes back home and keeps seeing you on the side.
You should get out of the 'relationship' ASAP and start to heal and move on.
Except you want your life to always hang in the balance while he swings between his family and you, I suggest you find your way out right now.
You have learnt the hard way.Make a mental note to love yourself and never get involved with someone who is already in an established relationship. Find someone who is free and who you can establish a REAL relationship with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): I hate to point out the obvious OP: you knew he was married YET you took another womans husband.He did it with you. NOW he is doing it to you. Stop behaving like a victim, you are anything but! Next time hun, ask for a divorce decree or death certificate. This will ensure that you will have no issues with a wife suddenly cropping up.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Rather than go back to his wife why couldn't he just plan more outings with his kids. If it's truly just the kids he's missing, he needs to make arrangements to be active in their lives. Just because the marriage is not working out, does not mean he has to "disappear" from their lives. But you have to also wonder if he's having second thoughts about your relationship as well. He needs to sort these things out on his own. You can only offer suggestions. Was the marriage in trouble before he met you? Does he still love his wife? He might offer to set up a weekly date with his kids and of course you would have to be excluded since no one knows he's seeing you. Once he has a chance to see the kids again he may have some even tougher choices to make. Is his marriage worth saving? Or is it time for him to file for divorce and have joint custody of his kids so he can be opening involved with them, and you no longer have to live under a cloud of seclusion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 That would be his choice to make. I'm pretty SURE the wife has a clue of what he has been doing, if not.. I truly feel EXTRA sorry for her to be in this position.
As for you, I hope you walk away from this learning something. Maybe even growing a set of morals. It is so very rare that cheating is a good way to start a new relationship. And it's rare that a woman "dating" a married man won't end up being of the the two people who get MAJORLY hurt from the cheating.. The WIFE being the one who hurt the most.
And honestly, I think it's more then just missing his children. He misses his LIFE. That would include his wife, his kids, his home and all the memories they have made together. If it was "just" missing the kids that is making him want to go back, then he could get visitation set up/ shared custody.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNB at the beginning, he claimed to have given the marriage a lot of thought: said that it was not in the childrens interest to be raised by two parents who had lost respect for each other. He was certain of that. He claimed he would have moved out on his own. He was out the house more often than not, it seemed.
Now it appears the man has done a Uturn on these important matters. And I'm confused: 7 days ago after a day with the family he returned saying that he'd missed me and brought flowers. And now his bags are packed.
Bitter? Yes, perhaps. I am not in the habit of forgiving men who play roulette with so many lives on what has transpired to be a whim. I have lost respect for him. Why should all the women in his life be messed around with no consequences for him. I had passed him some business leads too. So he's had free board, sexontap, adoration and some £££. I treated him like an equal partner.
I know I've been stupid. Probs cross at that too, since I'm not know to invest in men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen this began, he said he'd been unhappy for a long time, considered moving out many times and was certain that miserable patents should not raise children together- it was not in the best interests of the children...
Somehow it seems he's done a uturn on a lot of these points.
Yes, I am bitter, I suppose. I do not hold a high opinion of men and believed he was honest and steadfast. I've dismissed a lot of his critics. And I was prepared to change my habits to accommodate his needs as a father. But now his lies grate on me. That a man should play roulette with so many lives on what has transpired to be a whim is reprehensible to me.
Ok for his wife and I to be misguided and abandoned, and for him to just resume, unaffected.
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 As a woman I wouldn't be happy for man to leave his family because of me. Please let him go back to his family. Don't be happy to be a home wrecker. In your case you have put yourself in a wrong position how do you sleep at night knowing very well you are living with a married man that you want him to be your own. That is being selfish and heartless. Find yourself a single guy that you will make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Is this not simply a relationship that has ended and you feel bitter towards him. The choice of disclosure is his alone. You said he is depressed this is not something to be taken lightly and he should discuss this with someone.
I'm sure he does love you and cares for you, although you will never be able to keep him from the love and need of his children.
"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Hi
If it was just his kids he missed he would not go back he would seek access get a lawyer etc.If he did that and you live together,his secret would be out and the s**t would hit the fan.
He isnt committed enough to you to do that.Thats not him being in love is it, more lust or infatuation. He misses the family life, the history they share, everything.
Its not your problem or your choice as it goes,your just an 'extra' in this show. You went into this with eyes open now your paying the price Learn a lesson here.
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A
female
reader, Melaniee +, writes (1 July 2012):
 reading this makes me really angry, my Dad left my Mom for another woman when I was 2 years old, please go find yourself someone else don't let his kids grow up without their father
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): I think he loves you a lot, which is why he left everyone to be with you. If he goes back, he'll miss you dearly. He isn't crazy about his wife, if he was, he wouldn't have left her. It's the custody of the kids that is the problem. If he goes back he gets them 100%, if he stays with you, the best he can hope for is 50%. Being with his wife is a cost that he needs to put up with in order to be with his kids. If he could get 100% custody of his kids, he wouldn't go back.
Young kids are really really hard to give up. If you leave them they just don't understand why. I work in another city and don't see my family every 4/7 days, and my 3 year old son always asks me not to leave.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 He would not return home if he loved "someone else ". He may be infatuated , he may be in lust ... but if really loved you, last thing he'd do would be going back to share a home, and a bed, with his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): It's not your choice to make OP so I don't know why you're here asking us this as it's kind of irrelevant. It sounds to me like he's leaving you and going back to his wife or relegating you to his bit on the side.
Doesn't sound very much like love to me OP if he's going back to his wife after having a trial period with you and deciding he didn't want to buy.
I don't believe for one second he's going back solely because he misses his kids. You get back into living with and sleeping with your ex for the sake of the kids. Sounds like he's tried life with you and his old life was better.
I say all this not be an ass OP, but as something you should consider and would be a fool to dismiss, think you can trust a lying cheater? Then good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Are you sure that he loves you? He asked his wife for a trial seperation and forgot to mention you. My guess is he done this so that the door would be left open with his wife and family if he felt that things never worked out with you. Am guessing now he has tried a relationship with you that he sees he was happier back at home and he is just using his children as an excuse. If he really loved you he would not be going back to his wife, he can still be a great father to his children even if he didn't live there. He just wants best of both worlds. Its about time he was honest to his wife and made up his mind. Good luck.
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