A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello ladies and gents both of your answers are very appreciated. Heres my story. I met a man back in 2001 I was 19 he was 21. Our relationship then was strictly sexual. I liked him alot and if I could choose who I wanted to be with/marry/have children with it would be him. He's a very good man and overall a good kind person. Never led me on to believe it was something it wasn't and yet at the same time remained a gentlemen and treated me like a queen. Basically he was having fun and wasn't ready for a relationship at the time which was fine.Well he went on to move to ohio in 2004(he is in the military)I went to visit him for about a week and we stayed in contact for a while but then I got into a relationship and he did his own thing as well. Well here it is 2008 and I receive a phone call from him in september telling me happy birthday and he heard I was married and was it true. I'm like, how can you hear something like that when your not even in my state!Come to find out he flew in the day before and is here for school then will be going to bahrain in january for 6 months then he will be stationed back after he returns for a year and a half. We go out for drinks, he tells me how he's changed so much, he's done with the dating scene and is ready to settle down. And that is just music to my ears because I've ALWAYS wanted to be with him but he just wasn't ready. He tells me how he wants to be with me because he sees my loyalty to him all these years with coming to see him etc. things thats no one else has done. And he's looking forward to another reunion when he gets back from bahrain so we can be more exclusive.Heres the thing. Im confused. He kind of tells me things by not really "telling" me if that makes since. He says he wants to be with me... ok cool. But then he talks about how he's afraid of commitment because he's been hurt before and is afraid of giving his all into something that may not work. Soooo what does that mean? where do I stand? We keep having this conversation and I all I hear is that he does want to be with me. But when he gets back from bahrain he's getting an apartment and we went furniture shopping for him and he was looking at leather couches and I was like eeew those are so bachelor looking and he was like well I am a bachelor, I'm single. My thing is, one minute he's saying he wants to be with me but at the sametime, why say your single and a bachelor if your suppose to be making something work with me?I know he's not trying to be a player and be out there like that. He's very honest and will let you know the truth if you ask good or bad. He really is a great guy and he's told me his stories of him being hurt which I just can't understand how anyone can do that to this great man. But How do I handle this? Should I just wait and see how things go when he gets back? Should I have another conversation with him? what should I say?I mean I keep bringing it up and he does just keep saying he wants to be with me but, by him saying he's single and a bachelor im kind of confused on how I should handle this. Am I over reacting? Should I just give him time? please help! thank you
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 Glad my advice helped in some way, I am banking on hearing from you again, you know you can always contact me direct at any time OK.
Keep up the good girl it is obviously working, stay happy eh!!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG, that was a great answer country woman thank you soooo much! you are absolutely right. He said the same thing, he said its like we are starting over again and he likes how things are now and we are heading in the right direction but he wants to take things slowly but doesn't want to be pressured. You are so right on. Thank you I will keep you posted!!!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 November 2008):
I get where you are coming from now, sorry for the misunderstanding.
Well unfortunately he wants guarantees and there are none when you enter into relationships.
You have to go with the flow and see where it takes you. If he as decent as you say he is then don't burn your bridges, i.e. keep your independence whilst you see him. If you have a flat or house, then continue to live there and don't pressure him in any way, if you have somewhere to go home to each night then you are not looking like you are asking to move in. OK it is more expensive to keep two places going but right now everything is fresh again and maybe suggest dating for a while to see how you get on. You said he is going to get a place when he gets back from Bahrain so let him. Help him chose out items but let him put his own stamp on the place.
You have been out of his life for 3 years so you have made your own life in that time and obviously have a career and somewhere to live which is something that suits you right now. Don't give up your freedom as there could be arguments at some point and you need distance from one another if that happens.
Just take each day as it comes and he is obviously very insecure if he has been hurt before but just let him know that YOU are not someone who could ever intentionally hurt anyone unlike these other women. Show him what kind of woman you are and I am sure he will see what he has been missing all these years.
Just enjoy each other's company right now and just take things slowly, if it is meant to be then it will happen but just don't go planning the wedding just yet eh!! lol
Keep me posted OK and good luck with your man, you can always mail me direct at any time.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, sorry country woman let me clarify, He is not an ex boyfriend we just use to date. We have mutual friends that stay where I am, I was in a relationship and they knew about it and told him when he returned and he exagerated by saying he heard i was married just to be playful. There was no contact for over 3 years because he got stationed in ohio and I live in california and I never thought he would come back and now he's back and I am no longer with the boyfriend I had.Sorry for the confusion. He's not a player, he's a really good guy. Just back in the day nor him or I was ready for anything serious, now I am and he is but he has his doubts because he doesn't want to put his all into something and it not workout. SO what I'm asking is how do I cope with this? I don't want to pressure him.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 November 2008):
I think that basically I am very confused over all of this.
Your ex mentioned that he contacted you after no contact for 3 years to let you know he heard you were married.
Are you married or not?
The whole thing of what he is doing with his life seems like he doesn't want to jump into a relationship but keep his options open. He probably misses the sexual side of your relationship and thinks that by having this batchelor pad it is somewhere where you can both get together for fun times but again he is still single although he says he is not a player, not totally convinced of that point though.
I think if you are married then you should think about your own relationship right now as that is the most important thing.
However, if you are not married then how did he hear you were?
This is the confusing bit for me.
Some clarification would be good here.
At the end of the day don't be used by any man and I personally feel like this guy could pick you up and drop you whenever he wants to. Yes you saw a future for you 3 years ago but he is still not truly mature in my personal opinion and if he remains in the military it is a life of uncertainty and not knowing when you are going to see him next or where he is going to be stationed so it is a solitary life for you when he is away, not sure that is a basis for a sound secure relationship.
Would love to know more though on the whole marriage thing.
BFN
Country Woman
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