A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Doubts, concerns... Met this guy 6 months ago in my acting class. Right off the bat he let everyone know he was going through a rocky patch in his relationship with his g/f of 4 months. He was quick in describing her as a total psycho and expressing his desire to leave her. Being a woman, I did not like him talking like that about the girl that lived with him and let him know. Instead of taking offense to it, he instead decided to seek advice from me...and this is how we became friends. Strictly friends. A few weeks later, I felt sick and left the theater in rush without realizing that I had forgotten my glasses behind. He took them and put them in his car with the intention of bringing them back to me the following week. In doing so, however, he ended up having the biggest fight with his girlfriend ever. She did not believe that him and I were just friends and physically attacked him. She even run over his foot with her car! Threatened to kill his dog putting a kitchen knife on the dog's belly and cutting herself to end up blaming him of physical violence. While all this was going on she hid his credit cards, id, phone, and took his money away from him. I do not quite know how he managed to get around that mess but he did and he finally called our teacher to let him know about the situation. Our teacher got him out of the house and offered him a place away from his girlfriend in the meantime. The next day of class I found out what had happened, apologized for judging him and invited him out for coffee to talk. His girlfriend, who apparently had been spying on him, walked up to me, insulted me and attacked me for something I had not done! I tried to calm her down and explain to her that she was wrong. It did not matter, there was no way I (or anyone else) could convince her otherwise. After she left, she sent him some pictures of herself totally bruised saying that she was going to file against him for domestic violence while stating that she wanted to ruin his life. The problem is, she was not bruised when she came into the coffee shop and she was claiming that he had done that to her the previous day! I suggested that he would file a report with the police. He did and he never went back to her since. We developed a bond based on this and, away from that turmoil, three weeks later, he kissed me. We made love and became inseparable since. The problem is that during all this time she kept spying on him, tracing his phone calls, emails, you name it. Somehow she even managed to get a hold of my two phone numbers and started stalking me as well. Starting a relationship with this man was not premeditated. It simply happened. She still believes that he cheated on her with me which is not the case, and blast my voice mail with accusations and insults and poison to make me question his integrity. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, after she called me again, he admitted having used her and having stayed at her house despite not liking her anymore out of convenience -literally. I did not like that at all. In a way,even though I cannot find a justification for her aggressions, in my head I am almost understanding of her despair. It is as if something is telling me that no one can be "that gone" without a reason and maybe I should not just dismiss her cries because she does not know how to hold it together. I have been trying to observe him from a more objective angle in the last few days. I have learned that he does have a tendency to lie and manipulate situations, and that he relies on his charm to get away with things. I have made him aware of my concerns and he has admitted to it and promised change. He claimed that he got used to being "secretive" while living with her because he feared her reactions....Thing is I am not her. I have been there for him through this mess and supported him as a true friend. I do not believe anyone deserves lies - No, not even her. Under other circumstances, I would have walked out of this already. I am not sure what is holding me back and wanting to give us a chance. Have I lost it too?Thanks and sorry for the long message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response!
I agree with what you are saying.
Looking back I realize that in the last few weeks I have not been able to focus on anything else but him. Meaning, it does not matter if it shines or rains, there is always something else related to him that "WE must handle."
It is almost like he does not realize that there are other people around him. That his actions and choices bring about reactions and consequences, like my loss of interest in him for example.
Last night he got really upset with me because I told him that I was not in love with him yet, that I needed time and that he needed to realize that it was not okay to suck me into a fully committed relationship right off the bat --especially after all that had transpired.
His answer? "You are insane."
After this, I asked him to leave my place.
This morning he came back to me crying telling me that he had spent the night at his ex. (yes, the one that has been stalking me and the one who threatened him and physically attacked him.)
Again at this point there is nothing that he can say to me that will change my mind about being with him. He is definitely not right for me no matter how good he treated me when things were going his way with me.
Here's my dilemma:
He blamed all his choices and actions on the difficulties that he has experienced growing up. At 12 his mother died, at 18 his real dad died, at 23 his step dad died. He does not have a home nor any family members that would take him in no matter how bad his situation might be. He blew his $250,000 inheritance in less than 2 years, his DL has been revoked because of an unpaid fine, his car is going to be impounded for unpaid bills....an absolute mess. Really.
One side of me tells me to not leave him stranded, that he lacked guidance and had already a tough enough time in life to not grant him a chance.
Another side of me tells me that I should beware of granting him a chance as a friend because he never takes no for an answer and might end up sucking me right back in...I also feel like his happiness should not come at my own expense --no matter which cards were handed to him in the past.
As I write this, I feel as if I have been wasting some precious time by getting involved with him...am I being selfish? He kept repeating that he wanted to build a life with me. That he would never lie or do the things he did to his ex to me....
Why am I so confused when it is so very clear that this man is NOT apt for a relationship?
Thanks for "listening".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response!I agree with what you are saying. Looking back I realize that in the last few weeks I have not been able to focus on anything else but him. Meaning, it does not matter if it shines or rains, there is always something else related to him that "WE must handle."It is almost like he does not realize that there are other people around him. That his actions and choices bring about reactions and consequences, like my loss of interest in him for example. Last night he got really upset with me because I told him that I was not in love with him yet, that I needed time and that he needed to realize that it was not okay to suck me into a fully committed relationship right off the bat --especially after all that had transpired. His answer? "You are insane."After this, I asked him to leave my place. This morning he came back to me crying telling me that he had spent the night at his ex. (yes, the one that has been stalking me and the one who threatened him and physically attacked him.)Again at this point there is nothing that he can say to me that will change my mind about being with him. He is definitely not right for me no matter how good he treated me when things were going his way with me. Here's my dilemma:He blamed all his choices and actions on the difficulties that he has experienced growing up. At 12 his mother died, at 18 his real dad died, at 23 his step dad died. He does not have a home nor any family members that would take him in no matter how bad his situation might be. He blew his $250,000 inheritance in less than 2 years, his DL has been revoked because of an unpaid fine, his car is going to be impounded for unpaid bills....an absolute mess. Really. Here's my dilemma now:One side of me tells me to not leave him stranded, that he lacked guidance and had already a tough enough time in life to not grant him a chance. Another side of me tells me that I should beware of granting him a chance as a friend because he never takes no for an answer and might end up sucking me right back in...I also feel like his happiness should not come at my own expense --no matter which cards were handed to him in the past. As I write this, I feel as if I have been wasting some precious time by getting involved with him...am I being selfish? He kept repeating that he wanted to build a life with me. That he would never lie or do the things he did to his ex to me....Why am I so confused when it is so very clear that this man is NOT apt for a relationship? Thanks for "listening".
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 When all is said and done, can you really look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself:
'This guy is wonderful, is full of integrity and seems like he could make me blissfully happy. Is he the kind of guy who has shown me he can be trusted kind and caring and someone I could really work on a happy relationship with?'
Whats your gut instict? Do you deserve any less than what I have described above?
He may change, he may not.
I would proceed (if you intend to) with absolute caution and also file a restraining order against his ex because that could turn extremely nasty.
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