A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About two months ago, I made out with a friend of mine, whom I have known for more than 20 years, while we were abroad on holiday together. Before this happened, I had never thought of him as more than a friend. When we talked about it, he told me that he had always been attracted to me but I never paid any attention to him (I had no idea about this), that it was an amazing night and that he didn't know how it would turn out.On returning home, I felt very excited and looked forward to seeing him. I felt that this could be the start of something good, as we have a great time together and being intimate really felt amazing. However, he didn't seem to share my enthusiasm and about a week later he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, as he had recently got out of one.Some background on him: he is 29 years old and has never had a serious long-term relationship. The "relationship" he just got out of was with a girl who seemed to be playing around with him, in my opinion mostly based on sex, which lasted 3-4 months until he realised he had to let her go even though he had really fallen for her.Anyway, I was very upset, mainly because he should have known that trying something casual with me would be certain to hurt my feelings, but also because I had begun to fall for him. We had a huge fight, with me yelling and him crying and begging me not to cut him off as a friend, but after calming down a few days later I told him I didn't want to lose him and that we should put the whole thing behind us (which I'm not exactly doing).Since then, we have been going out all the time, either alone or with other friends, only when we are alone he does things like hold my hand, or stroke my arms and my hair affectionately! Last week, I was on holiday with a group of friends, including him. We all shared a room and his bed was right next to mine. On the first night, right before dozing off, he held my hand telling me that this is how he used to sleep with his sister when they were kids! Generally, he kept making such comments suggesting we are just friends. Then, the next day, he hugged me and kissed my neck and then started massaging my back (not in a friendly way), but stopped suddenly when he realised someone else had entered the room! Also, he spent a lot of time on the phone, talking and texting, and I think there was some contact with his ex, though he doesn't talk to me about such stuff anymore.Sorry for all the details but I am very confused as to what he is doing and, although I feel this is a very unhealthy situation I am in, I have fallen in love with him and I am not ready to give up just yet.He knows I don't want a friend with benefits and if he doesn't want a relationship why all the mixed signals? I want this to turn into a relationship, what should I do?
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friend with benefits, his ex, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Thank you all for your answers.
Oldersister, I was actually hoping for an answer from you, you always tell things as they are, no sugar coating.
So, can you explain to me how is it that someone who has known me since we were children, who has spent most of his childhood summers with me and our common friends, who belongs to a circle of friends that are like family to me, who has always expressed his deepest appreciation of me to everyone, who claims to love me very much and think the world of me, just want me for sex?
I simply can't accept this, it offends me, it hurts me, it destroys everything I believe in and count on! I don't want to accept this because such a reality is much harder to deal with than any romantic heartbreak. Does that make sense?
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Hard as its going to be, i think you need to stop him physically touching you in any way, tell him once and for all that you dont want a casual relationship, dont tell him anything about love, and make sure you just stay friends, and hope that you can still remain in the circle of friends you are both in. Its going to be hard, but if you stick with it, you will be able to do it.
If he's on his phone txting all the time, the chances are he is in touch with other girls. Sounds like he likes a lot of attention. Accept that and accept it will never be more than frineds with you 2 and get out there and eventually you will meet someone special and he will still be messing around on his phone.
Sounds like a commitment phobe.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): His actions are probably a hell of a lot less planned out than these other answers are assuming.
Men are capable of being unsure of things too.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 If you are sure that he doesn't want a relationship, then there's no way you can have one. Even if you could (and, I insist, you can't), what you would end up with would be his having you where he wanted you.
He may be giving you all the mixed signals because he wants you to fall for him while still keeping control.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): In my personal option, I think you need to take a step back from this guy, and examin what you have before yourself. From what you said, he dosn't seem to be too interested, until it is conveniet for himself. In the future, don't up yourself in a situaion where you can be alone with him. I know that your heart is telling you to cling to this guy, but please know he is'nt right for you at this point in his life.
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